#Video Games
Bulletstorm Demo Impressions: BONERSTORM.
When I take up a cause, I do it full on. Over-the-top and out of control. If you’ve been poking around these parts lately, you know that I have undergone total dickcrush mode for Bulletstorm. Childish, juvenile, and embracing every fucking moment of it. The demo dropped today, and I was fucking stoked. As I downloaded that shit, I threw up a psalm or two dozen to whatever Vaporous Deity wanted to pay attention to me.
Dear Netherworld Otherbeings, please let this game fucking rock.
Sometimes, motherfuckers hear your prayer.
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Bulletstorm Trailer Promises To Make Your Butthole Pucker. No, Really.
If anyone were to describe Bulletstorm as juvenile retarded crap, I would respond by saying, “Seriously, I know. It’s going to be tremendous.” I respect the fuck out of Epic Games and People Can Fly by embracing the retarded juvenile Rob Liefeld wet dream that this game is, and marketing the fuck out of it that way. I don’t know how many trailers I’ve seen where the main character says something like “combos that will make your butthole pucker.”
If I had to guess, I’d say: not enough.
Hit the jump for the trailer.
Macho Man Cuts A Promo For WWE Game; It’s MENTAL INSANITY!
Macho Man Randy Savage is one of the baddest motherfuckers alive. Fact, not opinion. Nothing can stop him. Not time, nor drugs, nor the death of Miss Elizabeth. After parting ways in 1994, the WWE and Macho Man have reunited, and it has resulted in awesome. The Macho Man has cut a fucking ridiculous promo for THQ’s upcoming WWE All-Stars. In something that is no less than a nostalgia-bomb-orgasm for me, Macho Man rambles on for a good minute and a half. Dude drops lines like “COMPLETE MENTAL INSANNNNNNNNNNITY” and “FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY.” Jesus Christ, I wish I was on set for this.
Oh childhood, I miss you.
Hit the jump for the video.
New Asura’s Wrath Trailer Will Stab You With Awesome.
When Capcom debuted Asura’s Wrath last year, my priapism kicked in my pants. Like a goddamn bazooka. A bazooka of two inches and flimsy constitution, but who cares, let me dream. There’s some new screens and a trailer afoot on the internet, and here they are for your viewing pleasure.
Hells yeah hit the jump!
Dude’s Mom Loves Blood And Death In Dead Space 2! Seriously.
Electronic Arts is going with a pretty amusing “Your Mom Hates This!” ad campaign for Dead Space 2. They show the game to the average Mom. Then they catch the Moms on camera as they shit their pants, and run back to their lives of fupas and super-processed hair. I dig it.
What do I dig more? Dino Ignacio’s Mom. Ignacio is the user interface designer for Dead Space 2, and he decided to show his Mom clips of the game. Is she appalled? Hardly. She chuckles as she watches poor Isaac Clarke get dismembered and die a zillion horrible deaths. Outstanding.
Reminds me of my Mom, after spending twenty years in a house with my brother and myself.
Kinect Hack Helps Perform Surgery. Awesome.
Welcome to the fucking future. When the Kinect came out, I blathered on and on about how its most amazing features would be found outside of traditional use. Once the drivers for the Kinect were out in the open, talented people began finding genius ways to implement the device. Beyond, you know, air kicking a virtual soccer ball. However, call me short-sighted cause I didn’t forsee this: the Kinect could be used to aid in the performing of surgery.
Fucking awesome.
Surgical robots are super-precise, but Mike Fahey at Kotaku points out that the “problem with surgical robots is that while they allow for extreme precision, there is no tactile sensation for the doctor operating the tiny robotic arms. If a scalpel brushes against an exposed vein, for instance, the robot operator does not feel the subtle bump.”
That’s not the best thing in the world. Knick an artery, have no clue, and Steve McHaplessvictim slowly bleeds out.
What’s the answer to this? Force feedback. This is where the Kinect comes in:
Black Ops Kills America Every 24 Hours.
Righteous Dutch info-wizards Spijkermat came up with this infographic for Call of Duty: Black Ops. Some of the stats that occur in this virtual game daily are absolutely ludicrous. Thar be a lot of killing going on. Every 24 hours, more than 300,000,000 lives are taken. That’s more than the population of the United States.
Hit the jump for the entire graphic.
Final Fantasy XIII-2 Announced; Here’s The Trailer.
Final Fantasy XIII is getting a sequel. Art thou prepared? I spent too many hours last year in a blind rage over Final Fantasy XIII to get into it again. But! There’s always a but, isn’t there? Let’s just say this: whether it was that the game sucked, or I was simply tired of the same tropes that used to thrill me, or a combination of the both, I hated the game. I seethed while playing it, and blistered my fingers ranting about it to friends.
I don’t pretend my opinion is ever the word of God (or someone smart), and in this case I know a lot of people who enjoyed it, and for them, this is probably pretty exciting. Or they’re pretending they’re on some sort of artistic high ground and reject the notion of a sequel.
Whatever the case, Final Fantasy XIII-2 is coming.
Hit the jump for the trailer.
Jet Grind Radio Customized Dreamcast Is Nostalgiaporn.
French artist Ozcan rocked out a Dreamcast with a gorgeous Jet Grind Radio customization. God, I miss the days of Dreamcast, and JGR. I spent far too many hours lighting bullshit up with spray cans and bobbin’ my head to Jurassic 5 et others.
Hit the jump for the dude’s gorgeous customization.
There’s A Pac-Man Reality TV Show Coming. Apocalypse Now.
There’s a Pac-Man reality TV show in the works. This future-abortion is being helmed by Merv Griffin Entertainment, the fuckers behind Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! I know it doesn’t make any sense, but welcome to the Wasteland, where nothing makes sense. Therefore, everything makes sense. We’re turning the board game Battleship into a fucking movie. Why can’t we turn Pac-Man into a reality show? Of course you don’t have a good reason! Here, have some details down your willing gullet, from Roy Bank, the Guy Of Some Importance Or Something from Merv:
A big, crazy Wipeout-type event with a lot of energy. The idea we have is to take what Pac-Man is and bring it to life, to bring what is essentially the world’s biggest game of tag to television.
I can’t imagine why this wouldn’t be a success and why we won’t all be stapled to our chairs while its on. Nonetheless, it isn’t the Pac-Man television show I envisioned. In my reality TV show, someone hides a bottle of Ambien in a giant grass labyrinth. While I’m searching for it, people chase me with blunt objects. If I find the bottle of Ambien, I then pound them pills and chase them, because next to the bottle of Ambien is also a corked bat and an unloaded gun.
I think this would make for much more riveting television, but what the fuck do I know.
