#Video Games
‘BATMAN: ARKHAM ORIGINS’ revealed, RISING on Oct. 25.
Disgustingly strained reference to Bruce Wayne Climbs? Check! The next Bat-Man title has been revealed, and it is dropping this October. The son of a bitch is a sequel – if the title didn’t tip you off, ya dummy – and will be splayed across a litany of consoles. Most interestingly: not any next-generation ones. At least for now.
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‘FAR CRY 3: BLOOD DRAGON’ stars KYLE REESE from ‘TERMINATOR’, will blow your mind on May 1.
The hits just keep coming with Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. Not only is there less than a month until this game’s cyber-arm will blast our gaming G and P-spots, but the fucking game is starring none other than Kyle Reese. Can you feel my nipples hardening from there? I’m carving your name in ice with them. I love you. Let us love this game together.
NEXT XBOX being revealed May 21. PLUS more XBOX news than your knobs can handle!
Come one, come all into your one-stop for today’s collection of Nextbox rumors. Most significant is the seeming confirmation that we won’t be getting a reveal of Microsoft’s new money-maker until May. Son of a bitch. Previous rumors had pointed towards this month, but for whatever reason it shant come to pass. My guess on the delay? I propose that Steve Ballmer is still scraping the remains of that errant Microsoft creative director who trolled fans off the walls of Microsoft’s floating fortress. You ever see that guy go full Scanners on an employee? It’s terrifying.
Press Start: Death of The Three-Headed Monkey
You know what sucks? Devices that aren’t perpetually connected to the Internet. And do you know who sucks? That’s right, the kind of pricks that don’t have flawless connections and maybe even live in rural areas. I mean, seriously, where the fuck do those guys get off? This, ladies and gentlemen, is the future of video game customer relations, courtesy of Microsoft. Prepare your anus, and start saving for that PS4, because Microsoft are so unbelievably cool that they don’t even want your business. Yeah, #dealwithit.
Microsoft creative director SHAT ON people upset about ‘ALWAYS-ON’ Xbox rumors.
You have to give it to Microsoft’s creative director. Not only does the dick sore pretty much confirm the rumor that the new Xbox is going to require always-on Internet to boot the game, but the dude shits on everyone who is concerned about this feature.
Disney closes LUCASARTS, cancels ‘STAR WARS 1313.’ You DARK SIDE sumbitches!
Son of a bitch! Walt Disney’s cryogenic head has reared up, crushing LucasArts. They exist no more, the financial Death Star eradicating the studio that has enriched countless lives. Such is the furious fist of capitalism, I suppose. The destruction has taken with it Star Wars 1313, a game which had the rare title of “Star Wars game I actually give a fuck about.”
Watch: MARVEL PHASE TWO PROMO VIDEO will blow your bung out with awesome.
You like Marvel movies? You excited for Phase Two? Then prepare for the prolapse party that is about to occur in your pants. Bounce up and down on your formally-internal squishy parts, having found them blow out of your body by sheer awesomeness.
Next XBOX and its controller are covered in zebra stripes. Privacy ++
Game developers are rubbing their grubby paws all over the new Xbox and its controller. That’s pretty swell. What is even more swell is an idea that Microsoft has seemingly cooked up to prevent leaks. They have slathered all this new fetish plastic in zebra stripes, using it as a means to identify the specific controller that is leaked. Or some shit.
I’m Ken friggin’ Levine!
Fucking KEN LEVINE all tits-out, not caring. Yeah, I’ll drink a latte and not give a shit that my nips are showing. I’ll comment on the industry while my chest hair rattles the mind and soul of the men and women behind the counter. I’m Ken Levine.
