I’m not playing around with silly accents, half-assed attempts at comedy and protracted self-deprecation this week. Hell no: I’m injecting this fact-stream straight into your cerebral cortex, just like you were Motoko Kusanagi. We’re all in the machine now and you need a games news hyperderm. I’m gonna give it to ya.

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Have I already written an intro where I apologise for it being a ‘quiet news week’ and then try to make light of the situation and appear witty and insightful by pretending that I know lots about the video game industry? I have? Damn. Well, somehow the games industry has managed to stay quiet throughout NYCC. Go figure. The nether realm is upon us and reality has collapsed into itself. I don’t believe in anything any more.

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Sometimes it’s quite difficult to come up with amusing and witty quips for these intros. Well, it is if you’re me, anyway. So, in the absence of comedy and wit, here are some suggestions for amusing accents that you can use whilst you read this week’s Press Start in your head:

-Stoic Japanese Samurai
-Hollering Redneck
-Swedish Chef
– Disgruntled Pierce Brosnan
– Aroused Patrick Stewart

Now, on with the video games.

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Confession time: I missed last week’s article for three incredibly valid reasons.

1. Borderlands 2
2. A stealth hangover (seriously did not see the bastard coming)
3. Hernia

OK, I possibly invented the third one, but still one and two are still pretty solid. Now, do you see the validity? Absorb it. Forgive me and then let’s move on. I’m about to hit you with such an incredibly powerful fistful of gaming news and titillation that you’ll wish I’d finally eaten myself into that early grave.

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Nintendo are keen on poking the bear this week. For the purposes of this metaphor I shall be playing the bear and the poking stick is represented by the recent glut of Wii U announcements. They’re poking me into a fevered state where I suddenly find myself compelled to pre-order a brand new console and then feel dirty about it afterwards. I have some genuine soul-searching to do.

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Hey guy, like the video games? The bleep-de-bloops? The whizz-pop and the shazmatt? Does it even matter? I mean, really, in this day and age; what with microchips and the constant ebb of information, who cares what you’re actually reading about? Words, man. They’re just words and so, here’s roughly 915 of the buggers.

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Welcome to Press Start! You know the drill: I regurgitate stories that I hope you haven’t already read whilst I simultaneously resist the urge to talk about my junk and flog myself for being such a hack. Join me. Oh, it’s about video games, I mentioned that, right?

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You know how some people are still waiting for hoverboards? Well, in the same way I’m still waiting for Motoko Kusanagi-style cyborg shells. Not that I want to be a 400 pound metallic hottie, more that I just want a set of unstoppable bionic eyes that don’t crap out on me between my relentless cycle of monitors. Playing video games is tough. It burns. Join me…..

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This week my prayers were finally answered. After weeks of ceremoniously burning copies of Too Human as sacrifice to my polygonal God, the games industry has finally started moving again. This week’s Games Con saw a whole host of sexy new trailers and announcements, including the likes of Star Wars: 1313, Metal Gear Rising and the impressive Remember Me.

Now that you’ve watched those, here’s my selection of the not quite so prominent goings-on in the games industry, or at least the happenings that won’t just result in two paragraphs of me gushing like a schoolboy.

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Believing in the realness of your own excellence is not just an enlightenment-based video series that I am currently marketing. No; it’s more, much more than that. Believing in one’s own excellence, and indeed the realness of said excellence, is a commodity in startlingly short supply.

Take the video games industry, for example. Day upon day, games get cancelled and teams announce ‘safe’ projects just to be sure of that crucial paycheck. ‘Why?’ I hear you ask. Unfortunately, my friends, it is because those working in the video games industry display the most startling lack of belief in the realness of their own excellence. Click this link for more info. Bulk discounts available. Let us delve into the shocking evidence that shows why now, more than any other time, that the games industry needs to start believing in the realness of its own excellence ™.

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