In a perfect world, or at least my perfect world, the new Spider-Man suit has no crotch. You get a good, long look at Parker’s own web shooter. Get it? Eh? Crap puns. Anyways, this is the darkest of timelines. No such thing is in the suit. However, it does look pretty spiffy.

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It’s that time of year again. Yes, that’s right, friends: The Oscars are on tonight. After months of hyping and marketing, the award ceremony will finally give the nod to the best of the year’s best, what deserves to be remembered for all times as the cinematic apotheosis of this very year. Thanks to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, each and every movie that wins the Best Picture statue becomes a cherished classic, worthy of eternal glory. And in order to get you more in the mood for tonight’s telecast (and in case there’s any lingering doubt in your mind that the AMPAS sometimes makes the wrong choice), here’s a video chronicling the illustrious winners of Oscars past. Take a look after the jump.

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Ben Kingsley ball so hard, nothing matters. Just rocking out as the Mandarin. He isn’t a Joker analog. Or a Bane analog. Or something. Someone’s comeuppance totally isn’t coming.

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[WEEKEND OPEN BAR: The one-stop ramble-about-anything weekend post at OL. Comment on the topic at hand. Tell us how drunk you are. Describe a comic you bought. This is your chance to bring the party.]

It’s time to sing the praises of the unsung hero.

That’s not to say that there isn’t something wonderful about zest and panache and pageantry. `Cause there most certainly is. In fact, some of the best entertainment consists of the bombastic acts of conspicuous heroes. Take the guitar solos out of Megadeth’s Rust in Peace and see how much headbanging you do. Don’t let Tony Stark drink and bang babes and fly in his metal-dude suit, and feast your eyes on a rich nerd. Hell, would you even watch basketball if the NBA outlawed slam dunks?

I certainly wouldn’t.

Still, that’s not to say that all heroes are of the sweep-pickin’, philanderin’, slam-dunkin’ variety. There exists another sort, a breed concerned less about the spotlight and more about gettin’ the job done. Y’know the type — the guy quietly keepin’ to himself while the hero of the day slugs champagne and smacks ass and gets high-fived. These taciturn troopers may not be the first to spring to mind, but when we consider their contributions it’s impossible to deny their importance.

What I’m tryin’ to say is that there are unsung heroes who deserve our praise. If you really love the Beatles, send George Martin some flowers. If you think Michael Jordan’s the all-time greatest, get Scottie Pippen a Dunkin Donuts gift card. And if you think Tarantino is an unparalleled master of cinema, find a way to pay tribute to Sally Menke.

Even Moses would’ve been a useless sack of shit without Aaron.

[Which unsung heroes deserve to have their praises sung?]

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If there was any doubt (there shouldn’t have been) that Michael Bay’s Ninja Thing Alien Surfers reboot was going to suck, you can cast aside those foolish notions. Megan Fox has joined the enterprise, portraying a childhood crush of mine. She’ll be taking the role over, bringing to it freakishly large thumbs, and raging vapidity.

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Bryan Singer, sensing that I officially don’t give a fuck about his dumb X-Men: First Class: You Thought It Was a Reboot, Fuck You sequel, has dropped the new chairs that Charlie X will be bombing around in during Days of Future Past. Do you care? Does this titillate you? Not me.

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Kevin Smith just sort of spouts-off, and the world listens. At this point, I don’t even feel like holding my former adolescent idol responsible. If Smith continually ruminates on ideas out loud, eventually the responsibility of realizing what he is doing should be thrust upon us. So is any of this Clerks 3-as-book nonsense real? Who knows. Just our boy K-Smitty, flapping his gums as usual. Spitballin’.

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Felicity Jones is a very pretty lady. Latex is like, tots my favorite fetish. Should Marc Webb bring Miss Jones and latex together in the form of Black Cat, he can have my first child. Wait, the Mrs. is saying that isn’t cool. He can have his choice of sock from my collection. They all contain many of my children.

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David Lynch is a consummate artist. His matchless cinematic pursuit of capturing the wild, weird world that he sees around himself has been something to behold for many cineastes. He’s been pumping out fascinating works for well over thirty year, and when a new Lynch film hits the theater or the internet, it’s worth heeding, at the very least. Sure, it won’t be for everyone nor will it ever be (which is typically the case for an artist truly motivated by a personal vision rather than popularity and universal clarity), but it’s safe to say that everyone will witness something out of the ordinary–even when he’s chronicling places and experiences that have seemed ordinary before Lynch turned his gaze on it.  And his new short film/documentary “Idem Paris” is no different. Take a look after the jump.

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You may or may not know this, but I love the Totally Fast series. Laugh if you want, as I confess that while I find some installments to be clunkers (that fourth movie? woof), while maintaining that the others are fantastic. (Fastastic?) Sure, they’re total homoerotic bro fests, but they never fail to entertain. Me. Entertain me. I should clarify that.

So uh, here is the trailer for the sixth movie.

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