Things I’ve always wanted to do in my life: partake in a confused, drug-fueled gay orgy where we’re all wearing Ewok costumes. (Don’t tell my girlfriend.) Throw a game-winning touchdown pass. And finally, beat a zombie to death with a fucking dildo. Well, if I choose to buy Dead Rising 2, it’s forthcoming DLC is going to allow me to accomplish one of these dreams.

Kotaku:

Per the ESRB on Dead Rising 2: Case West: “One game area-a lounge with neon ‘XXX’ and ‘Love’ signs on the walls-depicts a ‘massager’ item shaped like a sex toy; players can use the item to strike zombies and human characters.”

Yep. There is a wieldable sex toy. You can monster mash with an orifice smasher. This is pure gold. Did another me, from a different dimension where I had talent and skill, secretly design this game? I don’t own this game, nor did I like the original. I know, that’s nigh heretical in certain circles. But the idea of beating a zombie with an amazing phallic object (alright, all phallic objects are amazing) is enough to give me momentary pause. Damn, it’s tempting.

Some asshole on eBay is selling a copy of Dragonball GT for a lot of money. Like, a lot of money to the tune of $7,000. That’s seven-thousand Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, yo. A lot of beef. And patty. Why the high price? Apparently it’s all rare and shit.

Destructoid:

Released in 1997, this fighting game is allegedly pretty rare. In fact, the seller increased his original selling price after estimating that a mere fifty sealed copies of the game existed in the United States. Back in the day, around 10,000 copies made it Stateside and it was incredibly sought after even back in the day.

The good news is that this seller isn’t the biggest asshole in the world. Who is it? The biggest asshole in the world is the fucking dildo who takes this schmuck up on his offer. Seriously. I mean, there are games I would pay a good amount for. Take Panzer Dragoon Saga. The difference is that “a good amount for” is something like $300. Not the $900 sealed copy. And I still don’t do that, because I’m   broke like woah. So don’t do it, tempted Dragondouche fanboys. For the love of God, don’t.

[Source: Blame It On the Voices via I Heart Chaos]

Your Wednesday evening moment of zen. I will allow you to fall into silence as everything begins to make (no) sense.

Rumors regarding the next Batman movie make my fucking world go round. Keeps me spinning, baby! Or, at least, they pass the time. A few moments of diversion. The latest rumor to vomit out from underneath some rock? Tom Hardy, who has already been cast in the movie, will be playing Batman villain Dr. Hugo Strange.

Forgive me, fellow geeks, I had no idea who the fuck that was. Thankfully, Slashfilm did me a solid.

Slashfilm:

The latest rumor is that Tom Hardy, who we know has been cast in the film, will be playing Dr. Hugo Strange, a possibility that has been discussed in the comments of almost every single one of our Batman posts. In the comics, Strange is a genius, mad scientist who becomes obsessed with Batman, learns his secret identity and ends up dressing up like him.

Well then. It would work for me. They’ve already undertaken the idea of exploring a Batman impostor, or the concept that his identity could be co-opted by someone else. And for what it’s worth, take a look at Tom Hardy from Bronson. Despite giving me a boner from his sheer sexiness in Inception, the dude can play creep well.

Very well.

I like this rumor   a lot.

I finally beat Call of Duty: Black Ops last night. Took a fucking week! Goddamn, I need my elite gaming status revoked. You say I haven’t had in a while? I say your Momma’s tits sag but I’ll suck em anyways! Oh lord! Father forgive me for my brash delivery. I enjoyed the fuck out of the game.

I dug the single player, the story, the presentation, everything. They hooked me in with the gimmicky as fuck numbers bullshit. I mean, yeah dude, I saw LOST. I loved the numbers back then too. Interrogation, floating numbers! Flashing, hypnotic surreal cut scenes? It was all so predictable, but it worked. Listen, Call of Duty isn’t looking to reinvent the wheel. I always think of these games (well, MW, MW2, and this) as six-hour Jack Bauer-esque experiences.   If you’re looking for depth, go jump into an Olympic swimming pool! And drown! Ha, the Pepsi Max, it speaks to me in riddles involving penises, and vaginas, and talking grizzly bears.

Anyways.

But yeah. Fight Club twist? Generic, predictable, still okay. A riff on the typical brainwashing the US agent to do someone else’s bidding? Generic, predictable, but still okay. It was executed well enough to keep me satisfied. I mean, I love Fight Club. I love Ed Brubaker’s Winter Soldier storyline in Captain America. I’m break dancing gleefully to all of these tropes already. Why not keep spinning to the beat you already enjoy?

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Boingboing:

According to WrascalBC’s translation on this Vintage Ads post, the text on this Tokyo subway poster reads, “I look like Santa because you’ve had too much to drink. It’s only October. If you drink, be considerate of the other passengers.”

So now we know what Santa does the rest of the year. He gets fucking slizzard on Tokyo subway stations and pukes all up in his beard. Santa’s a good guy, but I don’t recommended sitting on his lap while he’s blasted. Normally he’s quite under control, but during states of impressive intoxication, he makes the unfortunate mistake of letting his Crotch Candy Cane run amok.

Beware.

BioWare is going to be revealing their “next big game” at this year’s Spike VGA. However, it appears that teasing a teaser is the new black. You don’t just release a trailer anymore, no fucking sir. First, you have to release a teaser trailer for the teaser trailer. It happened with the Green Lantern trailer last week, and it’s happening now for this BioWare game.

Impressions? It isn’t Mass Effect 3, and that makes me sad. Sure, I lap up anything from BioWare like the pathetic lapdog I am. So whatever this new title is, if I’m correct in guessing it isn’t ME3, is going to be intergalactic stellar-time. Or maybe not intergalactic at all.

Hit the jump for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer. Then hit the comments box with your thoughts on what it could be. Speculation? It’s fun.

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Today Bethesda announced the first round of Fallout: New Vegas DLC. The add-on, titled Dead Money is going to be hitting the 360 exclusively on December 21. Oh goody! Hopefully by then, the first comprehensive patch will be out for FNV that’ll actually turn the piece of software into a functioning game! Then this DLC will bring to us wasteland wanderers a whole new slew of glitches, game freezing bugs, and quirks.

I’m being bitter.

What’s actually in this DLC?

Kotaku:

The 800 Microsoft point pack has players working alongside three other captured wastelanders to recover the treasure of the Sierra Madre Casino. The download add-on includes new terrain, foes and choices, according to the Bethesda Softworks press release.

“We’re pleased to give fans a chance to expand their experience in Fallout: New Vegas this December with Dead Money,” said Pete Hines, VP of PR and Marketing for Bethesda Softworks. “The release of Dead Money illustrates our commitment to creating entertaining add-on content for players to enjoy in already massive games like Fallout: New Vegas.”

I’m going to buy it. Of course I’m going to buy it. If you’ve learned anything about me while browsing this website for an extended period of time, it should be two things. First, my love for Fallout transcends bugs and glitches and even mediocre side installments. Here’s looking at you, New Vegas! And secondly, I have no principles when compared to curiosity and more specifically to new installments of things I love. So while I feel I maybe should like, pretend to boycott this DLC because Obsidian released FNV with more glitches than can be counted, I can’t.

So I’m not even going to pretend.

Marvel’s announced the cancellation of Thor: The Mighty Avenger. And I have to say without any irony that this significantly bums me out.

Thor: The Mighty Avenger stole this site’s heart from the moment it was released. A lighthearted, beautiful rendition of the god of thunder and his experiences in good ole Asgard caught me off guard. Thor usually broods, Thor usually swings his hammer and pouts about Odin dismissing him from his realm. This was different. This was fun and sweet and it had heart. I was smitten. My brother was smitten.

The issues were self-contained romps that complimented each other in growing towards something greater.   While sites have reported that the title will get a satisfying conclusion in January, I can only wonder what they were building towards, had they been given time. I lamented last week about the deluge of Thor titles hitting the market. Something had to give. Unfortunately, it is my favorite Thor title on the market getting the axe. Maybe it was too kind, too witty, too innocent. Even with forthcoming titles getting nixed, Deadpool has ninety-three titles. Logan as a zillion. Skint and bawdy humor and et cetera, and et cetera.

Again, sadness.

I have to tip my cap to Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee. They sold me on a title in three or four pages of the initial run, and two creators who I had never heard of before became instant favorites. Crisp dialogue, tight scripts, gorgeous, ephermeal artwork. It all came together! Ah well, motherfucker. Nothing gold can last, right? Kudos to the two of you, for proving that there’s room for wonder amongst the smoldering and brooding in the Marvel universe.

If you haven’t checked out TMA yet, get the fuck on it. Your negligent ass killed it. The least you can do is enjoy the entire run, which, consider its only eight issues, is not only brilliant, but cost efficient.

[Enlarge]

Sometimes when I go to sleep, I picture myself gallivanting about in a space faring society. I know it sounds dorky. Alright, it is dorky. But it brings me some sort of existential tranquility to picture a civilization where the humans haven’t blown themselves to smithereens, or even worse, simply stagnated. No, I picture them flying about, perhaps still bound by the same petty and persistent human drives. But flying.

So when I see this picture of Tracy Caldwell Dyson looking out of a porthole in the ISS, I know for certain that someone is coming close to living my dream. I can’t imagine the sort of mind-fuck nirvana it is, to gaze down at the big blue marble all us lead feet are stuck on. The mind-fuck that comes from saying “I was down there, but now I am up here. But we are all in outer-space, spinning merrily on our way.”

It’s gorgeous.