[Photo: Ripten.]

Billy Mitchell is the ultimate gaming villain. He’s got a sick ass mullet, a sick ass beard, sick ass hot sauce, and now an homage in recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Sure, he doesn’t have the world record anymore in the original Donkey Kong. But with props, a sick mullet, and the likes, who gives a fuck.

Probably him.

But still, his amazing USA tie can be found in the game. Got the game? Keep an eye out in the monkey ruins in World 3-2, and you can see a serious daps to the baddest motherfucker in the gamin’ world.

If only they could have worked in his mullet of glory.

Look at the stars and stripes on Billy’s tie, and look at the stars and stripes on the the monkey ruins in world 3-2 of Donkey Kong Country Returns.

A thousand years ago, when this season was a bore, I couldn’t have imagined enjoying the season as much as I am. But none the less, episode upon episode continues to build upon the rocket doomship that Dexter and Lumen seem to be strapped onto. Unbeknown to them, the spilling of the Jordan Chase gang’s barrel loot has kicked off a cascading set of events that are building towards either the most plucky escape or their doom. I think it’s safe to bet on escape. But fucking how?

The unveil behind the creation of the Boyd Fowler posse popped off last night, and it was nothing short of satisfying. Nothing like some gang rape at summer camp to truly cement these dudes in the echelons of monsters. The creepiest part? Jordan not partaking in the ritual. Instead, the son of a bitch guides the rapes and murders, imploring his little lackeys to seize their primal desire. The dude probably goes home and burps his dong into a bucket. It is voluminous. Creeper creeping in the background, orchestrating everything.

What does this say about his drives, though? For someone who tells everyone else to go about taking what they believe is theirs, why doesn’t he actually partake in the ritual? Overlord of the Rape Gang?

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And these sneakers are super-swank-masturbation, no? Good friend of mine, and newly minted contributor, Patrick brought these bad boys to my attention. I think he enjoys showing me sneakers that I couldn’t even fit my big toe into. You son of a bitch, Patrick!

Hypebeast breaks down these studs:

Inspired by the DeLorean DMC-12, Nike 6.0 Introduces the Limited-Edition DeLorean Nike Dunk, a Fusion of Innovation and Style. Influenced by the DMC-12′s aerodynamic design and trademark characteristics, Nike reinterpreted the car’s sleek stainless steel exterior into a matte silver, no-sew constructed upper while also taking cues from the gull-wing doors on the bottom eyestay. The shoe’s outsole references the Delorean’s tail lights and the DMC-12′s rear window shades reappear as graphic lines on the heel replacing the traditional stitches. Meanwhile, the Belfast stamp on the tongue is a nod to the Irish factory that originally produced the vehicle.

Sexiness. Hit the jump for a gallery of these time-traveling sex pieces.

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Anyone who insists that the Christmas season is all about Jesus Christ and his magical mystery tour is going to need to sit out of this one. You see, it’s been stolen! By secularists, agnostics like myself, and apparently awesome witches like Alan Moore. You may know Moore as the genius behind Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Swamp Thing and a myriad of miscellany too long to type.

Alan Moore is also an anarchist, and witch. But that isn’t stopping him from seizing the Christmas spirit. And casting a spell of totally fucking awesome giving.

Comics Alliance:

Alan Moore has made news by making a generous Christmastime donation to the needy in his hometown of Northampton, England. The co-creator of such memorable graphic novels as Watchmen and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen will make a gift of 300 Christmas baskets (valued at £3,000) in December.

Mince pies, coffee, sugar, puddings and canned food will be among the items contained in Moore’s gift baskets, according to the Northampton Chronicle. The package will be made of re-usable cloth bags provided by Northampton’s own Co-op supermarket.

Fucking awesome. Take that! Alan Moore is a perfect candidate for Santa Claus. He has an amazing beard. He has obviously magical powers. What does he have to say about his obvious position as the real-life Santa Claus?

“This particular issue is dear to my heart as it’s the area I grew up in and it is one of the most deprived areas in the whole country,” said Moore. “Those people who are living in sheltered housing and those going to the Salvation Army, who often don’t have homes, are living in very difficult circumstances and I think that any sign that they have been remembered and not forgotten is going to mean something to them.”

Alan Moore is my kind of Santa. I’ve always wanted a Santa that penned creepy Lovecraftian gangbangs with mythical creatures like he did in Neocomicon #2. But more than that, Moore is my sort of dude. Despite not being one with the Jesus Guy, he’s leveraging the spirit of the season to do something solid for people in need. So next time someone gives me shit for being in the spirit of Christmas, or rocking a tree and having a giving attitude despite being an agnostic, I’m sending them in Uncle Alan’s direction.

He’ll done straighten it out.

The director behind the Empire Strikes Back totally became one with the Force today. Lame jokes ahoy! Seriously though, Irvin Kershner passed away tofay at the age of 87. Goddamn. As the director of my favorite installment of my favorite thing ever, the dude has a special place in my heart. Ah, mortality! You son of a bitch.

Rest in piece duder, high five Nielsen for all of us.

So it goes.

It’s being reported that Leslie Nielsen has died after a brief bout of pneumonia. As a child of the early 1990s, I’ll always remember Nielsen as Lieutenant Frank Drebin of the Naked Gun franchise. However, Leslie’s filmography extends far beyond those three masterpieces and he should be praised for producing an entire body of work – most of which was geared towards slapstick-abuse and crafty-wordplay.

If God lets Canadians into heaven, I have a feeling that Mr. Nielsen might be chilling with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze.

What are we going to do when we consummate the inevitable? You know, destroying the Earth? Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’ll be throwing a fucking kegger on Rhea. It appears that one of Saturn’s sixty moons has a breathable atmosphere.

io9:

Saturn’s icy moon Rhea has an oxygen and carbon dioxide atmosphere that is very similar to Earth’s. Even better, the carbon dioxide suggests there’s life – and that possibly humans could breathe the air.

It seems oxygen is far more abundant than we ever suspected, particularly on moons that seem to be completely frozen solid. We recently found evidence of oxygen on Jupiter’s moons Europa and Ganymede, and now this finding on Europa. In fact, because the region of space surrounding Saturn’s rings has an oxygen atmosphere, it’s thought even more of the icy moons within the gas giant’s magnetosphere likely have little atmospheres of their own.

According to new data from the Cassini probe, the moon’s thin atmosphere is kept up by the constant chemical decomposition of ice water on the surface of Rhea. It’s likely that Saturn’s fierce magnetosphere is continually irradiating this ice water, which is what helps to maintain the atmosphere. Researchers suspect a lot of Rhea’s oxygen isn’t actually free right now, but is instead trapped inside Rhea’s frozen oceans.

Maybe. Fucking scientists. Someday there will be a statement that has the words “absolutely” or “certainly” or “positive” that I can get psyched for.   I’m waiting for the proclamation that’s like “Definitely hot chicks and Mountain Dew on Mars! Plus, small boners are cool there.” Try and stop me from getting on that space shuttle.

Now we’re talking about a Black Sabbath! What’s going on? Welcome to the Planet Omega, of the Inappropriate System. Stumbled across this web comic over at I Heart Chaos. I think it’s something like two years old, so stuff it with the “This shit is old!” nonsense. I’m aware. But fuck, it’s new to me.

What’s crackin? Sunday morning. Ripped to the tits on caffeine, contemplating a day filled with propelled leather objects, zombies, and sociopaths. Can you have a better Sunday than one filled with football, Dexter, and The Walking Dead? Probably. But it’s a pretty fucking good one.

Throw in Jesus Christ killing Nazis, and we’re golden!

Views From The Space-Ship, aka Desktop Tuesdays, aka Desktop Thursdays is a (theoretically) weekly column where I show you my worlds. Share your own in the comments section!

Pardon the tardiness! Yesterday I was busy stuffing myself to the brim with chocolates and the flesh of formerly animate organic objects. Step inside the hall of the Mental King, ya’ll.

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Did you just shit out the nineteen pounds of stuffing you conquered yesterday? Or are you like me, completely enraptured with the headline, but failing to comprehend the implications?

io9:

The world’s most powerful particle accelerator smashed together lead nuclei at the highest energies possible, creating dense sub-atomic particles that reach temperatures of over ten trillion degrees. Beyond being awesome, this achievement shows the early universe was actually a liquid.

Normal matter can’t exist in any form at these sort of absurdly hot temperatures. Instead, matter is thought to melt into a strange, soup-like substance known as quark-gluon plasma. Researchers are still investigating exactly what happens when this quark-gluon plasma emerges, but the early results seem to confirm the theory that the plasma acts like a liquid, not a gas.

Well uh, wait, then? So the entire universe existed as a soup-like substance known as quark-gluon plasma. That’s funny, since I seemed to blast some quark-gluon plasma inside my boxer-brief last night after my thirtieth pumpkin spice cookie.

io9:

“Although it is very early days we are already learning more about the early Universe. These first results would seem to suggest that the Universe would have behaved like a super-hot liquid immediately after the Big Bang.”

I love this sort of mind-warping speculation. I mean, since that’s what it really is, speculation. But it’s neat, no?