#April2014

‘UNCHARTED’ writer Amy Henning is now new ‘STAR WARS’ game’s creative director

Amy Hennig.

I’m going to go ahead and say this now. Write it in digital stone. The next Star Wars game is going to rule. Drawing inspiration from the Batman: Arkham Games. Being spearheaded by Amy Hennig. This is fucking awesome.

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‘HALO 4′ LEAD DESIGNER joins VISCERAL. Make it so.

Dead Space 3.

Halo 4 was dope. Trust me. I’m not a fanboy of the series. It was fun. Fresh. Funky fresh. Master Chief’s new haircut and wandering sexual proclivities really upped the ante in the series. So I’m excited to see the game’s lead designer throw up the deuces and join Visceral Games. Maybe the Good Sir can unfuck the Dead Space series. Should it even get a sequel, right?

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PIGS IS PIGS: ELECTRONIC ARTS snags exclusive ‘STAR WARS’ video game rights.

BE EXCITED.

I want to be bitter about the fact that the fat ass Leviathan that is Electronic Arts has snagged the Star Wars franchise. However, maybe this means that they’ll churn out some space-worthy adventures. Just imagine! It has potential. For example, if this results in KOTOR 3, I’m going to jizz all over my belly.

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Monday Morning Commute: In space, no one can hear you moan.

MMC \\ SHE LOVES ME.

Now begins the dark age, when the football fiasco pop-culture zeitgeist begins to slumber until September. Without any weekly caloric-crushing, fantasy football fist-pumping, the average male wanders around lost. Not me. No way. Thanks to the courtesies extended by the various arts that I indulge in on a weekly basis. This is Monday Morning Commute, the column where we gather to discuss these interests. Look at that fucking segue, and fondle me. As you do so, I’ll pat you gently and caress your soft face. We are in this together.

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‘DEAD SPACE 3′ features N7 ARMOR and microstransactions. Win some, lose some.

Dead Space 3 - microstransacting your ass.

At this point in the dance, continuing to complain about microtransactions in gaming is like me complaining about blood in my stool. It is part and parcel for the area. If I didn’t want blood in my stool, I’d stop soaking my cells in aluminium filings to keep away the Illuminati Mind Control. If I didn’t want to deal with microtransactions, I would stop gaming. Dead Space 3 is the latest culprit in this spreading phenomenon. But don’t cry! It has N7 armor for some of us. Wee!

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‘DEAD SPACE 3′ adds fan-made ‘HUN-E1 BADGER’ to game’s weapons.

This is a fucking treat. Caleb Mendoza is the winner of some sort of Dead Space 3 contest, and the weapon he designed is going to be up in the game. It’s a cute little reference, Caleb. Though, not what I would have chosen. I would have designed some sort of head-splitting cock rocket that Isaac channeled through his suit’s internal energy pack and out of his hog. Directly out of his hog. It would have been magic.

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‘DEAD SPACE 3′ screenshots remind me that despite my bitching, I’ll buy it.

Despite all my hot-winded, rot-gutted bitching about Dead Space 3, I’m not going to pass on the title. I just can’t. Even a neutered installment in the franchise is better than nothing at all. At least to me. Here’s some new screenshots for the jam, screenshots that have my balls a bit tender.

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‘DEAD SPACE 2′ HOODIE is a gorgeous Clarke homage.

One of my favorite parts of the Dead Space series is upgrading my suits. There’s something about the clinking and clacking of armor coming together that milks the techno-g spot. Every time that gorgeous salt and pepper bastard Clarke gets an upgrade, I get a little dribbly

Artist machine56 understands this, and designed a hoodie based around Clarke’s advanced suit. Now it isn’t real yet, but Jesus Fucking Christ I would pay good money to garb myself in it.

Hit the jump for the pure swank.

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Dead Space 2 Has Doubled Sales Of The Original. In A Week.

I loved the original Dead Space. I love the sequel even more. Apparently, I’m not the only one who loves this sequel. No sir. In fact, Dead Space 2 has doubled the sales of the original game. In the first fucking week!  According to CVG:

EA chief operating officer John Schappert said of the game, which released last week: ‘The game launched with a 91 rating, and is approaching 2 million units sold in, with double the sell-through of the original Dead Space.'”

Outstanding.

Dead Space 2 Impressions: Cyberpunk Boner.

OH SHIT, I’m coasting on some caffeine. Cracked open Dead Space 2 yesterday. Played it for about…an hour and a half? Thoughts: it’s fucking radical. Like, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles radical. Tubular, even. Initial fears over Isaac Clarke having a prominent speaking role? Dismissed. Cast aside. Having him play a larger role is fantastic, and he’s also apparently a sexy lad. Yeah, I don’t know why I’m mentioning that. Ripping this shit off the tip of consciousness. A consciousness polished and aimed with a caffeinated machine gun spray.

MY FAVORITE PART SO FAR?
The setting. As much as I liked the whole Event Horizon-Alien-Whatever tip of the original, I love the Sprawl more. Why? ‘Cause if you ain’t in the know, son, it’s a cyberpunk homage. There’s no way the name the Sprawl isn’t a head nod to William Gibson’s Neuromancer. The setting itself reflects this homage, the whole thing looking like a cyberpunk orgasm that channels Gibson and Blade Runner and other bonery.

GAMEPLAY?
Like the original, but adrenaline charged. A lot more enemies coming at you at once, and Jesus they seem to be running a lot faster. Maybe it’s because I played it after a long day, but I was (enjoying) having a harder time corralling all of the little demons charging me.

HAVE YOU PLAYED IT?
I’m only on the third chapter, but I’d be interested to hear other people’s thoughts-in-progress.