Review: Halo 3: ODST – Narrative Evolved

September 29th, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

halo 3 odst

I may be crazy enough to call Halo 3: ODST the best installment in the Halo franchise yet. It seems particularly insane, since the game started off as DLC, then sprawled into a full release. All of this while not shaking the Halo 3 umbrella, because it wasn’t long enough, it wasn’t a full game, et cetera, blah blah. But I’m going to lay it on the line: ODST is shockingly superior in narrative and presentation to all the other Halo games. It left me with a sense of satisfaction that I haven’t gotten since the original Halo. And that’s what, eight years ago at this point? But I’m not bullshitting you.

Master Chief Sucks.

Oh my god fifteen million people just shit their pants. Fanboys are falling over and fainting and arming electronic messages of hate. But I love ODST so much more than the other Halo games because it finally put a human face to the epic, generic sprawling war that encompasses the Halo mythos. Master Chief is awesome because he can take an ass-kicking that would fell a tank, he does cool shit like hop out of spaceships, and he’s apparently schizophrenic and talks to computer AIs in his brain.

But can anyone relate to Master Chief?

I CAN, I TOTALLY READ THE SEVENTEEN BOOKS PLUS I FOLLOWED ALL THE VIRAL MARKETING, AND OH YEAH, I’M AN OVERWEIGHT GAYLORD FANBOY

Yeah well, let’s say that you’re someone who hasn’t read all the books, decoded all the messages, spent a million years on the Bungie message boards ruminating with fellow Halo fanatics. Is Master Chief anything more than the standard John McClean trope? No, not really.

I can’t tell you anything about the first three Halo games at this point. It’s been what, two years since the third installment came out? It’s forgettable slop. Yeah, I said it: forgettable slop. It’s a mushy Sci-Fi tale that borders on non-sensical for anyone who doesn’t want to sit down and hash everything out.

So what you’re saying is that the storyline sucks because you’re too stupid to understand it?

Actually, maybe.

But what I’m really trying to emphasize is that I haven’t connected with Master Chief and the primary storyline because it stars a sterile, unrelatable hero, with poor presentation.

So prior to playing ODST I thought that telling a lovable tale in the Halo universe was impossible.

Then I met Buck and Veronica.

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Not Dead Yet: A Litany of Updates: FFXIII, Pandorum, Dollhouse

September 29th, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

Caffeine Powered

I’ve totally sucked at updating Omega Level the last few days, and for that I apologize. I’ve been busy with tutoring, school, too many sporting events, and my writing gig over at Mishka Bloglin. I’ve been out of the loop for the most part too. It’s fucking daunting, turning your back on the infostream. All of a sudden you’ve been gone for two days, and there’s roughly four-zillion things to catch up on. Here, have a bulletin.

  1. The Final Fantasy XIII trailer from the Tokyo Game Show is fucking gorgeous.
  2. Going into Pandorum, I knew the movie was going to suck. Then it preceded to be the worst movie I’ve seen in ages.
  3. Speaking of sucking cocks covered in open sores, the first episode of Dollhouse S2 continues the show’s tradition of being absolutely unbearable.
  4. In the span of a month, there’s five games (two on one day) that I want to play/cover for Omega Level. Brutal Legend, Uncharted 2, Borderlands, Ratchet & Clank, and Modern Warfare 2. I fucking hate this time of year for gaming. It’s amazing/awful.
  5. Pepsibones is my brother, and he does a fair share of posts far better than mine. For those wondering who was penning the Friday Night Brew Review it’s him. His liver and sanity are taking a hit for you fucks. Get drunk with him and read reviews such as these.
  6. You owe it to yourself to watch Community on NBC. It’s on Thursday nights, after The Office.

What have you been up to?

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Friday Brew Review – Raspberry Barleywine Ale

September 25th, 2009 by Rendar Frankenstein

Friday Brew Review

Friday again — another week of possibility subtracted from my life, and thus another excuse to drink! Oh, how I love doing these Friday Brew Reviews.

Coming home from a high school football game, Mrs. Krueger and I took a detour at the liquor store. Trying my best to be a gentleman, I offered  that she  “pick out something to get yourself drunk off of.” Always one to party, she found a “raspberry beer — that sounds fun” and we were on our way.

I was halfway through the original brew I planned to feature when Mrs. Krueger finally opened up her choice for the evening. The fair lady took one sip, grimaced while choking it down, and asked to switch. Initially I laughed, but then remembered the promise I made to myself to be more chivalrous — you know, some straight-up King Arthur shit.

Taking the fatboy-sized bottle, I began to pound the Berkshire Brewing Company’s Raspberry Barleywine Ale. Big mistake. I had (for one reason or another) anticipated being treated to a fun beer with a light aftertaste of fruit — wrong on all accounts.

First and foremost, Raspberry Barleywine Ale should advertise its alcohol content somewhere on the bottle itself. The first sip, heedlessly poured into my gullet, saw me almost gag on the unexpected flavor of alcohol. While the company’s website told me of the product’s 9% alcohol content, this information would have been much more useful beforehand.

Secondly, these folks need to downplay the “ale” aspect and highlight the Barleywine component. This stuff tastes much more like wine than any worthwhile beer, ale, or lager I’ve ever consumed. Also, with an oversized bottle, doling this shit out like wine just seems like it would make more sense.

Lastly, I suppose the Berkshire Brewing Company might want to consider working on the actual flavor. Maybe I’m being harsh, but this just doesn’t taste that great. It’s decent and was put out at a fair price, but it certainly isn’t a beverage I can recommend as being worthy of spending time or energy hunting down.

Maybe the fact that the brewery’s website lists the drink as being a FEBRUARY (not Autumn or October) seasonal condemns it to suckiness. Or maybe I should have found a store that rotates its inventory more frequently.

Oh well. I’m started to get lifted and am done complaining. Perhaps I’ll fare better next week.

For its alcohol content and relatively low price, Berkshire Brewing Company’s Raspberry Barleywine Ale squeaks out with a C.

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Denzel’s “The Book of Eli” Looks Dope, Because It Looks Like a Fallout Rip-Off

September 25th, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

fallout-eli

If there’s one thing you know I love, it’s Fallout 3. Which is why I’m excited for Denzel Washington’s movie The Book of Eli. Why is that? Well, it stars a dude wandering a post-apocalyptic wasteland with some mysterious item promising a resurrection or some shit. Yeah, it’s Fallout. It also has ridiculous ass-whupping action. And Commissioner Gordon.

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Final Fantasy VIII Coming to PSN: Myself and Three Other People Ecstatic

September 24th, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

squall

Poor Final Fantasy VIII. It followed VII, which made roughly eight-zillion nerds who had never played an RPG fall in love with the genre. Myself included. Little did we know that most were mine-fields filled with shit, slow-ass battles, and mediocrity.

I loved it. All my friends hated it. It was definitely not Final Fantasy VII 2.0 Us being neophiles to the series, that left a lot of us befuddled. Holding on to one another, crying and asking where Cloud and materia were.

It had the Draw System.

I loved it.

It was Dawson’s Creek in Space and Time.

I loved it.

And now it’s coming to the PSN shortly.

Awesome.

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Things I’m Sweating: Hot Ass Final Fantasy XIII-Themed PS3

September 24th, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

lightning-small

Time Line:

Sony releases the PS3 Slim.

I say to myself, that’s hot as hell. But Ian, you’re broke and unemployed, you can’t afford it.

Gamestop announces you can get 150$ towards a PS3 Slim if you trade in your old PS3. I begin to waver.

Not Sony shows this FFXII Themes PS3 Slim.

My conviction continually wavers. It’s fucking hot. I generally don’t enjoy Game-Themed consoles. I may, it’s not my Final Fantasy XIII-player. It’s a general console. I know it’s irrational, OCD type shit. And I know I’ll hold strong…despite this. Probably. But if I was ever going to buy a themed console. It’d probably be this. Jesus.

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Sony to Nintendo: We’ll Have Shitty Rehashes With Motion Controls Too!

September 24th, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

motion2

Ah, god bless the shitty motion controls gimmick. I thought it was going to die. I thought that maybe, somehow, people weren’t going to dig it. But now everyone is into it.

And then, somehow, I thought that maybe shitty motion controls remakes would be relegated to the Wii. Stupid Resident Evil 4 with motion controls. The Metroid Prime games re-released with motion controls. I mean, what’s worse than the stupid gimmick that is motion controls? Making some cheap cash off of rehashes with the gimmick smashed into it.

Well guess what, PS3 fans! Apparently you’re going to get to re-buy Resident Evil 5 and Littlebigplanet so you can shake your little wrist to make them uh, do stuff:

Via Kotaku:

Well, we now know what that “Resident Evil 5: Director’s Cut” stuff was all about. It’s a re-release of RE5, built to take advantage of Sony’s upcoming motion controller.

The game will be out in Spring 2010, and it’s far from the only existing PS3 title to take advantage of the new peripheral. During SCEJ’s TGS press conference, Sony’s Shuhei Yoshida revealed that the controller will also work with existing games like LittleBigPlanet, EyePet, Flower, Pain, High Velocity Bowling “and more”.

Sick! More phallus-shaking action! Christ, between jacking off compulsively and now wasting money on shitty motion-based rehashes, I’ll have the wrist of a god! Which is uh, good for nothing.

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The Conclusion to Old Man Logan Will Make You Snikt Yourself

September 23rd, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

PIle of Hero Death

Old Man Logan‘s conclusion is the stuff that legend shall be built upon. I’m planning on writing up a big deconstruction and essay about the storyline for Friday, but I had to type something. Like, I had to. Sitting in my mancave reading this comic to myself, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. Huge, filthy laughs of disbelief and amazement. The conclusion redefines the term Berserker Rage. Seriously. You have no god damn idea.

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A Thousand MMA Fans Scream Out At Once – Rampage Retired?!

September 23rd, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

Das Howl

Jesus sweet Christ, I turn my back on MMA news for like one day and I miss Rampage Jackson retiring? Over a fucking role in the A-Team movie? Dana White was understandably pissed when Rampage had to delay his fight when Rashad Evans over some shitty movie. So Dana talked some shit. And Rampage? Oh yeah, he quit.

Via Cagewriter:

…so I’m done fighting. I’ve been getting negative reviews from the dumb ass fans that don’t pay my bills or put my kids though college. So I’m hanging it up. I’m gonna miss all my loyal fans but hopefully they’ll follow me to my new career & I will gain more loyal fans along the way. & all you hater fans out there can kiss my big black hairy [expletive]! & anybody that don’t like what I just said can come try to kick my [expletive]!

What the shit? Rampage isn’t my favorite fighter – that would go to Black Neo, aka Anderson Silva. But he’s the funniest dude going in the octagon, and every time they get a microphone near him you’re about to witness comedic gold. Not to mention I’d be sweating his fight with Rashad Evans for the past seventy-nine months. Now the dude is hanging it up so he can act? Whatever Rampage is sniffing, the goods are potent, and I probably want some.

This blows.

Hopefully this is just a tough-dude throwing a sissy-fit. Because I’ve seen your future, and I don’t think you’re going to make it rich playing the titular role in The Scorpion King IV: Black Scorpion Voodoo. Please baby, come back.

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Let’s State Obvious Things: Naughty Dog’s Uncharted to Be A Franchise

September 23rd, 2009 by Caffeine Powered

OMFG

Hey, let’s churn some obvious bullshit and pass it off as news!

Via Kotaku:

[Uncharted 2] doesn’t conclude the story at all. The expectation with Uncharted 2 is that it can be an ongoing franchise as long as people want more of it.

Wait, really? This news blows my mind for two reasons:

1) I thought middle installments of stories always conclude the tale.

2) I always thought they didn’t make sequels to successful franchises because they didn’t want to milk it to death.

Seriously, this is staggering news. As a non-snarky aside, I can’t wait for Uncharted 2. The original game is still my favorite PS3-exclusive. It doesn’t pioneer anything, but it executes on so many levels with bonerfying proficiency. Hilarious typical wise-ass lead, beautiful visuals, addictive and challenging gameplay, the quinessential shotgun of fury. Every game should have a shotgun of fury. It’s scientifically established the shotgun is the coolest gun in any video game. Ever.

But seriously Naughty Dog, this is good news. But could you take a break and give me a PS3 Jak and Daxter? I’ll sell my nana to you. And my dad.

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