It’s finally happened. Remember the urban legend that said there was a fucking landfill out in New Mexico filled with unsold copies of that raw-ass E.T: The Extratesticle tie-in game? Well, friends. Transmute that mythos into undeniable fact.
Yeahhh! Pig alert! I can’t help it (Yes I can, I’m just a piece of shit.) I want to swerve my swizzle stick all around Master Chief’s blue-bummed aid’s ass. Or something. What am I even talking about? So tired. Oh yeah! Being attracted to polygons. Cortana. Yum yum. Microsoft must know that I’m not alone, because they’re calling their Siri equivalent “Cortana.”
Respawn Entertainment’s Xbox One exclusive has gotten itself a gameplay trailer, and my goodness. I’m not one to lean on hyperbole for descriptiveness (heh), but watching this trailer literally compelled my dong-tip to burst forth off the shaft. It fluttered about the room, running up the corners of the walls in a hysteria. After finally exhausting itself of its unexplained kinetic energy, it fell listlessly into the aquarium. Where the angelfish ate it.
This is froggy fresh. One of the interesting things about this Fall is that titles are dropping across multiple generations. What if I buy Call of Duty: It’s A Doggy Dog Life on my 360, but then I snag an XBONE for Christmas? What will happen to all those wonderful maps I snagged? Microsoft? They’re actually doing me a fucking solid.
I have to hand it to the Xbox One. It is fucking awesome at moonwalking. Just backpedalling like a motherfucker. All smooth and shit, feet gliding over the floor.
Microsoft is dropping their policy of charging game developers for patches, and other updates. Pretty neat. The cost apparently was significant, and if I recall correctly drove away indie studios from patching their games and the such. Was it Fez that gave up being patched? I think? Anyways — neat.
Let’s talk about how important Monday was for determining the game industry’s narrative for the coming months.
Let’s also talk about what it means to gamers like you, and me, and how industry giants like Microsoft and Sony communicated with us via the grand stage of E3.
Monday saw PR-beleageured Microsoft take the stage first, around 9:30 a.m. Pacific Time. There’s no beating around the bush – they had an uphill battle to wage, one very much set up by their own PR snafoos over the last month.
I want to be jaded about this announcement. Point out that the company that made this game is essentially dead. And then I hear the distinct Killer Instinct announcer’s voice, and my crusty jaded shell is vaporized.
It’s a confusing fucking start to E3’s flagship channel of coverage, Spike/GTTV.
A Vita world premiere that amounted to an esoteric Japanese handheld bore that looked like a war of icons and numbers?
Rare’s return to the centre stage to show off a new Kinect Sports?
We can all hope this is all just ancillary padding to the main events – the first of which is Microsoft’s XBox Media Briefing at 12:30pm EST – which are primed to be as packed full of goodness as they ever have been.
Today is the day the big hitters – MS, EA, Ubisoft and Sony – speak to the gaming press, the gaming population and the public at large about their plans for entertainment for the next 5-7 years. Make it good kids! The world’s watching.
What are you all excited for this E3?
Mountain Dew is teaming up with Microsoft for a huge push on cheesy products, caffeinated beverages, and the gaming console that is NSA’s data-culling wet dream. It’s a bit of an obvious extension of a collaboration that has been going on for a while now. But this one is going to be HUGE and ENORMOUS and CHEESY.