#July2011
Rumor: ‘PlayStation 4’ Set For 2012 Release, With Kinect-Type Controls.
Take it with a grain of salt, but the rumor du jour is that PlayStation 4 is going to drop next year with Kinect-type controls. Oh goodie, the virus spreads!
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Sony Claims Only The Most Hardcore Gamers Use ‘PlayStation Home’. LOL.
PlayStation Home is something I’ve never logged into. Ever. I spent something in excess of $500 a year on video games. Not counting my Live! subscription, nor DLC. According to Sony, I am the type of gamer who should be using Playstation Home. I wouldn’t use it for anything short of money. Or good, good porn networks.
Press Start!: It’s E3. Gimmicky Controllers, TVs, and Franchises.
Press Start!, the week of E3. There was a time when E3 was a wondrous occasion. Those days are gone now, like leaves from a tree. With the advent of the Internet, everything is known weeks prior. Secrets exposed, dissected. Shit is passé before it’s even revealed. Take for example Nintendo’s Wii U. While I’ll admit that seeing any new console in motion gets me up, it would have truly blown my asshole out if they could have kept the entirety of it secret until the conference.
With that in mind, let us not spend the entirety of our fleeting brain-focus-capacities on regurgitating the quasi-reveals and appreciable moments of the Big Three at the show. Let us instead turn our ADD-addled brains towards shooting the shit about the show. Deal? Press Start!’s usual conceit is pressed pause in lieu of some geek spit.
Two ‘Uncharted 3’ E3 Trailers. November Is Far Away. Far.
I’m really feeling this year’s E3. Through some fortuitous bending of universal whims, a lot of my favorite franchises are getting reveals at the same time. One of them happens to be Uncharted 3!, with both an E3 reveal trailer as well as a gameplay walkthrough. What a blessed series. No, seriously. I love Indiana Drake, or Nathan Jones, or whatever you want to call him.
Hit the jump for the videos.
Sony Confirms It’s Working On Next Console. Golly Gosh!
With Wii 2 news carving up the video game websites like a mo’fuckah, I suppose it was only time until Microsoft and Sony were all like “Yo!, we’re totally making new consoles as well! Love us, worship us, fiddle our knobs. Please!” That’s exactly what the CFO of Sony did today.
Sony’s PSN Hacking Will Run Them A Cool $171 Million.
Sony’s having a rough fucking go of it this year. Latest case in point: the PSN calamity which has kept may a dork aflutter with video game website news is going to cost them $171 million.
Press Start!: Young Girls, Seedy Motels, and Court Cases.
Welcome to Press Start! The column where I jot down five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. Poor edited!, check. Zero revisions!, check. Cobbled together on a couple of wings, a prayer, and ridiculous amounts of caffeine in the early hours of the morning.
I encourage all dorks and dinks and nerds and nincompoopto contribute what they dug this week.
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#1: Grand Theft Auto Gives You Extra Points For Killing Kids!
Oh fuck son! I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto wrong for nearly ten fucking years. Longer than that if you take into account the first two top-down games. Yeah! Yeah, yeah! All these years I’ve been playing and I’ve never been aware that you get more points for killing children and old fuckers.
This nonsense stems out of a tragedy that went down last Thursday in Brazil. Wellington Menezes de Oliveira “opened up fire at a school in Rio de Janeiro killing 12 pupils and injuring 13 others, aged between 12- and 14-years-old.” Not cool, at all.
Quite obviously.
Unfortunately spinsters vomit up bullshit, seizing any opportunity to massage their own importance glands through hyperbole and sensationalism. Two days later in O Globo, one of the biggest newspapers in Brazil, ran an article which didn’t have time for things like fact checking. It claimed that Oliveira played games like Counterstrike and Grand Theft Auto where “you score more points for killing women, children and old people.”
News to me! Fucking news to me.
Remember kids, no tragedy is ever so saddening you can’t use it to churn up slop, or pen the same old tired media nonsense.
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#2) Creator of the Video Game Cartridge Passes Away.
Jerry Lawson. His name was Jerry Lawson! Lawson was the creator of the video game cartridge, and this week the good sir went and tripped the light fantastic. It never even occurred to my dumb ass that the cartridge was something forged by man. I always fancied it some sort of platonic ideal, derived from the Other Realm, where unicorns and Justice can cavort about together.
No sir, we made it. Well, Lawson and his group of pioneers over at Fairchild Semiconductor. With that cartridge, he no doubt helped craft the childhood of many a million of dorks. Like you and me. Sitting here, in this gaming column, communicating via news born out of an industry of cartridges.
More than just what they housed, the physical cartridge was a staple of my childhood. Good god damn how many times did I go blue in my face blowing in them. Stacking those sons a bitches up. Flipping them to friends at lunch.
The cartridge. Staple of a childhood baked in dorkey, roasted in the fires of nerdiness.
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#3) Sony and Geohot Settle Out of Court.
It’s finally fucking over. Geohot, the dorkiest wanna-be hard ass in the gaming community settled with Sony out of court this week. You may remember Geohot as the dude who outed the PlayStation 3’s root key. Then he wrote an awful rap telling Sony to come and get him. They obliged, sending their lawyers, Death Stars, and various underlings after his ass.
At that point, he may have fled to South America, or gone there for Spring Break. Depending on whose story you believe.
All of that is over now, as the Totally Believing In Something Kid no longer wants to deal with a court battle with An Enormous Corporation State. Go figure! How quickly one’s ideology wilts in the face of a armada of litigation or whatever other more appropriate legal word I should be using.
Well, that’s that.
Anonymous Promises ‘Biggest Attack’ Coming On Sony.
Listen man, just because Geohot sold out and settled out of court with Sony, it don’t mean that Anonymous is done with them. No fucking sir! In fact, they’re promising their biggest attack yet.
Sony and Geohot Settle Out of Court. Sell-Out!
Listen man! When you’re riding high, you’re willing to run the fucking gaunlet! Geohot stunted back when he first released the PS3 rootkey and Sony was pissed off. He wasn’t going to accept anything aside from some apology from Sony. However, Sony has subsequently released the robo-ninjas, Geohot fled to South America, and now he’s singing a different tune.
WEEKEND OPEN BAR: Is Anonymous Righteous, Or Retarded?
[WEEKEND OPEN BAR: The one-stop ramble-about-anything weekend post at OL. Comment on the topic at hand. Tell us how drunk you are. Describe a comic you bought. This is your chance to bring the party.]
Words were launched, attacks salvo’d over the week when Anonymous decided they want to throw down with Sony. By now, you must have your dome piece fiercely ensconced in the sand-pipes to not know the swagger of these dudes. And dudettes? I assume there has to be some females.
Anyways, I’ve always dug on Anonymous. As I’ve written in prior posts, maybe it’s the teenage petulant FUCK THE MAN in me. Read an article and you’ll see the juvenility bleeding through my fingers into poorly edited (like this one is assured to be) ramblings of an over-caffeinated douchebag.
Mea culpa.
