#March2019

Oscar Isaac wants to star in the ‘Metal Gear Solid’ movie and I’ve got a solid snake in my pants I know easy joke

oscar isaac metal gear solid movie

Oscar Isaac as Solid Snake? Sign me the fuck up.

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‘Metal Gear: Ground Zeroes’ coming to PS+ games this month. An exclamation mark in my pants!

ground zeroezzzz

I never fucked with MGS: Prologue to Probably a Length Prologue last year, given the amount it cost and the gameplay received. Still though, like that one glorious latex porn site I never signed up for, restraint was almost bested by intrigue (and horniness). Well now, to continue this metaphor, the proverbial Game as Porn Fetish is coming to the local Game Network as Streaming Porn Hub. This…this went off the rails quick. But none the less. Stoked.

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Kojima on how SOLID SNAKE got his name. Yeahokaykojima.

solid snake and shit

Hideo Kojima is many things. Fan of eye-rolling, bloated philosophical cut scenes. Master of the Metal Gear kingdom. Perpetual tease. But now! Now I say dare friends, he is a liar.

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Game Informer’s March Cover = ‘METAL GEAR SOLID V.’

Snake!

Solid Snake. Naw, that’s not it. Liquid Snake? Don’t think so. What the fuck is Big Boss-Snake called? Phallic Snake? Flaccid Snake? Calling a Metal Gear guru to help me out. While you’re attending to my stupidity, I’ll be basking in the MGS V artwork that is adorning March’s Game Informer.

Hit the jump to join me.

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‘METAL GEAR SOLID 5: THE PHANTOM PAIN’ TRAILER: Makes me want to PUNISH my SNAKE

Punished Snake.

Get it? Because his name is Punished Snake? Oh, blame The Faux Bot. He told me to use it. (I do like it a lot.)

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Cosplay: RULE 63 Solid Snake is sexy bikini top’d espionage.

Yup.

Oh, sexy Solid Snake. I was going to say, “Solid indeed!”, but I pulled up. Right at the last moment.

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Press Start: Sweaty Penis Pizza Party

Welcome to Press Start! It’s a column about my intense self-loathing, eating and masturbatory habits, cleverly disguised as a week in the events of video game culture. Come on in.

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The Dude’s High 5s: Supersoldier Squad

Happy belated Veteran’s day everyone. Its one of my favorite holidays. Even the most liberal of douchebags shut up and let the Military have their day. The armed forces have been great to my family and friends (and freedom) over the years. I’ve often said that I don’t have the right stuff to serve. I’m too much of an independent thinker and I don’t like absolute authority being lorded over me. However, if I did have to serve, this is the squad of folks I’d want around me.
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New “Cloaking Device” Creates Hole In Time And Space. Futurism ++!

Scientists have successfully hidden an object in time and space. Nietzsche is like “Wait, maybe it’s time God is dead!” and I’m like “Aww, yeah!”

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Scientists Getting Closer To The Invisibility Cloak! Lock Yo Showers.

The invisibility cloak is one of those things that probably should never come into being. Unlike that Potter kid, I don’t think we’re going to use it to stomp around a musty-ass old school. No sir. No ma’am. More likely people like Solid Snake are going to use it to sneak into the bedrooms of important people and put a snap into their neck. And then stare at the deceaseds’ wives and husbands as they shower. Unknowingly.

This deadly apparatus for booby-staring and neck-snapping is getting closer. Closer I say.

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