Press Start: British Turkey God Edition

I’ve not slept much this week. I’ve been consumed by thoughts of an imagined reality. I’ve been filling in the gaps, if you will: fleshing-out video game lore with some disturbing possibilities. Imagine the horror of being an animal trapped inside one of Dr. Robotnik’s murderous cybernetic shells: trained upon killing your only potential savior and being powerless to stop yourself. You try to resist, but the mechanical death-suit overpowers you: contorting and forcing your limbs into committing unspeakable acts.

You gaze downwards in horror at your blood-washed metallic hands: feeding tubes sustain your existence and damn you to a perpetual waking nightmare. As you gaze in horror at Sonic’s desecrated entrails, the suit gives you just long enough to truly absorb the horror of it all, then it contorts your limbs once again: wrenching your frail body towards an even darker purpose. Now you know that your family will die at your own hand.

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Press Start: Curiosity killed Obama’s cat

I spend far too much time telling you guys about my eating/masturbation habits in these intros and for that I want to sincerely apologise. No-one should have to endure that. From now on, I’m going to make a concerted effort to talk about video games more often, like I’m supposed to. This week I have been playing Assassin’s Creed 3. It’s so pompous, boring and devoid of purpose that I comfort ate a whole tray of brownies and jerked it into the mirror whilst I cried. True story.

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PETER MOLYNEUX quit his company because of a parody Twitter acount. Future ++

Good news, folks. If a creator you either particularly like or disdain has erred, you can help them. If they have spiraled into a fatal descent of bloated promises, you can help pop their delusional packaging and drag them into reality. All you need to do is create a Twitter account and relentlessly savage them.

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Peter Molyneux Is Leaving ‘Lionhead Studios’ To Start Transdimensional Gaming Company

Ha! Get it? ‘Cause  Molyneux is always making promises and then rescinding them! I’m so (not very) witty.

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FABLE: HEROES Turns RPG Series Into Brawler. Looks 10x Better

No one really gives a fuck about the Fable  franchise besides  Peter Molyneux. Don’t lie. You don’t. You don’t. It’s tepid at best. Filler at its least threatening. However in a week of leaks, Xbox.com has let forth info on  Fable: Heroes  early. First impressions? It’s an arcadey co-op brawler. It looks awesome.

Hit the jump for images.

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Molyneux: Fable III Wasn’t All I Dreamed It Would Be. Me: Are Your Games Ever?

Peter Molyneux is a dreamer. Always over-promising and under-delivering. So when he states that Fable III wasn’t all that he dreamed it would be, my natural response is no shit.

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