[via diversitile, click to enlarge]

These things are super hawt. Like, ohmaigawd. Like I said when I was busy gushing over Nike’s Bioshock kicks, I can’t wear these. Size 15 feet. Freakishly large. It’s up to you chaps to buy a set of these, so I can live vicariously through you.

Welcome to Variant Covers, the joint where every week I glance at a Release List for the comic books coming out and mention anything that catches my eye in the world of Telekinesis, Perpetual Resurrections, and Really Firm Pectorals, Buttocks, and Breasts. Or generally, that’s what I do. But seeing as this is my column, fuck it, I’m going to do whatever I want to. Let not the column dictate my writing, let my writing dictate the column! Or some shit. Word.

Memorial Day and a five-week month have seemingly conspired to draw a really fucking boring week on my ass. I say this full aware that people who are reading this are probably excited for roughly nineteen titles and think I’m a complete dickhead. Whatever. Like I say every week what are you reading? Recommend something to me. I’ll read it, I’ll even probably enjoy it. But on a budget that is stuffed with comics and countless energy drinks, I don’t take many risks on my own. That said, the comic books are coming late this week, and what are coming don’t really catch my attention.

Nonetheless, it always saddens me when shit comes out a day late in the Comicverse. Fucking Memorial Day! I’ll trade a day of eating lobsters and drinking for the ability to snag my funny books on time. Who stops shipments of anything, anyways? This America! Dost Capitalism dare slow down for something as insignificant as recognizing those who have fallen for our right to pound Double Gulps and watch endless repeats of Sportcenter as we bloat and fart? [If you don’t get my sarcasm just close the window. I beg you.

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Cosplay Fever
You know it’s either a slow week or an awesome week when one of the most geeked out things I’m interested in is a compendium of all things cosplay. Cosplay is also amazing in my book. It operates on so many levels of rock, that it takes something calamitous for it to fail me. If the cosplay is awesome, it’s generally a woman or man wearing way too little and giving convention goers a look at some flesh. If the cosplay is terrible, then it works on a car crash sort of way. Either way, it is something to be entertained by.

I’ll never forget the four-hundred pound Jean Grey I saw at last year’s New York Comicon. She was a bulging sea of green and red. As I was sitting in line, it was probably the gravitational pull of her various oceanic waves of cellulite that caught my eye. But I was transfixed. Whatever sort of superfabric she was wearing was screaming for relief. Pulled so tight, it captured every cottage-cheese dimple across her biomass. I thought it was astounding. The lady was tremendous because either a) She didn’t give a fuck about her figure, she was dressing up. I respect that. Or b) she as delusional and thought she had it going on. Like I said, either way, kudos.

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Since I usually spend my time commenting on comic books that are coming out, as opposed to that I’m digging on, I don’t get to highlight titles rocking my ass. Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne is currently deeply embedded in the windings halls of my fanboy heart. Morrison has the Man of Flying Rats tripping through time. It’s fucking odd, which I suppose isn’t anything new from a writer who has thought he’s communed with aliens. Wayne is falling through time, while also posing as a Biorganic Archivist at the end of linear timespace? Or something? Like I said, it’s insane. But it’s also an enjoyable examination of myths and superstitions throughout various timelines, from that of cavemen to the witch trials. Seeing how humanity has a tendency to make the supernatural out of what cannot be easily explained, and how fears play on one’s ability to reason clearly.

It’s super odd, and really, really different from the usual superhero event.

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Matthew Vaughn, the dude behind Kick-Ass, and who was supposed to direct X3: Everything Fucking Falls Apart, is working on X-Men: First Class. Shit is getting fast tracked, and is coming out next year. And now they’ve got some casting. James McAvoy, who I refer to as “The guy from Wanted who made both my girlfriend and me very aroused” or “The dude from Atonement who was gorgeous and made me cry” is going to be Professor X. X-Cellent! LOL.

via slashfilm:

20th Century Fox has officially signed James McAvoy to play a young Professor X in Kick-Ass helmer Matthew Vaughn’s X-Men series prequel/reboot X-Men: First Class. McAvoy is certainly a capable actor who has done the comic book movie thing before with Wanted.

I can dig on it. I really like McAvoy both as a bisexual curiosity of mine, and an actor. He’s a bit of a strapping young lad, and I think I’ll enjoy his rendition of a young Chucky Xavier. It was such a drag watching Professor X and Magneto being played out in the first movies by a couple of feeble assholes. Yeah, I know, Patrick Stewart was like totalllllly Xavier. Whatever. Yawn. And Ian McKellan, dude, I love you. But you’re not Magneto. Magneto is supposed to be fucking physically imposing. Or at least not withered and goofy.

Just saying.

McAvoy as Professor Xavier? I’m down.

If this ain’t Variant Covers, then I’m fucking lost. Welcome to the weekly column where I haphazardly stare at the release list of this week’s comics and pick out the titles I’m sweating. Most of them it’s the usual shit! But who cares. It’s summer time, and the living is easy. Or at least I don’t feel bad for sweating through my shitty t-shirt for once, since I can just blame it on the weather and not my glands and caffeine addiction. After that fourth energy drink of the day I’m literally slathered in crevice juice. Crevice juice.

Secret Avengers #1
As I mentioned last week, we’re entering the Heroic Age. And no Age would be complete without seventeen Avengers titles to back it up, would it? So without having read them all, I’m going to blindly and foolishly tell you this: if you’re only going to read one Avengers title, pick this one up? Ed Brubaker has consistently rocked out on both Dardevil and Captain America through the years. The answer to the trivia question, “Who could bring Bucky back to life and not have it suck” will always be Eddie. And then there’s Daredevil. I can’t remember a more tortured and nuanced dude than Matty, and Brubaker took the reins from Bendis back in the day and it was a seamless transition.

So no, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this title. Coming off of Siege, Steve Rogers ain’t no American captain anymore. Instead he’s dubbed some bullshit like “America’s Top Cop” (he’s Nick Fury), and apparently these are his Avengers that are also a secret. This is your on-ramp to the title, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the same as every other first-issue of a JLA or Avenger’s title these days: just the means through which the team comes together. For better or worse.

Around the Marvel Universe, there’s some other legit stuff dropping you might want to check out. For starters, there’s Fantastic Four #579. And if you read this column even semi-regularly, you’ll find me throwing rope over Hickman’s rendition of Marvel’s first family all the time. Buy this comic book, share it with your friends. Incontrovertible proof that Reed Richards can be more than a douchey guy in the Fox movie. I promise. Then there’s the latest issue of Thunderbolts, which has Luke Cage running the team.   And Juggernaut? What the fuck?

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Speaking of Cain Marko, what the fuck is that guy up to these days? Besides being on the Thunderbolts, apparently. I remember when I was growing up Juggernaut seemed so fucking cool. I mean, he was a guy who could run a lot, and smash stuff with his head. As a kid, this was precisely what I spent most of my time doing. Running into shit, and smashing my head. The idea that it would make me a bad ass, and not make girls laugh at me as my size 15 feet tripped was comforting.

Also, where’s my Juggernaut/Juggalos cross-over? This seems like an untapped brand, right here. What happens when the Juggernaut becomes a Juggalo? It seems like it almost makes too much sense. Let’s get this shit done!

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Sense and Sensibility #1
I’m pretty sure that if this comic book doesn’t feature zombies, no one is going to read it. Sry, yo! No seriously, who in their right fucking mind is going to buy this comic book? Academic geeks like me? Natch. I just spent five months reading British women’s literature from this time period. I have no desire to see this novel drafted panel by panel. Girls? Double natch. They’re all iCarly and shit. They don’t need to walk into the creepy comic store dungeon with their father and pick this up. So uh, who exactly? Completionists? Pedophiles? Maybe.

Is this some sort of reverse cash-in? With Pride and Prejudice and Zombies making everyone go fucking bananas, did they think that maybe slipping out another Jane Austen book in comic form, sans zombies, could drum up some interest? Who knows. I had to listen to the professor from said class drone on and on about how misogynistic P&P&Z despite the fact that a) half the class was female and b) they had dug it. So if anything, I’ve learned something about Sense and Sensibility from this exercise: if it’s not being misogynistic, it’s going to be too boring for people to pick it up.

(Don’t hate on me, I actually enjoy Austen.)

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Yo! Welcome to Variant Covers, where I babble about the comic books coming out every week, and other fanboy opining. This week is all about the motherfuckin’ Heroic Age. Yeah, word. If you haven’t been paying attention, after last week’s culmination of Siege, Marvel is all about hearkening back to the glory days and shit. The entire gang is back together. Thor, Steve Rogers, and Tony Stark have put their shit inside just in time to have a righteous Memorial Day BBQ. There’s going to be mead, robots, and Steve Rogers not being cool with all the low-cut tops that the chicks are wearing. Oh Steve Rogers, you know you like them boobies.

Enter the Heroic Age #1
No new status quo, era, or event is complete these days without some bullshit one-off that kicks off the new beginnings or whatever. Unfortunately for Marvel readers, the Heroic Age doesn’t bring an age where you don’t have to purchase bullshit titles to know that the fuck is going on. The promo for this comic reads “THE HEROIC AGE STARTS HERE”, and I’m all like, yeah, it starts here, but what the fuck else is going on in it? Wait for it: a bunch of like three-page stories by various writers and artists.

The crisis in this comic book? Your wallet getting fucked for $4. Stay away.

If you’re looking for something to kick off your entrance into the Heroic Age, you’re better off checking out Avengers #1. Ever since Bendis snapped apart Avengers back in 2003, there hasn’t been an adjectiveless Avengers title for you to follow. There’s been a shitload of other ones though: Dark Avengers, New Avengers, Mighty Avengers, Young Avengers, Erotic Avengers (featuring She-Hulk), but there hasn’t been the old school title. Shit’s droppin’ this week, and it’s probably your best bet for surveying the new Marvel Universe.

I know I’m being hyperbolic when I pretend there’s like, totally, a huge seismic shift.

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I have to say, now that Siege has ended, and Marvel has completed some enormous, sprawling, seven-year storyline, I have to take a step back and applaud the effort. Listen, I admit I’m a Marvel fanboy. No, I don’t troll forums and write stuff like BATMAN SUXX FUK YOU KID. And for better or worse, I’m terminally gay for Clark Kent. But as a whole, I enjoy the Marvel Universe more. I just do.

So take it with a grain of salt when I state that the entire arc of storylines from Avengers: Disassembled to the Heroic Age is impressive as fuck. For the Universe to ride one narrative for so long, to commit to such a trajectory is quite a feat. Sure, in the end they’ve reverted back to a more simplified universe. No Registration Act, Steve Rogers is back, et cetera. Comic books always return to their status quo. Jean Grey always comes back. But the fact that they took this story through so many twists and turns before finally pulling the trigger and restoring Marvel to Happy Land?

I dig it.

It’s something that DC did similarly with their Brightest Day storyline, and I appreciate their effort as well. However, as I said, I’m a Marvel fanboy. And for whatever mediocrity some of the Marvel events have been through the past couple of years, I’ve preferred them to the DC ones. I mean, Infinite Crisis was decent, but even a Grant Morrison fanboy like myself can’t defend Final Crisis, let alone figure out what the fuck it meant.

Everyone is going happy and shining brightly and being heroic and shit.

I just prefer the Marvel way.

Like I said, I get a boner for mutants.

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[via robot 6]

This is the cover to Amazing Spider-Man #641. I love it. Listen man, I don’t usually like Spider-Man. And I usually don’t care that Mary Jane and him have been estranged ever since that dumb bastard spared Aunt May’s life in the One More Day storyline. But this is just a pretty piece of artwork by Paolo River, which is depicting, I assume, the reunion of Petey and MJ.

Just because I think LOST devolved into transdimensional love dogshit don’t mean I’m not a romantic, yo.

I’ve already spanked it to the concept of Shadowland. And to John Cassaday. Here’s me spanking to John Cassaday doing a promo for the Andy Diggle written Shadowland.

[via all games beta : click to enlarge]

Ah, Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. Where Chris Redfield can zap Bruce Banner’s dumb face with a god damn electrified baton.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Bruce Wayne can look like a complete asshole.]

Batman: Return Of Bruce Wayne #1
Hey kids! Are you totally not fatigued with everyone’s favorite sensation: time traveling? Well, I hope you’re not! Because this week, Grant Morrison is taking Bruce Wayne on some sort of journey across time in an effort to get his ass out of the paleolithic period and back into his Batcave. This week Morrison is rocketing off the first issue of Batman: Return of Bruce Wayne. It’s a six-issue mini-series, and Bruce Wayne is going to jump from time period to time period throughout the series. From the first issue where he totally looks like some shitty 1980’s WWF character to life as a swashbuckling douche, we’ll get to see him in various times.

Man, I’m tired of time travel. Between Captain America: Reborn, LOST, and even last week’s Astonishing Spider-Man/Wolverine I’ve had my fill. But now I have to watch as Batman runs around and gives DDTs to apes and dinosaurs and shit? I don’t know man, I’m not excited. Maybe the mini-series will kick-ass, maybe it won’t. But if there was ever a time when having Batman punch a T-Rex in the nose was a novel idea, we’re far, far from it at this point.

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First Wave #2
Also dropping in the DC Universe this week is First Wave #2, which is the retro re-imagining of the DC Universe. The first issue, which came out a couple of months ago, was pretty dope. Sort of. I can’t really remember it, but I enjoyed seeing the noir take on the universe, and I was eagerly awaiting the second issue. And waiting. and waiting. And now it’s here. Get some! Not to be undone, the second War of the Supermen comes out this week, and hopefully it’s better than the first. The first issue merely reminded me why I hadn’t been reading Superman titles the past couple of years, so egg on my face.

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I can’t be the only person who is burnt out with all the events going on, can I? I’m still trying to catch my breath after Blackest Night, and now we’re getting hit with both War of the Superman and The Return of Bruce Wayne. Sweet Jesus Christ, let me catch my breath! And over in the Marvel Universe, they’re already rolling out news of their next event, Shadowland.

I can’t tell if it is willful forgetting, or if back in the day they actually let a comic book universe go two or three months without having to introduce some sort of catastrophe or mind-warping adventure. Maybe it is just some sort of selective memory. I mean, Onslaught ran into Heroes: Reborn ran into the Heroes: Return, et cetera. Perhaps it’s part and parcel for such an existence.

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Thunder and lightning and god seeks revenge! I have no idea what that means, in relation to this post. But let’s be clear about some things. Despite the fact that I have a swamp in my pants from the gym, outside is absolutely delightful. There’s none of the precipitation out in the trees that I can feel fermenting in the crevices of my thunder thighs. What a wonderful to time exist, no?

You’re just trudging through the woeful winter and all of a sudden you look up from your self-pitying and you catch blue skies and the rustling of leaves. There’s something to be said of the necessary evil of the winter for you to appreciate the spring. But eh, who fucking cares. I’m pretty sure I could enjoy the beautiful weather of say, San Diego, without having to live through snow and hail and cleaning out cars.

I pinky swear.

I’ll just come home for Christmas, that’d be enough to remind me, right?

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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