Weekend Open Bar: Paper Boi, Paper Boi, All About That Paper, Boy

paper boi

It’s the Weekend! It’s the Weekend Open Bar!

Spend time with me this weekend!

I’m hammering out this opening salvo quickly, because, I must confess, I gotta scrub my ass. Birthday dinner is waiting! Stuff guts with Mexican food! Then, tonight, Wrestle Kingdom with Bateman is waiting! Stuff guts with pizza, with sugar, with glory, and with glee. But, friends. Don’t think I’m neglecting you! This very hammering out, this very textual blitzkrieg is evidence I care about you!

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Views From The Space-Ship: The Heart Of A Lion

desktop thursdays the heart of a lion

It’s another belated installment of Desktop Thursdays! Oh, you know the one! The one where I share glimpses into my life! Well, not all of it. Not the crusty underwear (usually), the callouses on my ass-rim (usually), or my destroyed toilet bowl rim (usually). Instead, looks at the family, the literal desktop, the figurative desktop, my animals, et cetera.

Then! As per usual, I ask you to share your own world in the comments section!





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‘Street Fighter 2’ turns 25 years-old today. We old, breh. We old.

Goddamn. Those of us who remember playing Street Fighter 2 in the arcade, are old.  I mean — the game itself 25-futzing-years old? I still remember putting them quarters up on the arcade cabinet to hold the next game. Usually on a Saturday afternoon in some dingy dive bar/shitty family amusement center. My Mom probably putzing around, nice enough to waste her Saturday so her DorkLord kid can blow her hard earned money. Then when it was my turn, I would eagerly, and happily, spamming fireballs with Ryu as an older, more talented dude would whoop my ass. Usually with Dhalsim or some shit. 25-futzing-years old!

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Watch: Pokémon 20th Anniversary Super Bowl Commercial

I’m not going to lie. I never got down with Pokemon back in the day. I wrongly poo-poo’d it as “kiddie nonsense”, apparently twenty years ago. At the time I was listening to Megadeth, jerking off compulsively, and playing “real games!” like Twisted Metal or some shit. Now, obviously I do all that still, swapping out Twisted Metal for Fallout 4. But I’m intrigued by Pokemon these days, seeing its allure and OCD-influenced live-ruining potential, and despite having never played the title, this commercial is all sorts of awesome none the less.

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Let’s Commemorate: ‘Super Mario Bros.’ was released thirty years ago today in Japan


Sweet soggy nipples, I’m aging. Like, I knew that Super Mario Bros. was released a while ago. But thirty years-old? That’s…that’s pretty fucking tremendous. Even more terrifying is the fact that my wife wasn’t even alive when it arrived (she’s four.5 years younger than my ass). Which means — like so many goddamn people were born into world and will live their lives having no goddamn clue about the Touchstone Megaton that was the game’s release.

Let’s celebrate the game with some futzing videos. Feel free to share your own memories, videos, thoughts, whatever.

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‘FINAL FANTASY VI’ came out 20 YEARS AGO Today. My love for Umaro still burns.

Final Fantasy VI.

Final Fantasy VI dropped twenty years ago today in Japan. Dios mio, where did the time go? I love you, FFVI. If anything, I love you more than I had even realized. You see, I recently bought the Final Fantasy X HD remake and realized I despised pretty much everything about the game in retrospect. My fond memories  vaporized in a Hellfire Barrage of terrible voice acting, horrid characters, and tonally confusing moments. Yet, Final Fantasy VI sustains. I replayed through nearly fifteen hours of the game just six months ago, finding myself still taken with the world. The beauty. The sasquatch. Cheers, FFVI. Stay golden.

Kevin Smith hoping to get out ‘CLERKS 3’ for original film’s 20th anniversary. I’m f**king old.

Goddamn! I really hate the fact that Clerks is creeping up on its 20th anniversary. I suppose there will be few more appropriate ways to celebrate my blase and unimpressive existence that Clerks has helped shape so greatly than by catching the epic conclusion to the franchise.

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