Oh me! Oh my! The first Star Wars Rebels character has been revealed, and he’s your Dad’s Uncle’s lazy 13 year-old son’s idea of cool. Soul patch. Ponytail. Ah, ah, ah, I see.

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Fuck yes. The minds behind Left 4 Dead have dropped a panoply of videos today for their next game, Evolve. Okay not really a fucking panoply but kiss my ass, aiight? Within these post’s walls you will have a gameplay video, and a cinematic trailer. They’re both fucking gnarly. Left 4 Dead…evolved! HAHAHA. I hate myself and my puns.

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Combining both of these non-news news reports into one Titanic Machination of Non-News. Why? ‘Cause I cannot wait for 2015. It’s going to have HUGE, HUGE fucking RAMIFICATIONS on my life. No! Not my marriage, you idiots. (Thought that’s happening. 6.6.2015. Write it down, boners.) Instead, two of the biggest movies I’ve ever sweated are dropping.

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Servin’ a life-sentence on Spaceship Earth is a tedious, painful, agonizing wonder.

Why’s that? For one thing, there’s the fact that everyone you love will die. Your best friend. Your kid sister. Your longtime mistress. Your high school math teacher.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Along the way you’re guaranteed to deal with inevitable body-breakdown. Maybe you’ll abuse your body. Maybe somebody else will fuck it up. Even if you think you’re unscathed, the sands of time are wearing away at your flesh-vehicle’s gears. Every single day. Every single moment. Until when, you ask?

Until they’re so smooth that they don’t move shit.

But alas! There’s hope! Even those of us who’re agin’ more like vinegar than wine have a fightin’ chance at experiencin’ glory! Not only are we fortunate enough to have been imbued with consciousnesses, but we get to live in a hyperreal future! Are things royally fucked up? Sure! But we live in times in which anything is possible!

So if you start to feel a chill as an existential shadow lurks over your shoulder, spin around and blast that motherfucker with a science fiction repulsor ray!

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Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! I’m goin’ to show off this week’s strategies for keeping me pleased with existence. I suggest you liven up the party by entering the dance circle that is the comments section.

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Anyone have an opinion on Ben McKenzie? In general? Unfortunately, I don’t. I’m one of those butt heads who helped submarine Southland by never watching it despite great reviews. (I think it had great reviews?) McKenzie has a better chance at ensnaring me in his next role, playing a young Jimmy Gordon in Gotham.

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I find Ice-T fucking hilarious. A genuine gamer, spitter of absurd lines, and married to one of the most serious donkeys in the Local Cluster. He recently recounted the time he got unknowingly roped into recording a D&D audiobook, and the tale is everything I’d expect from the man.

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How do you come up with a Darth Maul headline? Darth Maul…temporarily wipes out all of your Prequel Horror Memories? Too long even by my standards. That’s what I wanted to role with, though. I almost did. Almost. Anyways, the cosplay itself is pretty Gnarls Barkley.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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Oh sure you’re going to tell me this is some amazing discovery of human history. “Human” footprints found on a beach in England. YEAH. OKAY. I’ll be goddamned if this isn’t an  obvious find regarding our alien masters. The ones that culled our existent DNA from the goop of our primordial sea-cells.

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Everybody lick up the forties that you spilled for the Kepler telescope! Lap that alcohol up, ain’t no use wasting it for nothing. You see, that plan for reviving the Kepler took! Took a hold, and revived the son of a bitch.

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Awww yeah, Cap! You take that mask off for me! Hunka hunka burning Patriotism. Seriously though. Thirty-seconds of Winter Soldier action right here. How much new stuff? Prolly pretty much like .0002 seconds. I dun care! It dun matter! Stoked.

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