DC, not comfortable with being utterly forgotten today, has released some new pictures of their MMO, DC Universe. I feel bad for DC. I don’t begrudge them from trying, but I have seen the future of this release. And it staunch mediocrity at best. Maybe it’ll cut out enough of a chunk to exist for a while. Maybe it’ll even be fun. But there’s no way that they’re going to be able to conquer the market. Blizzard continuously pumps out new WoW content to keep us junkies playing. Sure, maybe we’ll dabble in DC Universe. But like any man who leaves his girlfriend for a while for that cute girl who works at Newbury Comics and listens to the Pixies, we’re going to realize the truth: There’s a reason we spent four years with our beautiful WoW. Shit can’t compete.

Oh, and if shit could compete? It’s going to be Star Wars: The Old Republic. The loudest of MMO detractors are salivating over this release. My friend, The Dude, never misses a chance to take a swing at WoW and the stupidity of MMOs. And you know what? He’s pledged that he will be picking up the Old Republic. There’s only so many hours in the day, and when push comes to shove, it’s going to be a Star Wars/WoW world. That shit is just the truth.

[ check the pictures @ kotaku ]

August 31 was the day the entire nerd community was sent into oblivion. You see, today we all found out that Disney has bought Marvel.

In my mind, this is the perfect way to bring Captain America back from the fucking time stream or wherever he is at the moment. He will literally ride Walt Disney’s disembodied head and burst out of some transdimensional portal. Oh, you didn’t know? If you straddle dear old Walt’s head, twisting his left ear forward and his right ear backwards at the same time, a rocket burst ignites and he accelerates at a speed that pierces time and space. It’s coming. Just wait for it.

Here, suck on a press release:

Based on the closing price of Disney stock on Friday, August 28, the transaction value is $50 per Marvel share or approximately $4 billion.

This transaction combines Marvel’s strong global brand and world-renowned library of characters including Iron Man, Spider-Man, X-Men, Captain America, Fantastic Four and Thor with Disney’s creative skills, unparalleled global portfolio of entertainment properties, and a business structure that maximizes the value of creative properties across multiple platforms and territories,” said Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company. “Ike Perlmutter and his team have done an impressive job of nurturing these properties and have created significant value. We are pleased to bring this talent and these great assets to Disney.

Good god damn. For $4 billion, Disney now owns everything Marvel. Everything. Comic Book Resources is covering it. But remember, Marvel has theme parks, they have movies, they have video games. Throw a rock at a nerd venue and you’ll hit someone covering the story. Are we going to see Marvel characters in a video game finger-fucking Goofy in Kingdom Hearts? Just maybe.

Via Destructoid:

In a conference call with investors discussing the detail today, Disney’s senior vice president of investor relations Lowell Singer directly addressed the videogame issue. He mentioned Marvel’s “smart licensing agreements with some of the best videogame manufacturers in the business” before adding that they’re not rulling out “the blend of licensing and self-produced and distributed videogames.”

“As these licensing deals expire we have the luxury of considering what’s best for the company and the products,” he mentioned, referring to the previously mentioned deals with THQ, Activision, and Sega, as well as Gazillion, many of which won’t expire until nearly 2020. If changes are coming, it’s likely we won’t see them for quite some time.

This shit is undoubtedly big news. How do I know? I woke up to a text message from my boy Patrick Mars letting me know. Every single fucking website has covered it. Pepsibones literally met me outside our house today as I was coming home. He asked a simple question:

Have you heard the big news?

And I immediately knew what he meant. I threw the question back at him:

Do you like the big news?

I don’t think either of us knew how to feel. In fact, when I begged him to write this article, he was all, “I don’t know man, I don’t have anything to say until I figure it all out.”

At first blush, I don’t like it. A completely irrational response based on nothing. Okay? I just feel like it’s another level of red tape for the creators to work through.

“Oh hey, can I turn Captain America into a pedophilic monster who is addicted to Hydroxycut? Oh, that wouldn’t work with the cross-promotion they’re doing with the Even Stevens reunion?”

More and more barriers of labyrinthine plans and levels of control. Meh. Don’t dig it.

In a perfect world though, it’d be great. As I’ve already detailed at my big boy job, maybe it’ll prolong Marvel’s ability to produce comic books. Anyone who has spoken to a comic book owner knows that Marvel barely or doesn’t make money off of their comic books. They eat the cost, make up a bit on Trades, and use it as a farm for movies, toys, video games, t-shirts, and Spider-Man dildos. If this allows them the capital to continue eating the losses, I’m fucking sold.

As usual, in a perfect world, it’d be fantastic. In my cynical mind, it’s going to end in tears.

What do you guys think? Leave a comment.

SUPERMANFUCK! Today someone was lovingly corralled from Google to our site via “Supermanfuck!“. What exactly does this mean? Oh, the possibilities! Are they describing the quality of the man fuck? “Oh, I received a super man-fuck last night?”

However, my preferred idea is that this is a sexual position I haven’t heard of yet. Perhaps the Superman Fuck is a position where the lucky party on top, mid-coitus, stretches their arms forward as though they were assuming the classic Superman mid-flight pose. It’s perfect, and can easily be transformed into the Superboy and/or Superwoman fuck. I intend on trying it out asap, I’ll get back to you guys.

This is the first installment of Welcome to the Future. It’s often that I think to myself that the future has arrived, and people don’t appreciate it. We’re waiting for an unattainable horizon, while magic happens around us. It’s a concept that was really slammed into my head by Warren Ellis’ comic book Doktor Sleepless. I’m going to use the category Welcome to the Future to showcase amazing shit that is happening before our eyes without being appreciated.

So it seems obvious where I’d start, huh? Fucking and magical iPod sex devices. To catch you guys up to speed with my demented mind, let me quickly define Teledildonics for you:

Via Wiki:

Teledildonics (also known as “cyberdildonics”) are electronic sex toys that can be controlled by a computer.[1] Promoters of these devices have claimed since the 1980s they are the “next big thing” in cybersex technology.[2] “Teledildonics” can also refer to the integration of telepresence with sex that these toys make possible – the term was coined in 1975 by Ted Nelson[3] in his Computer Lib/Dream Machine

There, now you’re with me. There’s some amazing teledildonics. There’s the RealTouch, which seems fucking amazing. It’s a vagina (or anus, no seriously for rockin’ gay porn or dudes who enjoy anal) that is connected to your computer via your USB port. Then the vagina/anus interacts with special porns that you watch via the RealTouch website. It’s god damn stupendous. I can’t imagine even the biggest prude not being amazed by this.

And then there’s the inspiration behind this column. A couple of nights ago I was rocking some pre-bed porn. And the specific scene I was watching featured the OhMiBod. It’s a vibrator whose vibrations are determined by the music being output by an iPod. So in essence, you plug the OhMiBod into your iPod, while rocking some headphones. And then women or men who enjoy anal play get off to the various vibrations output by their favorite George Clinton or Napalm Death songs. Depending on the sort of music you enjoy, of course.

You plug the headphones into the iPod, the iPod into your OhMiBod, and then the OhMiBod into your orifice of choice. Brilliant.

Welcome to the Future.

I think I’m starting to develop some problems. First, I can’t get god damn Jihl Nabaat from Final Fantasy XIII out of my head. And now here rolls up Poison Ivy from Arkham Asylum. When I went nuts fawning over her a couple of days ago, I had no idea she was going to be involved in some odd alien tentacle fetish shit. Prior to the point where you fight Ivy – which just so happens to be the only boss battle that doesn’t suck in Arkham – tentacles all slither and shit up her glistening body. The tentacles, giant slithering green dicks, then feed her into the ultimate yonic symbol – a rose. Seriously, Freud? Lacan? Anyone? Help?

Now, I know I’m perverted. And I probably take things to be erotic that probably aren’t. As an example, I’m always strangely turned on by the mother oinking like a pig in A Christmas Story. I don’t know, it’s just hot. But I can’t be wrong about this one. There’s no way a hot, buxom woman in a low-cut red shirt and green underwear isn’t intended to titillate nerd balls. And there’s definitely no way that big slithering phalluses coiling their way around her ample busom and buttocks isn’t supposed to get my adult glands working. Or yours for that matter.

I knew that Arkham was supposed to appeal to a lot of gamers, but I didn’t think they were aiming to corner the Tentacle Rape genre. You think you’re getting Batman and all of a sudden you’re getting La Gotham Girl and shit. Weird.

Final Fantasy XIII. I’ve been sweating this shit forever. Let’s put it this way. I had a Final Fantasy XIII desktop back when I was taking Shakespeare II at college. In that class was my future girlfriend. I didn’t begin dating her until a year later. AND we’ve been dating for eighteen months. Do the math. With all the info coming out about FFXIII lately, I’m beginning to worry it may exist. Which in turn gets my hopes up. Fuck. Please, Square. Please!

This video is utterly fucking gorgeous, and FFXIII director Motomu Toriyama breaks down the combat system for all of us fanboys. Caution to those who watch, it may induce a hysterical sense of urgency regarding this game coming out.

Earlier this afternoon I dug through the archives I share with Caffeine Powered, as I was on a mission to find one of my all-time favorite comic books. Thanks to the wonderful organization skills of my brother, it was with minimal effort that I was able to pump my fist and shout “Huzzah!” I held in my hands X-Men #25, the very first comic I remember reading.

Actually, I need to pause for clarification. X-Men #25 was not the first comic book I owned. Looking at it today I realized that the comic was published in October 1993; as a seven year old at that time, I must have already been familiar with paneled pages.

Furthermore, when I first got my hands on X-Men #25 almost sixteen years ago, I didn’t read it. In fact, I’m not sure if I could read at that age. But even if I was literate, I distinctly remember skipping the words in favor of the images (sorry Fabian Nicieza!).

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Pop Quiz!

What’s cooler than a pedophilic, child-sperm swilling Michael Jackson!

A pedophilic, child-sperm swilling ZOMBIE Michael Jackson that commands an army of Black Lanterns! That’s right, Michael Jackson is the head bad guy behind DC’s Blackest Night! I don’t know how I missed this before, I mean, it’s pretty obvious. The guy died so close to the release of Dc’s hit mini-series, it couldn’t have been coincidental, right? I mean, this is cross-marketing genius!

I have to apologize for ruining any potential spoilers. I mean, this isn’t confirmed yet. I’ve just been doing some detective work myself, and well…I mean, come on, it’s obvious. The dude has looked like a zombie for years, anyone who has read anything about him knows he’s pure fucking evil, it’s just so obvious. I mean, I pride myself on my degree in Literature, I should have been able to see the foreshadowing sooner.

But now that I’ve figured it out? Pure genius. Bravo, Dan Didio. I take back all those mean things I said. You win this round.

Would it shock you to the point that you shit your pants to know that Bruce Wayne isn’t going to stay dead forever? It would? Then steal some huggies from your Nana, and get ready to read the rest of this post. YEP, Bruce Wayne is evidently coming back. It was posted over at Bleeding Cool today:

The Search For Bruce Wayne. The Return of Batman. Two series by Grant Morrison kicking off from Summer 2010.

The article also goes on to go on to state that Bleeding Cool doesn’t have the details, and the titles of the comics may have changed:

DC will be bringing their world’s greatest detective in rubber back in a series of series, the details of which are completely unknown (to me, I mean) save for their working titles (which may be old) and that it’s all part of the Big Grant Morrison Batplan for 2010.

So maybe this is all hogshit. I have feeling it isn’t though.

This is a surprise to only that fat kid at the comicon wearing the Highlander t-shirt. He’s going to be absolutely devastated. What I find surprising is that news is leaking of his return so quickly. I figured they’d have to resurrect Wayne’s ass prior to The Dark Knight Returns to Strike Back or whatever the third movie will be called. It would confuse the fuck out of the three people who actually are inspired by the movie to start reading comic books if Wayne was alive in the movies and then some Dick was wearing the cowl in the comics. But this news is what, like three months after the beginning of Dick Grayson’s reign?

As per usual, I’m just going to try and enjoy the ride. The first Batman and Robin arc was tersely written Grant Morrison brilliance. Odd, retro-future artwork, and a storyline featuring a guy named Pyg who dances to, in his words, “sexy hot disco.” All of that is overlaid on top of a storyline I read as a commentary on conformity, viral personality, trend infectiousness, and impossible TV bodies. You probably just saw rockets and toads that talked. That’s cool too. So enjoy your Dick as long as you can, because Mr. Wayne is returning. Sooner than you fucking thought.

MORE SEARCH ENGINE TERMS!

Today shows “Masturbation Cumshots” bringing people into our demented den. However, I’m more impressed   by “Lamictal Cured Me.”

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME! Just kidding. It really does help. If I wasn’t on it, I wouldn’t be typing this. I’d be sleeping for the fifteenth hour, covered in crumbs, blood and depression. After Batman beat my invalid ass.