There’s a moment in the ending to Final Fantasy VII where Cloud hefts Tifa and her enormous bosoms on top of a cliff. They gently bounce up and down and settle for a moment. I was fourteen at the time. Without exaggeration, my cockhead almost exploded. I was in love. Well, apparently I’m not alone:

Via Destructoid:

In Japan, Konami conducted a lifestyle survey of 500 men in their twenties, just releasing the results late last month.   About 40 percent of these men said that they thought in-game love is something worth seeking out. About 20 percent of those polled actually want love with a videogame character.

Alright, actually, these dudes are actually crazier than me. Listen, I have an excuse. In 1997 I was fourteen years old. The hormones rushing through my body had me….thinking the same inappropriate thoughts that I do now about video game females. Shit. Well, yeah, but I’ve never actually thought that it was “something worth seeking out”. Holy shit, what does that even mean? Are these dudes trying to conjure up Sheva from Resident Evil 5 through some sort of mechanism that drags avatars into the real world? You know, like in All Tomorrow’s Parties?

See, and people shit on American television being a bad influence! Japan has all that god damn whacky anime, and Gozilla and tentacle porn! And now these poor warped young dudes then think pursuing love with a fictional character is worth the effort.

Fucking weirdos.

(Call me if you figure it out.)

Normally having a gorgeous girlfriend is a benefit unto itself. However, apparently I’m going to have to guilt her into winning me…uh, I mean, “us” a sweet HD gaming set-up. Peep this shit:

Via Kotaku:

If you think you’re a dead ringer for the witch, you need to submit your pictures by Sept. 30. The best looking of the lot will then be posted on Maxim.com for fans to vote on from Oct. 1 to Oct. 23.

The final winner will be selected by Maxim and game developer Platinum Games, awarding the lucky faux Bayonetta an Xbox 360, a 50 inch Panasonic TC-P50X1 HDTV Plasma TV and an Xbox 360 version of the game.

She already has the cute Bayonetta glasses, and her hair is blonde but that’s why the good lord invented Loreal or whatever that hair-dyeing shit is called.

I’m just kidding of course. She has too much class to do this. Which can mean only one thing. My hairy nerd-ass, smacking of computer chair stink and pudginess in leather.

As Scar says in the Lion King, Be PREPARRRRRED.

I woke up a tweet today that literally had me barfing all over my own crotch. Yes grammar Nazis, literally. Amidst the screams of “Why, God, why have you forsaken me?” and the shrills of my cat, understandably upset at his master, barfing and barfing all over his own bare balls, I read this:

Love it or hate it, there’s no denying that people are watching Warehouse 13. The Syfy series set an all-time ratings high for the network again last week, with 4.4 million people tuning in to see evil Myka.

Who would have thought a simple tweet from Mr. Mars would have sent me on an incredible ball-soaking vomit bonanza.

Sweet Jesus lord, end my fucking life now. You man that Warehouse 13, the generic, Shaws Cola edition of Fringe Files Torchwood-atron beat out every episode of Battlestar Galactica? Ever? Whoops, there I go again. Barfing on my god damn balls.

Are you fools ready to Fuck Crime! next April? I hope so! Because the movie adaptation of the comic book Kick-Ass is spilling into theaters on April 16, 2010. I have to say, I’m one of the few people I know that isn’t totally jizzing over the comic book. It’s yet another Mark Millar riff on SUPERHEROES IN THE REAL WORLD, ala Wanted, Marvel 1985, et cetera, et cetera. And it seems to rely on hyperviolence and shock value. I should probably admit after stating that though, that Mark Millar is one of my favorite comic book writers. And he’s scribed countless stories I’ve adored. Maybe I’m just burnt out on ultraviolence. It’s not his fault. I love you Mark! It’s just that every time I read an issue, I get the feeling there’s the “Are you shocked?! Are you offended? Eh! EH?!”

No, I’m not. I jerk off to scat porn. A little girl saying the word “Cunt” doesn’t blow me away anymore.

That said, I couldn’t help but be amazed by the clips that leaked from San Diego Comic Con this year. They’re pretty god damn faithful. Deep down inside I’m sweating the movie, and I have the funny feeling it’s going to blow my god damn socks off. As well, the fact that the movie was independently funded reeks of awesomeness and I love the fact that they just shot the fucking movie they wanted, and sold it afterwards. I think I may be fawning. Fuck. Shit.

I’m conflicted.

Lay off me, I’m bipolar.

You’re all welcome for the picture. I thought Evan Rachel Wood coming onto True Blood (pictured above) would be awesome. Why? As seen above, she’s absolutely gorgeous. I guess most of the time. She debuted on Sunday, puffy-faced and pimply, spitting awful dialogue from Mr. Alan Ball.

My good friend Mr. Patrick Mars writes a hilarious True Blood Re-Up every week over at Mishka Bloglin. Poor dude was watching True Blood tonight and texting me as he endured it, and he hit me with a sentence that hollered genius. In one blast of hilarity, he captures how I feel about the entire episode:

I wonder if this is how they explain shit in the books. Its like Muppet Babies.

Awesome.

You have to love a sensationalistic headline, don’t you?

Infinity Ward posted some CTF goodness over on their official Youtube. Holy shit is this gameplay footage gorgeous.

I’m just kidding about it the headline, though.   Sort of. My brother worked at a summer camp and told me that some kids played CoD and you know, had years to go before their first nocturnal emission. My therapist’s kid plays it, I think he’s thirteen. EVERYONE plays it. It’s universally loved. Like pizza.

[ story via kotaku ]

Blizzard knows it’s fanbase well. You see, according to the Blizzard COO, they don’t intend on cannibalizing their own WoW install base for their next MMO. No, they intend on us playing both of them.

Via Wired:

“I think the (new MMO) is going to be significantly differentiated enough,” Sams said. “Such that, you’re not going to feel like they’re one and the same resulting in that you have to pick or choose,” he said.

“If the bad thing that happens to us is that they leave WoW and go to this other thing of Blizzard’s, then we’ll work through that pain,” he added.

That’s fucking ludicrous! That’s absurd.

That’s exactly what’ll happen.

Forget practicality. Forget that there’s Star Wars: The Old Republic, forget all the time you’re going to be playing Diablo 3 and Starcraft 2. If you’re like me, you’re going to make this work somehow.

TODAY IS AWESOME. Today my friend Mr. Google has informed me of something amazing. People have found Omega Level searching for “Harley Quinn Cumshot” as well as “Comic Cumshots”. I hope you guys weren’t doubting me when I said that super horndog nerds have the hots for Harley Quinn. And if you did, I have found my redemption. Welcome to Omega Level, my perverted friend. Anyone who searched for Harley Quinn Cumshot will be a friend of the site.

Forever.

Square is “considering” DLC for Final Fantasy XIII. This company continually fucking confuses me. No, like seriously. The company is comfortable spinning their franchises off into cell phone games, toilet paper, action figures, thirteen Final Fantasy VII off-shoot games. They come off like straight-up shameless money whores. It seems so obvious. But then they do things like continue to not remake Final Fantasy VII, and now this. Dudes say they’re like, you know, mulling over the decision:

Via Destructoid:

“We are exploring the option of downloadable content, perhaps adding new areas, items or enemies, but these would not be expansions to the story, only the gameplay,” he explains. “The entire story of FFXIII will be on the disc.”

Guys. Fucking come on. Do you have any idea HOW MUCH MONEY you could make off of DLC? You know that people like me follow your releases with raging boners. You know you’ve sold me fifteen Cloud action figures. How many fucking Final Fantasy VII/VIII/X wallscrolls have I bought? We’ll buy any expansions you release. I’ll pay $5 for a fucking lightsaber for my 360 avatar. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay for a fucking Buster Sword?!?!

It’s amazing how fucking out of touch Square has become. Every company around shills DLC. It’s easy money. It’s been common hat for years now. And of course, here’s Square. Lagging behind. Contemplating shit that should be obvious and without statement at this point.

I can’t even tell you how hard I’d lose my mind for a $5 FFXIII DLC that would unlock a bunch of new side-quests and some new omega weapons. And I know people who hold my same beliefs are legion. Keep mulling it around guys, it’s only the most obvious fucking decision ever.

[ spoilers from 8/30, you’ve been warned. ]

I know that Alan Ball is all whacky and amazing and he’s responsible for Six Feet Under and American Beauty and True Blood. But with that in mind, I’d like to kindly ask him to never write True Blood again. Ball’s sporadic appearances on True Blood raise important issues I have with television shows and comic books. They both routinely feature different writers interpreting the same characters. But let’s stick to one issue here. True Blood.

Here’s the first problem with Alan Ball on True Blood. He doesn’t write it every episode, but he acts like he does. The various writers that contribute to True Blood work to create a cohesive universe. They pay respect to the other writers’ work on developing characters, and script their episodes accordingly. And then Alan Ball comes in and he’s all:

OH HAI GUYZ, I CREATES THIS SHOW, I DO WHAT THE FUKK I WANT.

In his episodes, Ball throws the characters’ behaviors and development out the window for his view of how they act. For example, his Jason Stackhouse is a bumbling redneck retard. To the zillionth degree. His Lafayette is uber hood.

Stackhouse is appealing because he’s the idiot kid who may have some cerebral activity, but it’s consistently stifled before it can brim over the top. He’s always the lovable retard, but Ball plays that up to the point of nausea. Jason’s arc and redemption in the L.O.D.I episodes proved him to be a nuanced dumb ass, not some slapstick retard. I love his stupidity as much as anyone, but I love that underneath it all, he’s redeemable. How stoked were you when he capped Steve Newlin in his dumb Bible-Thumping-Face?

And then there’s Lafayette. Lafayette’s arc on the show was really friggin’ interesting at the begin of the season. Tortured and left for dead in a dungeon, Lafayette’s character had been turned inside out. He had seen the darkness, and we got to see a guy wounded emotionally and physically from that sort of serious shit.

Then Ball steps in.

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