It’s amazing how many people are appauled by Kanye West. Yo, I’m appauled at everyone for watching that fucking infomercial. The MTV Music Awards are like free advertising for all the shitty corporate rock on MTV. Now listen, I’m not saying he’s not a douchebag. And I’m not saying I don’t like shitty corporate music. He is, and I do. But seriously, what the fuck is the problem here?

It’s like he stormed a fucking Slap Chop commercial. Taylor Swift, some bubbly product in neat packaging will survive. She can wipe her tears with all the hundreds of thousands of dollars she has, while she gets double-penetrated by her boyfriend and her music award. Mmmm…Double Penetration.

Calm the fuck down. Who the fuck cares. I can’t believe that this is on CNN, and that like everyone’s status updates on Facebook/Twitter/MySpace/Your Mom’s boobs are ranting about this. It’s not like he’s fucking Joe Wilson interrupting a speech, or a dude crashing on stage during the Miley Cyrus concert and finger-fucking her to climax. This was a dumb corporate piece of shit advertisement.

IT’S THE FUCKING MTV MUSIC AWARDS.

I’m more offended by Kanye’s haircut. What the fuck was going on! He’s got the fucking forest maze of Kokiri from Ocarina of Time carved into his god damn skull.

Bruce Campbell is fucking awesome. It’s a scientific fact. If you don’t like Bruce Campbell, I’d fancy beating your head in with a can of Spaghettio’s. And then I’d drag your useless corpse to your parents, and say, “You made this refuse, please recycle.” So when I hear that Bruce Campbell is going to have a ‘larger’ role in Spider-Man 4 I get sort of excited:

Via /Film

According to the info garnered by Access Hollywood, Campbell is expecting his role in the next film to be “a major part.” Of course, they translated this in their headline to there being a “villainous role in the works” for the actor, despite the absolute lack of evidence to support this supposition.

I don’t think anyone with a functioning frontal lobe (which sadly isn’t as many people as I’d like) can defend the asshole vomit that is Spider-Man 3. It was terrible. And the sequence in which Peter Parker dances in a jazz club was straight out of…I don’t know. I don’t even have a funny remark.

As bad as it was though, Sam Raimi is fucking rad. Everyone and their dog knows that Raimi had Venom shoved down his god damn throat, and he didn’t really dig the guy, et cetera. So let’s float the guy a mulligan, why not? Drag Me To Hell was the sleeper movie of the summer, and I enjoyed the crap out of the first two Spidey movies. Maybe if they let him rock out with his cock out like he wants to, and they don’t jam their conceived notion of what the film should be, it’ll be sweet.

Now they just need to find a way to make Peter Parker not look like a wimpy douchebag who needs to get over his Uncle’s death. And recast Kirsten Dunst. Who has the worst teeth this side of Anna Paquin.

Let’s get er done!

What follows is a true formless rant. And spoilers everywhere.

Ah True Blood. Fuckyou.com What a shitty second season you delivered me. No, you weren’t completely awful. You had your moments. The Stackhouse at the crazy religious camp storyline was cool. Godric was bad ass. But then you killed him, two episodes into his career. And Eric was cool. For a bit.

But now he’s just another boring ass love story. Last night’s season finale managed to capture in one hour what the entire season was. A half-hour of storyline, a half-hour of filler.

Let’s think about this for a second. The Maryann storyline was like fifteen episodes long. It should have been like three, but they dragged it out mercilessly. And then, for some reason which I cannot fathom, they ended it in fourteen minutes. What followed was a shitty promotional video for season three. I knew that I had lost faith in True Blood when, last night, the entire cast was playing the ukulele while awaiting the birth of some God or some shit.

And then Maryann is killed by Sam, because she’s tricked into believing a God has come. I GET IT RELIGIOUS COMMENTARY. EVEN GODS CAN BE FORCED TO BELIEVE SOMETHING IF THEY WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.

How do you take Eric and make him suck? Easy, you embroil him in a boring ass love story. Eric was the Boba Fett of True Blood. He was cool because he kicked ass, didn’t say much, and received just enough screen time for him to seem ominous and righteous and cool and shit. But in the span of three or four episodes, you have him giggling and smiling and weeping as Godric dies like a little punk idiot. THEN, you have him naked in dream sequences with Sookie? You have to be out of your God damn mind. What a pile of bullshit.

This show is like the Office with vampires. Will Sookie choose Eric? Or will she choose Bill? OMFG.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

Keep Reading »

I don’t think that anything makes me feel more old than my perpetually widening disconnect from pop culture. I’m like eight months away from doing the jitterbug and talking about how I remember when The Great Gatsby was released.

Evidently the VMAS were last night. I wouldn’t have known any better if it weren’t for the fact that Kanye West went and acted the fool again. Who could have suspected that? People were all OMFG, that’s so disrespectful to Taylor Swift. And I was like, “What’s a Taylor Swift?” Another Disney machination? A new American Idol abortion? Apparently she emerged from somewhere, another Happy Meal for public gorging.

But people were blown away by this corporate-package on corporate-package hate, and I wasn’t even aware who one of the parties were. I’m floating further and further into the real of the Out of Touch. It’s a frightening feeling, since all you do during your teenage years is say to yourself, I’M NOT GOING TO BE MY FATHER.

Yesterday I was walking around the mall, gazing at the storefronts. You know the shitty mannequins schilling the specific store’s slop. Pimping the wares.

Walking past Hot Topic, I was shocked. It wasn’t the shitty t-shirts and caps that blew off my skull cap. It was the fact that these pieces of crap belonged to the Insane Clown Posse.

The fucking Juggalos still live? I had no god damn idea. I thought that all the Faygo-pounding toolsheds had been put out to pasture. Just what the fuck was going on?! Had I slipped into some alternate dimension? All my friends who used to wear JNCO jeans and sport Jugga-faces have long since disavowed their face-paintery.

What the fuck! What the fuck am I missing?

I am destined to be another nerdy dad. I can see my kid now:

Keep Reading »

I hadn’t been covering Search Engine Terms lately, because there wasn’t anything new and truly extraordinary. Plus, I realized that if I want you, my friends, to be able to read my crap at work, I should probably stop posting links like “BRUCE WAYNE’S JISM NIPPLES” on Facebook. So I’ll take that into consideration. But this one is truly head-scratching:

Orifice Abuse Horizon Tentacles. Hm. I definitely know what orifice abuse is, but horizon tentacles? Huh? I got confused. Then I hit Google up, and apparently, there’s a hentai called Orifice Abuse – Horizon of Tentacles. Amazing.

And don’t think you were getting off the hook, Mr. or Mrs. World of Warcraft cumshots! What exactly where you searching for? Arthas climaxing onto Yogg-Saron? I’m sorry to disappoint. But welcome to the my adobe, I’ll treat you well.

With so many releases on the horizon, it’s easy to lose track of some real gems. Next Tuesday’ll see me blasting new Every Time I Die, Kid Cudi, Thrice, the Protest the Hero DVD and maybe, just maybe, new Megadeth (probably not). Yes, there’s a lot on my plate.

But not so much that I should have lost sight of The Great Misdirect, Between the Buried and Me’s fifth studio album. Come October 27^th we’ll finally have the follow-up to Colors, the 2007 effort that I believe to be one of the most important rock albums of the last ten years. I’m not going to ramble about why Colors is amazing — just sit down and listen (from start to finish) for yourself. If you’re not blown away on some level, I’m not sure you know what music is all about.

Other than a few studio updates and a teaser track on Myspace, BTBAM seem to be keeping The Great Misdirect under lock and key. But it was brought to my attention that a couple of new tracks were premiered live; of course, it only follows suit that some fan captured them (on what seems to be an iPhone) and uploaded them to YouTube.

The quality isn’t great, but it’s good enough. The new material presented is equal parts aggression, melody, musical showcase, straight-ahead groove and mind-bending brutality. Check out the video after the jump.

Keep Reading »

Another day, another freakin’ FFXIII video. What the hell is going on. We went years without this game even being mentioned, and now it’s everywhere! I can’t handle it. It gets me too excited. I watch the videos and then I’m all, OMFG YES, IT’S REAL, IT’S COMING, IT’S COMING…And then I just sort of sit there. Waiting. And waiting.

And don’t give me, “You’ve waited so long, you can make it.” I’ve waited for god damn ever! That’s why it’s so painful! Anyways, join me in beautiful misery. Check out the video after the jump.

Keep Reading »

I think the Wii is a piece of under-powered shit. I think it’s a glorified peripheral. The Wiimote hasn’t revolutionized anything, and is just a gimmick. Fuck you Nintendo. You make old-ladies cream with your amazing Wii Suffer Menopause, where you shake the control vigorously to beat the cold shakes. So when I heard that your sales are dropping:

Via Destructoid

The world is spinning out of control, people. In a recent talk with IndustryGamer, analyst Michael Pachter has said just as much, revealing that the Wii’s sales are down 50 percent year-to-year over the last five months and he expects them to continue dropping if Nintendo doesn’t start selling a new bundle or cutting the price of their system as its two competitors have done.

I DANCE A DANCE OF VICTORY! Seriously though, I’m not surprised. Every one in the god damn universe owns a Wii. Sales were bound to drop eventually. But I’m just going to focus on the potential brightside, of a world where everyone is playing a PS3 and a 360, and Nanas are doing what they’re good for: cooking pies and dying.

Like any nerd with a sense of purpose, I’m awaiting the finale season of LOST with an unhealthy rabidity. I’ll be clear, I absolutely loved season 5. And season 4. And most of season 3. And I’ve been amazed at how well Lindelof et all have been tying together the various strands from all the seasons past. Especially since you couldn’t convince me at knife point to agree that they had it all planned since the beginning. That said, this doesn’t surprise me whatsoever:

Via /Film

While speaking at a Seattle music and arts festival, Lost exec-producers Carlton Cuse, Eddy Kitsis, and Adam Horowitz dropped several morsels of goodness for fans. First off, they reiterated that we shouldn’t expect every single mystery to be solved come the series finale at the end of season six.

And I’m fine with that. It all depends on how they let you draw your own conclusions, and what they do tell. I really want to know what the fuck the Island is. Who doesn’t? But they don’t need to heavy-handily explain why there were polar bears running around and crap. We can draw our own conclusions on stuff like that. So I guess I’m torn. I want to know what Smokey/Facob/the Island is, but I’m also content with being able to string together other plotlines myself.

Where do you guys stand?

Ah, Saturdays. Slow days for Omega Level. Thankfully, I have a crew of intrepid spies who work for me overtime. And I was surprised today when I came across an e-mail in my in-box. The title was “Chris Brown’s New Song Confirms He IS A Flesh-Eating Zombie.” Weird, right? And then I heard it, and well…it’s disturbing. Let’s just put it that way. Confused, I sent off an e-mail to Brown’s PR Manager. Yeah, I got the mad connections. I received an e-mail explaining the suspicious new song:

You see, we realize that a lot of sensitive people may be upset about the fact that Chris Brown is a piece of filth. And in order to combat the knowledge that he is a woman-beating, flesh-eating monster, we could only do one thing. Try and make eating people cool.

Well, that explains it. I’m not at liberty to leak the actual .mp3, but I can tell you the title: Lemme Bite Chu. That’s right, Lemme Bite Chu. And I could get in a lot of trouble, but I’m even going to give you the chorus to the song:

Keep Reading »