God damn, they weren’t kidding. The first thirty minutes of God of War III are fucking insane. I can’t describe the scope of what’s going on. You’re running around on motherfucking Gaia, throwing down with Poseidon. Blood and thunder! Whipping around climbing Gaia, fighting the Lord of the Seas. It’s not so much the graphics, though they’re pretty spectacular. It’s the amount of shit going down on the screen. Epic clash? Hells to the yeah, fools.

The climax of the opening sequence is fucking absurd, yo. Kratos rips Posey out of the guts of some water manifestation of his might, and really just lays down an ass-whupping fit for the God of War. Props to whoever came up with the idea to convey the ass-kicking from the perspective of Poseidon. There’s a point at the end where you’re viewing Kratos through the eyes of Poseidon gouging his eyes out. As Kratos’ thumbs close-in on the dude, you can’t help but feel it some extent. It’s such a visceral idea, that I have to tip my cap to the boys at Santa Monica.

It seems as though this shit is legit. I have a suspicion that this game like all the other God of War titles prior, as well as the Uncharted games, is going to rip its hugest load far before the end of the game. How do you open a game up with such pomp and circumstance, without having a let down by the finale? I’m not sure it is possible.

So far though? Kratos is fucking deities’ eye-sockets with his fingers, to their doom.

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I’m certain that there are simply tons of movies to rent with penises. This is supposing that you’re looking to rent a movie featuring dongs. They’re called pornographic films. There’s a few of them out there. Or, are you looking for a film that you and a penis could enjoy? Do you have a date with a penis, and you’re wondering what sort of movie the two of you may enjoy? They’re also called pornographic films. Good luck, I think you may be able to find one.

Kratos is coming, and he’s fucking pissed. Still. He tried therapy once, but ended up just gouging the dude’s eye out and stamping it into mush. Wait, I think that was actually the thirteen-thousand cyclops he has run through in his travels. Either way.

I rocked out to the God of War III demo back in November and threw it aside with a resounding MEH! The graphics weren’t the second coming I was promised, and the gameplay was the same button-mashing, air-juggling bullshit that I had romped through in the first two games. Mind you, these were games I had enjoyed, but had already gotten my fill of.

Now though?

Now I’m fucking amplified, bro! How can I have a change of heart? Well, there’s a few reasons.

On a superficial level, apparently I wasn’t alone in thinking the graphics were less than mind-fucking in the demo. And better yet these emo complaints were addressed. For the actual game looks far more pimpin’ than the demo. There’s all sorts of complicated terms like Light Density Shadowing and Renderistic Manipulation of Polygonal Testicles and shit going on to explain why they look nicer. I don’t really care why, I’m just happy they do. I’m a superficial douchebag, okay? I got my HDTV, I got my 5.1 system, and I want a bass line so fiercely cranked through my subwoofer I void my bowls into my underpants willingly.

And secondly, let’s be honest. The God of War franchise has never been fantastic because of its base gameplay. The running around and smashing useless enemies thing never blew your pants off. Instead, what got your juices flowing all over your inner thighs were the action sequences. Whether it was fucking up the Hydra in the original game, or uh, doing something in the sequel, the games’ awesomeness were derived from the set pieces. The gameplay inbetween these sequences really don’t serve any purpose for me other than to guide me from one epic confrontation to the next.

Ain’t none of that found in the demo. Ain’t none. So while I was initially disappointed, I did some soul searching. And I came to the conclusion that while I found the regular gameplay highly repetitious, I always had. Realizing this in my heart of hearts, I came to the conclusion that there would certainly be the sort of sequences in the game that had blown me away in the previous two. I had to chill out, man. I had to relax.

This has all been confirmed by people who have gotten to play the game already. What a bag of dicks, those lucky ones. The general consensus is that the game is insane, and the first level will force-fuck your awesome gland until it’s flinging fluids everywhere. All the reviews gleam, I already informed FFXIII we were going to take a quick break, and I’m ready to rock at midnight.

Caught this promo picture. I’m totally sold on Playstation Move now. Why? Well, it’s simple! We have these two rejects from an Old Navy ad. And they’re swinging around Super-Future-Dildos, accompanied by that awesome effect Fox used for a while on hockey games. I want dildos with pink motion blur, god dammit!

I’ve never been a big fan of Spring. I don’t know why. While everyone is rejoicing at the return of blue skies and fresh air, I’m miserable. I think it has to do with several things. Firstly, the moment life returns to the plains of despair that are New England winters, my sinuses fill with enough muck to cement a wall with. And secondly, I find the air to be harsh at night, and cold in the morning. It’s a cock-tease. It’s like halfway decent out there. At least with the winter, you know what you’re getting: misery.

During the Spring, I don’t know what the fuck to wear, I don’t know what it’s going to be like out. Either I’m freezing, or I’m wearing too much and I’m sweating through my fucking clothing again. Pit stains need to come into fashion, or I’m going to live a very unfashionable life. It doesn’t seem that implausible, I mean, these days assholes are shelling out legitimate amounts of cash for pants that look like a painter fucked his co-worker in the middle of a job, and then got into a knife fight. Maybe some day there will be pseudo-pit stains, already burned into the shirts you buy.

A man can dream.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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If there is a better example of sublimity and divinity in this world than the female form, I haven’t seen it yet. And so while I generally masquerade as a pig, and to an extent I am, I generally regard women as the superior and more beautiful sex. These pictures of Gemma Arterton from the British GQ serve as corroboration for my argument. I think it is possible to behold and appreciate a person’s physical beauty without absolute objectification, or at least in the more negative connotation. As Althusser will let you know, we constantly objectify everything around us, including ourselves. So there!

I already thought it was creepy how hyper-sexualized Vanille is in Final Fantasy XIII. Then tonight, I noticed something. Every time Vanille casts a spell, she sounds like a Japanese porn actress. Like, no, really. I’m not making that up. And worst of all? I don’t really enjoy it. I find it unsettling.

This has to do with the fact that Japanese porn actresses always sound like eleven year-old girls getting fucked by their gym teacher in porn scenes. High-pitched, slightly resigned yelps. It’s freaking me the fuck out. It’s enough to get me to not enjoy Japanese porn, which is a feat considering I’m a fucking pervert. And it’s also enough to make me really uncomfortable playing as her in Final Fantasy XIII. Every time I cast Fira, it sounds like a fucking girl is getting molested.

[source]

OMFGEjaculate.

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Ah, someone suffering from the same plight as me. It seems that everyone who has played through Mass Effect 2 has arrived at the same conclusion: Yeoman Kelly is absolutely gorgeous, cute, not real but that’s okay, intelligent, and I need to bang her.

Well, everything that is worth attaining must be earned. And Yeoman Kelly’s moist goodness is just the same. Stick with it good friend, you’ll pull it off yet. Not that I have, I need to play through the title one more time. Chick hasn’t even made it out of my playthroughs alive yet.

And worst comes to worst, you can settle for sleeping with Jacob. I did.