[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Mark Millar continues to redefine absurdly awesome ultra-violence.]

Nemesis #1

Ohhhhh, fuck to the yes. Nemesis is dropping the week. Finally. Mark Millar’s latest license to print money is hitting the shelves and I’m already hyper-ventilating like the fanboy pig that I am. I’ve been waiting for this son of a bitch since it was announced, and now that it’s upon me, I’m geeking out. Let me tell you something. If my boy down at the comic shop forgets to pull me a copy of this I’m going to freak the fuck out. In something of a Hulkian rage, I may or may not flip several shelves and eat as many action figures I can before I asphyxiate and die. Just saying.

The premise is so fucking simple and obvious, even Mark Millar has admitted it’s borderline ridiculous to actually pull off as a title. Millar poses the question, what if a Batman analog was a bad guy? What if a billionaire playboy with all the sweet-ass kung fu moves and guns he could acquire, set out to kill the equivalent of Commissioner Gordon? Either you’re totally fucking stoked about this…or you’re a pretentious windbag. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I still fart towards you.

It’s a little bit of deconstruction this side of the sort of shit that Warren Ellis did with his Batman and Superman derivatives in The Authority, or his work in pretty much deconstructing every superhero archetype in The Planetary. But I think this will be a little more on the visceral, and a little less on the cerebral side. So instead of working out the essence of characters, I assume he’s just going to have lots of bludgeoning and ultra-violence. Absolutely fucking fine by me. I just spent an entire week examining freudian interpretations of Mary Shelley’s Mathilda for class. I’m ready for phallic objects blasting people into mush. Wait, that sounds freudian too. Fuck.

Millar already knows this is going to be a hit. Dude’s already planning a movie. Between Kick-Ass and this, I imagine soon he’ll be bathing in hundred-dollar bills and the alcoholic beverage of his choice. I’m there, dude.

Captain America #604

There’s like nineteen Captain Americas running around right now. There’s Steve Rogers back from the timestream, there’s Bucky back from being a Russian spy, and then there’s William Burnside, a schizophrenic raised to believe he’s Captain America. That’s roughly one for every Avengers title that Marvel is launching after the culmination of Siege. Rimshot, groans from the audience. But no, seriously. What the fuck is going on.

Brubaker continually brings the awesome. And that’s the reason a storyline about Bucky hunting down the aforementioned William Burnside in some yokel town works so damn well. Our boy Burnside, posing as Captain America, is leading a paramilitary group determined to “reclaim” America. A couple of issues ago Brubaker and company got into a bruhaha when someone penciled in some salacious shit onto a sign that was in a scene depicting a Tea Party protest. Being a hippy and a liberal, I wasn’t offended. But Fox News damn near shit their pants so hard, they didn’t just soil his pants, they soiled yours.

I’m digging on the storyline though. If Captain America is a representation of the ideals of our country, where better to examine the clash between the various factions and their competing narratives for what this country is and should stand for? I’ve always had a vague fear that Captain America, while standing for the right things, has actually been an instrument for you know, the dirty fascists that run this corporate empire. Oh shit, I’m kidding about that, okay? For the most part. Captain America as a fascist mouthpiece? It could be worse, he could be portrayed by Chris Evans in the movie. Wait. Fuck.

So hop into this shit this week, and join the examination. It’s got ideological battles, the Falcon, and some really boss action. Yeah, I said boss.

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Yo, forget receiving the offer, Chris Evans is officially Captain America. I came across the news today over at Slashfilm.

Via Slashfilm:

The casting search for Steve Rogers aka the title role in The First Avenger: Captain America has finally come to the end. Marvel Studios and director Joe Johnston have hired Chris Evans for the role.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it. Since Saturday, I’ve come around on Evans. As countless dudes pointed out; including Pepsibones amongst others; Evans can act. Dude has chops in Sunshine, okay, agreed. Leave me alone about it. Don’t read this post and go WATCH SUNSHINE,

On the other hand, the dude just doesn’t…come across as Captain America? He’s more playboy than wholesome. He’s more sexy than commanding. Who knows. I could be completely, and I hope I am, wrong. I just can’t picture the dude playing an authoritative role.

Steve Rogers is capable of leading brosephs into battle against the Red Skull and Nazis. He’s supposed to give them hope and faith. At best, Chris Evans gives me a broner.

We’ll see.

I’m a total loser, and the reason that DLC pricing is broken. You see, if it’s something I’m obsessed with, I’ll pay anything for it.

Via IGN / Pointed Out to me through my friend Chris.

BioWare has revealed the price of the Stolen Memory downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 2. Whether your a Cerberus Network member or not, fans will have to pony up 560 Microsoft points on Xbox LIVE, or 560 BioWare points ($7) for PC.

First revealed earlier this month during the Game Developers Conference, the Stolen Memory pack contains an all-new playable character, Kasumi Goto, a master thief. New missions will also be available. BioWare says you’ll be able to access the content at any point in the game and will take about an hour and a half to complete.

Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content is a bit much, but I don’t care. Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content and a new character seems a little better, but I still don’t care. Hit it, Kool-Aid Man!

It seems that everyone knows my insane, unquenchable dicklust for Richard Alpert. Make no allusions when I state I’m madly in love with him. I know people are aware of this, because I’ve had several friends ask me

DUDE, ARE YOU STOKED FOR RICHARD TOMORROW?

To which I respond, fuck to the yeah.

Tomorrow night is an episode dedicated to Dicky “The Fucking Immortal” Alpert. We’re not worthy, but let us enjoy it anyways.

Let me tell you something, I ain’t no spring chicken anymore. I spent Saturday evening at Foxwoods casino, and Sunday morning sleeping on a hotel floor for three and a half shitty hours. By the end of the day I was in such an stupendous state of exhaustion I think I was drooling on myself staring at my monitor. While I don’t imagine I ever would have felt one-hundred percent after such an adventure, I can’t help imagine I used to be more resilient after such an evening.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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Came across this over at Slashfilm. What a gorgeous construction. While I’ve always been interested and entertained by steampunk, I’ve always been more of a cyberpunk sort of guy. This shit is gorgeous though, and for a good cause.

Via Slashfilm:

The helmet was created for the TK Project, a charity event the 501st Stormtooper Legion is holding for the Make A Wish Foundation.

Most righteous.

Here’s the thing about God of War III. As redundant as the generic gameplay can be sometimes, it always beats pushing around fucking blocks. I don’t know why they’re shoehorned into the game, but I fucking hate solving puzzles while I’m the god damn God of War. Most of the time my thought process is: I’m the fucking God of War, can’t I just punch through this door? Can’t I just fly up to the top of the ceiling? What the fuck is this bullshit?

Now don’t get me wrong, I like puzzles in games. Most of the time. But they feel so ill-fitting within the confines of our little Kratos experience. Not only do I find it implausible that Kratos wouldn’t just punch through someone’s skull as soon as push around and align crates, but they kill the pacing of the game.

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If my hands weren’t tied by the unalterable fetters of the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forebears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice, and have you BURNED AT THE STAKE!