Welcome to Press Start! It’s the column that brings you the top five things that caught my eye in gaming every week. This week? This week I’m fucking tired. I’m sorry if everything seems rushed, incoherent, illogical, or poorly written this week. Why does that seem that way? Because it is! Excelsior and shit!

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#1: Apple Tried To Buy Bungie; But Microsoft Ganked Them
Some of the most intriguing news that came out this week was that Bungie originally asked Apple if they were interested in buying them. Bungie, without the monster hit Halo underneath its belt, was financially shitty. They needed someone to take them home at night to a safe place. Lay with them under the sheets, and care for them, if you get my meaning. You don’t? Shit. I was making some weird allusion to one company fucking another somehow.

Anyways.

Apple turned them down initially, only to reconsider. When they went to inform Bungie that they would, in fact, take them home and bed then, Bungie was all: fuck you guys, we found ourselves a new suitor. Oh shit! The double dick-slap? It was Microsoft. Boom! It is written in the deep sea scrolls of Apple that upon hearing this, Steve Jobs went insane. Slaughtered his entire family, and had to have them cloned and vat-grown to replace them. No seriously, he was pissed.

It’s a fascinating bit of corporate uppercutting that’s fun to think about. Consider that Halo pretty much salvaged the original Xbox, and has been the teat that Microsoft has continually milked the last nine years. But what if Billy Gates and his pack of warriors never got a hold of Halo? What would that have meant for Microsoft? For the Xbox? Or how about if it would have reshaped the gaming landscape in favor of the Mac’s favor?

Bananas shit right here.

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#2: At Blizzcon, Awesome Beefy Kid Owns The Creators On Their Own Lore
It’s long since been known that us dorks, generally, actually have a better grasp on the lore of particular universes than the people who write it. This is obviously a general statement, but I believe in it. Why? ‘Cause shit like the World of Warcraft universe is being written by tons of people, overlapping and stretching into infinity. They don’t have time to know the stories that others are contributing to the same universe as they, or maybe they do, and they don’t give a shit. I know I wouldn’t.

That’s where this awesome kid comes in. Let’s call him Maxwell. At Blizzcon last weekend, Maxwell stepped up and shredded the continuity of World of Warcraft in front of two dudes who I can only presume are lead writers of either the game or the novels. I could research it, but I’m lazy. What’s important is this: Maxwell, in all his svelte and gorgeous glory, picks apart inconsistencies in a world these two dudes are in some part responsible for crafting.

It’s awesome.

It doesn’t help that Maxwell is beyond awkward, and in that way, glorious. I want to get Maxwell drunk, and blow mouth farts on his rotund, surely hairless belly. I want to get totally hammered with him at Hooters, eating an insane amount of boneless buffalo wings and making him drink his first beer. Then after a sweet night, we’ll be chatting in the parking lot. He’ll be telling me how its ludicrous that Warcraft Character X did Continuity Breaking Action Y, when I’ll slap his nutsac. He’ll puke all over his shoes, we’ll both laugh, and then I’ll drive him home.

I think I’m in love.

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#3: Keiji Inafune, Father of Megaman, Leaves Capcom
Keiji Inafune is a god damn legend. And today he announced that he was leaving Capcom. Even if you don’t know the dude by his name, if you’re a decent gamer whose life is worth something, you’ve experienced some of his work. Not only is he considered the father of Megaman, but he’s also the creator of Onimusha, and the shit hot Dead Rising. After twenty-three years with Capcom, he announced that he is parting ways with them at the end of the month. And according to my math, that means he’s gone really, really soon.

Bummer.

Dude was essential to Capcom, and more than that, hearkened back to a day when I used to fap vigorously to Japanese developers. Capcom’s experienced a serious talent drain the last few years. With the loss of Kamiya, Mikami, and now Inafune, they’ve parted ways with the minds behind Resident Evil, Megaman, Okami, and not to mention other games. I don’t know about you, fellow gamers, but my enthusiasm for gaming has been channeled into much different directions than that of Capcom, Konami, and Squaresoft like it used to be.

Fare thee well dude, may you find a new comfy home soon enough.

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[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]

I’m going to tell you a scary story.

When I was a little kid, there was a professional wrestling company called the WWF. Don’t look for them – they don’t exist anymore. This company had absolutely perfected the slop-culture art of pro-wrestling, creating a product that was as enthralling as even the finest piece of art. The good guys were the best. The bad guys were pure evil. And even the maniacs captivated. If you were an apostle of the WWF, it was a beautiful time to be alive.

But lurking about the dark underbelly of staged athletics was a different creature altogether. Relegated to filthy corners of sports entertainment, this abomination took umbrage at its second-class status. This being didn’t smile and shake hands. It didn’t kiss babies on the forehead and say “God bless.” And it sure as hell set any precedents.

This ghoul was called the WCW. And it was the malevolent doppleganger of the WWF.

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[Source: Brock Davis via Gamefreaks]

These Captain America scans from the latest Entertainment Weekly came out today as I was literally walking out the door to school. A quick check of my Twitter feed saw their appearance, but I was forced to be all responsible and go to school and such. Fucking shit. Now that they’ve been around for eight hours, they’re roughly nine-zillion years old in internet time, and you’ve seen them a million times.

Sry, sry, yo! But if you haven’t seen them, hit the jump.

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[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Superman: Earth One isn’t my favorite comics release of the week. Nor is it my least favorite. What the book is successful in doing is piquing my interest, making me wonder about the greater implications of retelling classic comics stories through a series of original graphic novels. Even upon the first read, I truly think that Superman: Earth One may have the power to change the comics industry – either by introducing new readers the beauty of the medium or reaffirming Hollywood’s belief that comics are merely storyboards for movies.

Take a breath. Take a sip of Diet Shasta Orange. Take a seat upon my weekly comics-rambling.

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[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]

Edgar Allan Poe – writer extraordinaire or drug-addled lunatic?

Both.

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Back in the day, before Bungie had made Master Chief fanboy douchebags out of all of us, they were a bit strapped for cash. Looking for a sugar daddy to support them, former project lead Tuncer Deniz decided to hit up Daddy Stevey Jobs for some cash flow. Too busy trying to figure out ways to exploit all of us with over-priced, sexy, shiny objects (I’m a sucker for it), Jobs decided to demur and pass on the then fledgling studio.

For a bit.

Somewhere in his cranium, Jobs then decided that he would indeed like to very much purchase them. The only problem? Motherfuckin’ archnemesis Microsoft had swooped in, and bought them all up and shit. This did nothing less than send Steve Jobs into a Hulk-like rage.

Kotaku:

As soon as we announced we bought Bungie, Steve Jobs called,” former Microsoft VP of game publishing Ed Fries tells Develop.

“He was mad at [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer and phoned him up and was angry because we’d just bought the premier Mac game developer and made them an Xbox developer.”

He was so mad, in fact, that he needed to be called and talked back from the outskirts of cranky town.

Pretty fucking interesting, to say the least. What would have happened if Apple hadn’t been too late in snagging Bungie? Would all of us douchebag Master Chief boner-worshippers never have come aboard the Halo train? Or would all of the Xbots of the world simply been Mac dickheads? I shudder at the thought, since god knows there’s a lot of them already.

Steve Ballmer is lucky that Jobs didn’t take that motherfucker out. This is the same Steve Jobs that commands the Hand, and was stopped in an airport because he was trying to smuggle ninja stars onto his own private jet. You don’t fuck with shit like that! Jobs will cut you. Cut you deep, and wear your head on his cock like fucking Patrick Bateman. I’ve seen it.

Intriguing stuff.

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Yesterday, I posted about Rob Liefeld’s awesome take on a particular bible verse: Matthew 27:51-52. You know, Zombie Jesus and shit. Since then, said verse has been trending in the search terms that bring people here.

Oh Jesus.

Maybe the people are searching for it, because of Zombie Jesus, and coming here. But if they aren’t? I almost feel remorseful. Just a good God-fearing bible thumper wanting to brush up on some verse. Then they stumble across this Den of Debauchery. If we’re not enough to send a b-boy of Christ into a Eucharist binge, I don’t know what would be. I can picture then just smashing Christbody wafers between teeth, frantically rattling off Hail Marys.

I almost feel bad. Then I giggle.

[Source: Big Bad Toy Store via Super Punch]

This set includes a 23.5 cm long Mav Police Spinner Miracle Action Vehicle as well as the “Blade Runner – The Final Cut + Work Print” on Blu-Ray. Note that this Blu-Ray disc is NOT region-specific, and can be played anywhere in the world.

Super awesome. Super excessive.