Don’t Like Apple? Steve Jobs Got A Ninja Star For Your Dumb Face

Steve Jobs is a bad motherfucker. I’ve known this since it became clear that Apple was going toe-to-toe with Google to take over the world and mind-rape us with telepathic waves emanating from their devices. However, I have begun to fear that the Apple-pocalypse is sooner than we think. Why? Well, remember when Steve Jobs was sick last year or some shit? And looked awful? Recent news has made one thing clear: Steve Jobs actually passed away and was resurrected by The Hand. Oh wait? You think the Hand is just an undead ninja clan from the Marvel Universe?

Then check this out: Steve Jobs was stopped last year by airport security from boarding his own private plane. Why? ‘Cause the dude was trying to bring shuriken aboard. How else do you explain it? It’s obvious.

According to a Japanese magazine, Spa!, Jobs was stopped by what were obviously Forces of Good from boarding his own plane last year. They stopped him because he was trying to bring ninja stars aboard. He then pointed out to them that it seemed a bit absurd to worry that he was going to hijack his own plane, not revealing his true intentions: planning to kill everyone who complained about the forthcoming Death Grip on the iPhone 4, and the price of an iPad. Jobs then swore off ever going to Japan again (I’m not making this up), and probably sent Hand ninjas to assaassainate the grandmothers of those who stopped him.

As I said, Steve Jobs is a bad motherfucker.