[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Principal Clancy took a big, nasty slurp of coffee. The paper cup struggled to maintain itself, pushing against the vice grip of a fat, sweaty paw. The brown juice sleazed passed yellow teeth and fought against a burp on the way down. Naturally, the cup folded inwards as the liquid found its way into the educator’s gullet. In the process, a splash of coffee broke through a fissure and launched itself onto Principal Clancy’s jowls.

He didn’t even notice.

Keep Reading »

If it ain’t Wednesday, I ain’t happy. This is Variant Covers, the weekly comic books column where I unfurl my pull-list and let you see what I’m eager to check out. I can’t snag every comic book worthy of purchase, being a poor bastard with little time. So with that in mind, hit the comments section with your own favorites for the given week.

Today is seeing the accumulation of posthuman nano-madness, incensed heralds of the apocalypse, horny murdering school kids and more. I’m ready to fucking rock.

Keep Reading »

If the Governator or whatever wasn’t enough to get your  Schwarzenegger-tip glossy, then you should be excited by this news. Arnold is now attached to a ‘Terminator 5’ project that is being shopped around Hollywood. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Yes!

Keep Reading »

I thought I was into Game of Thrones but this Florida resident is so down with the Starks that he beat the shit out of his cousin over it. Drawing that kind of fan loyalty after only one episode bodes well for HBO, who just renewed it for a second season. Hells yeah.

After an hour long series of introductions and politics in last week’s pilot, “The Kingsroad” sets those pieces into tense motion. It’s not all love between the Starks and the Lannisters – the only honest, good blood is between Ned and King Robert. The scene in which they talk about their war with the Targaryens was a highlight of the episode for me. Because of his nearly oppressive sense of loyalty, Ned is still willing to travel to King’s Landing to take his position as the King’s Hand despite his son Bran remains in a coma after his fall. We all know that Jamie Lannister pushed Bran from the high window after witnessing his incestual relations with Cersei.

Keep Reading »

Enlarge. | Via.

So when you call something the ‘Elephant’s Trunk Nebula I naturally think of a dangling phallic cosmic wonder. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, that isn’t the case.

Keep Reading »

There’s a  potpourri  of Marvel movie news today, jettisoning out of various gulches and gorges and uh, maybe gulches don’t jettison anything. But still.

Keep Reading »

Well, son of a bitch! Just add another thing to the list of reasons why I’d sell a good pint of my liqui-children to a bank or two for the opportunity to go to E3. Nintendo has confirmed their new console will be there, and people who are attending will get to play it.

Keep Reading »

Thank the Maker – April’s almost over! Here in New England, winters are absolutely brutal and I’m pretty sure that this last one has been the bleakest of my life. As such, April seemed like it’d be a great reprieve but it’s proven to be a fickle bitch – cold and rainy with just enough sunshine to keep the razor from my wrist. But once May hits the winter coats are traded for hooded sweatshirts and smiles are abound.

It’s true – scientists say so.

To get us through this final week of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, let’s hop into the Monday Morning Commute – the shining piercing on the tip of the dong that is the workweek. I’m going to run you through the highlights of the upcoming seven days, and then you can do the same. It’s internet-buddy show-and-tell at its best. Or worst. You decide.

Let’s do this.

Keep Reading »

This is Press Start! Welcome one, welcome all. How are you on this fair weekend? I hope you’ve escaped the drudgery momentarily. Tapped out of the 9-5 machinations of our wonderful grindo-culture, for a couple of days. Sip some suds and check out the five things that I dug in gaming this week, and as usual share your own.

This week we have fucking Best Buy wanting to ruin your shopping experience, the Wii 2’s specs dribbling down your chin, a pastor bribing sinners with Nintendos, and more.

Let’s party.

—-

#1: Best Buy Promises To Ruin Your Gaming Experience.
I like shopping for shopping for video games at Best Buy. While I admittedly do most of my video game acquiring whilst sitting in sweaty, dank midnight release lines, whenever I go to Best Buy it’s a welcome change of pace.

Why?

Motherfuckers at Gamestop are miserable. All up in my grill, wanting to know if I want to reserve anything. If I want to buy a fucking disc protection warranty. If I want to buy   a strategy guide when the entire universe of the internet can provide the sort of tips and tricks I need.

You don’t get this shit at Best Buy. Or at least you didn’t.

This week it was revealed that Best Buy wants to add all sorts of happy horseshit to their gaming section. They want to add desks and shit where “specialists” will sit and “help us” with our trade-ins, and offer us “exclusive digital content.”

Oh fuck me. Best Buy, be the one place who stays the fuck out of our way. I don’t want to reserve anything unless I say so, and I certainly don’t want to have a warranty on a disc shoved down my throat.

Best Buy: Making Amazon look like a better, and better option.

—-

#2: Church Bribes People With 3DS And Other Electronics.
Here’s an inventive way to get people to go to church on Sunday. Nothing can get people to abandon reason and science in favor of mystic Zombie Walkers better than materialism. I mean, I’ll be fucking goddamned (there’s a pun in there somewhere) if we don’t worship anything like we do our products.  At least one church has finally realized that our lawn and our cars are our only God.

Meet   pastor Eric Dykstra and The Crossing Church. They’re offering $8,000 in electronics as a bribe to drive asses into seats on Sunday. That’s right, if you attend, you’re entered into a fucking lottery to snag a Nintendo 3DS and other bullshit. Praise the lord! Dykstra breaks it down:

“It’s awkward to say ‘hey come to my church.’ It just feels weird and you don’t want to twist somebody’s arm so to kind of alleviate some of that weirdness what we’ve done is said hey if you bring your friend to church they might potentially win a 3D television, a 3DS or a 3D movie ticket package.”

Fair enough, fair enough. Motherfuckers have to be ingenuitive to get people back into the altars. Makes a road trip to Minnesota almost worth it.

—-

#3:  Sega Attempts To Break Our Heart Again With New Sonic Game.
Sonic Generations, welcome to the fucking world! In celebration of Sonic’s 20^th Anniversary, Sega has announced yet another crack at the Sonic franchise. Man, Sonic’s 20 years-old. What’s more staggering than that is that there hasn’t been a fucking console Sonic game worth playing for more than half of that. I’m throwing the fucking chips down, Sonic Adventure was the last excellent title for our hedgehog. If you think that game wasn’t excellent, I may even grant you that.

Here comes Sonic Generations though, and it’s a bit of a unique spin. They’re offering classic levels such as Green Hill Zone, but with a twist. You can play through the levels either as classic Sonic, or with a viewpoint that echoes the more modern approach.

Fuck. The modern. Approach.

The ability to whiz through Green Hill zone with sexified graphics just may be enough for me to rock this title. However, more than likely, the game is going to drop, it’s going to get reviews that shitcan it, and I’m going to bemoan the lack of a quality Sonic on my plate.

Sonic 4? Fuck that game. Come on Sonic Team, get this goddamn shit done.

Keep Reading »

Marvel has released a fucking plethora of new movie screens from the upcoming ‘Thor.’ It’s a sexy collection of bearded gods, sizzling goddesses, and some neat behind the scenes stuff. A fucking shit ton, man! Hit the jump, check out the pictures, and uh, stuff.

Keep Reading »