Video: How Do Make A SHOTGUN RAINBOW. Like It Sounds, Folks.
Welcome to Bovine America, where shotguns and fast food are going to come stapled to our tits upon birth. Naw man, I shouldn’t stunt. This is goddamn awesome. It’s a moderately attractive female firing a shotgun, generating a rainbow. How can this not be everything George Washington hoped for when he fought the Martians for control of Delaware?
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THIS WEEK on Game of Thrones: “The North Remembers”
A long, nine-month wait for the return of Game of Thrones ended with maces and shields smashing together with glorious clamour. All for the entertainment of a boy-king absolutely drunk with the power of the Iron Throne sitting patiently under his lanky, undeserving rear. Patiently, in wait, for numerous contenders ready to raze the world for a chance at it.
An opening image is everything in the cinematic art, even for an episode, or better still a season of television. What does the Hound’s crushing defeat of another soldier tell us about this new season to come? What tone does this scene set for the year?
Bloody fucking contest. Orchestrated violence. Unequal rivals set against one another. The paramount nature of power? A king getting whatever he wants, no matter how he laid claim to the crown.
Littlefinger reminded our good Eddard Stark last year that succession hardly mattered, when Ned pushed for Stannis to claim his elder brother’s throne. After all, Robert took it with Ned’s help by taking it by force from the Mad King. Right, wrong, whatever it was, it was Robert’s throne, and he knew it, even if he bankrupted the realm, and whored and drank his way to an early grave proving it.
Power! A lesson not lost on Joffrey, who writers Weiss and Benioff remind us quickly with their opening scene, is enraptured by power and misusing it grossly. And that he should be justly hated for it.
BROCK LESNAR Hangs An F5 On JOHN CENA’S Dumb Ass
I don’t watch wrestling, but I may need to start. I know The Rock is back, and just today I had this video emailed to me from Patrick Bateman OL’s programmer and resident sociopath. I genuinely enjoy Brock Lesnar as a super-douche hyper-real humanoid character, and I’ve always wanted to lay a stink on John Cena for ruining one of the greatest things in the world: jorts.
Hit the jump to watch Lesnar blast the choad with a ferocity unmatched by anywhere the seven winds cover.
Ancient SOUND WAVES Sculpted Galaxy Formation. That’s Rockin’ Hard, Yo.
Galactic formation back in the day is the result of sound waves. Sound waves! What the fuck. Now there’s something I hadn’t thought of when it came to how the Universe formed. However, usually when I think about the Universe forming I end up picturing (invariably) the Multiverse and then I’m onto imagining myself in present day riding a T. Rex with Jesus to the Drive Thru at Taco Bell.
Strange Moments in Solid Movies: Boomer the Dog FTW in Independence Day
With an insatiable desire to depict worlds in disarray, Roland Emmerich has spent the better part of three decades pumping out grandiose blockbusters bedecked in social destruction with a flair for the skeptical. That isn’t to say there is a whole lot of method behind the madness; Emmerich’s love for blowing stuff up–be it a sturdy building or established fact–is just too primary, too outrageous. And he’s willing to draw on dicey pasts (The Patriot, Anonymous) and controversial presents (The Day After Tomorrow, 2012) to lay waste to the good earth of cinema, scorching anything that resembles sensible storytelling or true scientific inquiry in his movies’ cataclysmic march to commercial success. And leader of this bombastic parade is Independence Day, Emmerich’s most entertaining film to date.
Video: ALEX JONES Explains How ‘PROMETHEUS’ Is Really About The ILLUMINATI. No, Srsly.
Alex Jones is awesome. He’s the sort of crazy-asshole who mixes just enough reality into his deranged rantings to make his conspiracy theories entertaining. This one is particularly choice. Having “gotten an early script” of Prometheus, the dude claims that its actually about…the Illuminati. Well, I’m sold!
Hit the jump to check it out.
‘FEZ’ Gets Box Art From ‘SCOTT PILGRIM’ Creator Bryan Lee O’Malley
I’m pretty goddamn jazzed for Fez, and the excitement has only increased since it was announced the son of a bitch was dropping soon. Adding logs to the Stoked Fire is the reveal of the cover art, done by none other than Bryan Lee O’Malley.
Hit the jump to check it out.
Video: HAN SOLO Dancing To Jason Derulo In ‘KINECT STAR WARS’. Vomit On My Crotch.
There’s video of Han Solo cutting a a rug in Kinect Star Wars has hit the net, and people are up in arms. You know, I pretend to be upset, but let’s get real. The Star Wars Christmas Special hit many, many moons ago. Exploiting the franchise has been going on for thirty years. It’s the fucking with the trilogy that’s beyond the pale. Check out the video, you’re going to love it. Or cry.
The Most Sensitive Scale Can Weigh INDIVIDUAL PROTONS. My Fat Ass Would Break It.
How much does a proton weigh? Like five or six pounds, right? I’m kidding! I can’t remember high school but I can totally remember they’re like light. Maybe even really light. Well now thanks to science we have a goddamn scale that can weigh them.
Act Your Age With Capcom Retro Collections
Face it: you’re old. That’s what I tell myself as I stare into the abyss that is my ever-increasing forehead. As the hair recedes, all that is left is pale, shiny flesh that serves only to reflect past glories and hide regret within the ever-deepening recesses. This week sees two ‘retro’ collection releases from Capcom appearing on our shelves. The games I grew up with are now fit for re-packaging and retro bumper packs. It’s all getting too real. Still, it’s hard to feel sorry for myself when I’m smashing the collective face of the Mad Gear Gang with Mike Haggar’s iron pipe of justice (trademark pending).
