#Welcome To the Future
US appeals court says “F**K YEAH!’ to warrantless phone GPS tracking. I frown.
I’m going to need to double-down on my secret skulking as the nighttime vigilante, Balls Out. You can guess my super power. The Man has ruled in favor of warrantless phone GPS tracking, and god knows I need my iPhone’s GPS to Yelp my dinner stops throughout the night. Fighting crime burns mad kcals.
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Turn living plants into multitouch interfaces. Controlling computers with plants. THE FUTURE IS GOOD.
This just seems like the sort of silly shit I’d make up early in the morning, ripped on grease and caffeine. The future is here, it just ain’t evenly distributed. The words of my hero Billy Gibson. Well, shit. If anyone is looking for some of that excess future being hoarded, check out this ridiculousness.
Wikileaks exposes “TrapWire”, government spy network using regular surveillance cameras. Suffers DDoS.
Welcome to the wonderfully quiet Police State, folks. Wikileaks has expose “TrapWire”, a government program that uses ordinary surveillance cameras to spy on the reg. In response, the site has suffered a rather massive DDoS. Sadly, you know what? Shit is unnecessary. The average United States citizen don’t give no fucks, as long as they have their fried foods and reality television.
Google to punish pirate sites in search results. The future recoils, aghast.
Getting harder and hard to pirate that copy of Flo Rida’s latest single. Demonoid is down, and now Google is punishing pirate sites in their search results. I just want to Flo, shit! How can one Flo in this day and age? Buy it? Kiss my ass!
Researches creating ‘Hell Cell’ microbe that can survive on Mars. Careful guys, gosh!
Let us create a microbe that can survive on Mars! Yeah! Pay no mind to it evolving, generating a corpus, and plotting our doom. Such is the plot of this science-fiction nonsense made reality. What is next, soda foundations? Talking dogs? Jesus Christ.
3D-Printed model of your UNBORN FETUS will only run you $1,230. The future, man.
Yo, all I’m saying is that even if you have the money don’t buy this. You don’t need a 3D model of your half-baked alien parasite all up in your womb. You don’t. Shit is creepy. Looks like some monster I’ve stomped running around in Dead Space, screaming and cursing the world.
Buy YOUR OWN 13-FOOT MECH From Suidobashi Heavy Industry For A Mere $1.35 MILLI.
We’re living in a time, folks, when we can buy our own mechs. Let’s just think about that for a moment and laugh at the insane world that we were born into.
Apple buys patent-rich security firm for $356, barely choking back evil cackles whilst doing so.
Apple has snagged up a security firm who is fat-gutted on a glut of patents. I’m sure their evil maestros could barely contain their priapisms and sloppy loins when they finished this deal.
GPS vulnerabilities could allow hackers to take over smartphones. HACK THE PLANET.
I’m often weary of leet hackers taking over my smartphone, intercepting my signals. That’s why I only speak in slurred hate regarding sports teams, and pictures I found off of Tumblr with my friends. Turns out I was right.
Reseachers create synthetic iris that can bypass eye-scanning security systems. The future is nao!
Researchers have drummed up this fantastic way to get around eye-scanning security systems. Let’s see if you can understand exactly how they do it, because it makes my skull all sorts of shades hurt.
