I can’t stop thinking about Final Fantasy XIII. It’s a Final Fantasy. A fucking Final Fantasy! I have some peeps who tell me things like, “I gosh gee, I haven’t liked the last several installments!” During these times, I contemplate an intelligent, well-thought out response.

But then I’m like, meh.

So what I generally say is something like:

I’m sorry you have shitty taste. It’s also a shame that your Mom’s ass smells like rotten tuna, but that’s only because her blown-out, leaky vagina tends to drain into her ass crack. As well, I’m not typically pro-choice, but you seem like a prime candidate for abortion.

Then they continue all, “So yeah, I’m just not that excited about it. I mean, it’s not that I hate it it or anything, but just…”

Fuck you! Are you kidding me! It’s got like fucking monsters that transform into vehicles with guns and it’s got a dude who has a fucking CHOCOBO in his hair. I can’t even begin to comprehend why you wouldn’t be excited about this. Why are you lame?

“Ian, chill out man! I’m just not particularly excited for it.”

OH, I’M FUCKING SORRY! I THOUGHT YOU LIKED COOL THINGS?! WHY ARE WE FRIENDS?!

“Seriously dude, you’re frightening me!”

And you’re fucking dead! I swear on the seventeen cans of Pepsi Max that I’ve consumed in the last hour, I will absolutely dance in your blood! I will not relent until you’re a mush of organic matter splayed about a public place! I will revile your desecrated corpse with insults regarding your small and or smelly genitalia, depending on your gender!

And then they’re like “…I guess, I guess I do want to play it. I have to go. Don’t call me.”

I was pretty excited when Famitsu got all retarded and shit and gave Bayonetta a perfect score. I mean, I knew that in no way was it possible for the game to be perfect. But I giggled, and I laughed, and I wrote childish articles about it.

But then? THEN THOSE FUCKS GAVE FINAL FANTASY XIII A LESSER SCORE?!

Final Fantasy XIII: 39/40

Bayonetta: 40/40

Holy shit! This is unacceptable. I’m trying to stop myself from driving down to wherever they write Famitsu in Boston or whatever and giving them a piece of my fucking mind? What you say, it’s a Japan magazine!? Fuck you, holding me down!

Having played the Bayonetta demo, which resounds as pretty much Blah-yonetta: Devil May Climax, I’m a bit confused as to how the grading system works. Are there darts and blindfolds involved? Is it the ole Pick-Dat-Shit-Out-Dat-Hat method? I’m not saying that Final Fantasy XIII is perfect, though I mean c’mon it probably is, I’m just saying there’s no way it isn’t better than Devil May Have Tits And Glasses.

I feel so guilty, being compelled to slash against my love, my dearest Bayonetta. But even she cannot compare to the eternal, never ending buttcrush I’ll have on Final Fantasy and its slew of androgynous, sorta male, sorta female cast, who finally got me to realize, it’s okay if I am not really sure of my sexual boundaries, and I sure love casting spells.

Dead Space 2 is fucking coming. So strap on whatever brand of adult diaper you prefer, and get ready to shit your pants. The original Dead Space kicked my ass. It sort of fell into my life from nowhere, and left me amazed. The graphics were tight, the atmosphere was tense as fuck, and the storyline? Well, of course my lord and savior Warren Ellis contributed to it.

So the fact that there is a sequel coming has me amplified to the point of non-coherence. Which, I suppose, is how I am pretty much all the time:

Via Kotaku:

“We’re thrilled to jump back into the series, making the next chapter in Isaac’s journey,” added Steve Papoutsis, Executive Producer of Dead Space 2. “The infection continues to spread throughout space and our hero Isaac Clarke is the only person able to contain it. There are still loads of Necromorphs that need killing. In Dead Space 2, not everything is exactly as it seems. Expect plot twists that will surprise you and a huge cast of twisted, disgusting monsters that are sure to scare the daylights out of you.”

Pretty much a boring press release. Whatever! Give me fucking anti-gravity boots, my trusty plasma cutter, and let’s throw down. And by that I mean peer slowly around corners trying to prepare yourself for whatever is about to make you crap.

Alright, I have no idea what’s going on in this picture. I had to look up the cute girl’s name, and it happens to be Vanille. And I think she’s riding a summon. And it happens to be a giant beast like thing that is also a dual gatling gun. This game is going to change my ass on a molecular level. It’s going to give me powers and shit.

Oh, holy shit! The Bayonetta demo came out today, and I obviously downloaded it almost instantly and played it with my pants off. Duh! Double duh! And my first impressions? It really, truly, genuinely is Devil May Climax. I know that Bayonetta’s creator is also Devil May Cry’s, but god damn. Kamiya, you truly don’t give a fuck. The inventory system is identical, the story even seems to have the requisite foil for Bayonetta – some other chick with glasses and shit.

The entire experience is fucking bananas. Like, I really had no idea what was going on when the shit started. The game throws you into some battle with a zillion enemies that look like, that’s right, Devil May Cry clones. One thing I was digging on the fact that the game is decently difficult. I had to adjust my desired play technique, which was juggling the shit out of enemies and hoping other baddies around me couldn’t snap me out of a combo.

It’s been a while since I played DMC, but I thing you’re invincible during a combo, and can’t be interrupted for the most part.

Whoops. This shit forces you to dodge, or die.

At one point I was spinning on some weapon round and round like a god damn stripper, while shooting people with my shoes. That’s the sort of shit we’re dealing with here.

During the middle of some battle, I think it was a boss battle, the game commanded me to smash a button to climax. Yeah, you’re inputting commands to climax. And then Bayonetta went all bat-shit crazy and unleashed a torrent of ass-whupping and…stuff happened. I really don’t know what’s going on during combat for the most part,it’s all too much for even my over-caffeinated, twitching senses.

Bayonetta really ain’t going to be anything other than Devil May Cry starring some chick in leather and with gravity-breaking curves. I’m cool with that. But if you’re expecting anything more, you’re probably going to be bummed out. But let me repeat, it’s Devil May Cry, starring a chick with guns for high-heels. Don’t be a douche.

I decided to break down the Final Fantasy XIII cover. Intelligently. For starters, it’s interesting to see Lightning looking forward to something off-screen. Perhaps she is troubled by something, and she is gazing at something forthcoming. Her sword is drawn as though there is an imminent threat. Her one leg poised suggests she is assuming a position of authority.   Her lips are pursued, her mind contemplating the forthcoming battle. Her one arm bandaged, suggesting that you know, she is a wounded bird, a person not quite whole, but willing to strive towards something.

LOL.

JK.

LOOK AT HER FUCKING CREAMY THIGHS.

What do I need to fucking say? Anything. I SAY NO. Final Fantasy XIII marches closer, and closer. And day by day, my balls tingle a little bit more. I’m going to be vibrating through my futon when I finally crack this bitch open. BELIEVE. Hit the jump for the PS3 rendition.

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This is not the cosplay winner.

Yeah, it’s been like a fucking week since I mentioned Bayonetta. What the hell is going on? I fucked up. I’m sorry. Okay?

I wish I could have been brought back to one of my favorite subjects with good news. Nope. Recently Sega announced the winner of the contest they ran in conjunction with Maxim to find their Bayonetta lookalike winner. She sucks. It’s insulting. Peep it:

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I dug out my copy of Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time yesterday. It had been sitting lonely on my subwoofer, giving me the stink-eye since the end of October. With a crazy deluge of bonerfying titles, or probably more correctly my fiend-like addiction to MW2, I hadn’t gotten around to playing much of it. It wasn’t out of dislike, but for some reason I was gravitating more towards getting owned by 11 year-olds or playing through Mass Effect for the three-thousandth time.

This game is dope, if R&C is your thing. R&C is a sturdy little franchise. It doesn’t do anything too radical from installment to installment for the most part, but it consistently brings it. You have the typical high-quality gameplay, an amusing storyline that I always forget ten seconds after finishing it, and impressive graphics.

So, whatever. I cracked this bitch open. It’s good, it’s amusing. It gets the job done.

But what I really enjoy so far are the Super Ratchet Galaxy levels. There’s a bunch of levels that are optional as you float through space in your Viper/X-Wing/Whatever you want to call it. You board them, and they’re spherical featuring challenges throughout a Galaxy-esque layout.

I dug them. I didn’t see them coming. When I was scratching my mind-balls about the levels, I remembered that some R&C back in the day featured these sort of spherical levels. I’m far too lazy to look up which game, or recall the particulars from my sludgy, decaying synapses. So maybe it isn’t Galaxy, but rather an extension of Insomniac Games’ prior diddling with the concept.

Nonetheless, they’re an unexpected and enjoyable inclusion. They break up the typical R&C levels nicely, and they’re not mandatory. Side-sessions that allow for some more creative gameplay, if you will.

So far, so good, so what? Yeah, I don’t know. R&C doesn’t reinvent the franchise, and apparently it finishes up the storyline. It’s a great way to wash the taste of getting teabagged by little kids in MW2 out of my mouth, and the Galaxy levels seem to offer something to platformer whores like me who want some optional challenges.

Ohhhhh, shiznit. Check this fly ass shit out. If there’s one thing that really bummed me out about the original Mass Effect – besides the barren worlds, and three-hour story mission, it was that Bioware really never came through on their promise of dope DLC that bridged the gap between the original and its sequel. There was a throwaway simulation piece of garbage, and Bring Down the Sky which was a shitty mission that could have been included in the game and I wouldn’t have known better.

Well, it appears my boys at “The Ware” are coming god damn correct for their new installment.

Via Destructoid:

In a recent conversation with GTTV (via TVGB), Mass Effect 2 project director Casey Hudson revealed that most of the ME2 team would switch to working on ME2 downloadable content after the completion of the core game. And don’t expect just huge expansion packs — the game will support a range of different content unlike the first ME.“As part of trying to build the game, as ambitious as it was, one of the things we weren’t able to do technically was to have the support in the game itself for certain kinds of downloadable content,” Hudson said, speaking to the first Mass Effect and its hang-ups.

Hell yeah! It’s getting some good god damn support. I like how they’re all learning and shit. They’re talking about bringing new characters, new campaigns, and other shit to the DLC for ME2. Let’s be optimistic and assume this is building on top of an already ballin’ retail release.

I also love the fact that Hudson realizes that Bring Down the Sky fucking sucked:

What we found was that the content we could produce with a small team in a short time just wasn’t up to the standards we wanted to produce for DLC,” she continued in response to our question. “We were able to produce more uncharted-world level content in a reasonable time, and that’s what we originally envisioned ‘Bring Down The Sky’ as being, but in an early project review we just didn’t feel that it was measuring up to what we wanted from DLC.

This is all terribly fantastic to me.