Oh shit! One week until Bayonetta sensually brushes up onto these shores. Are your genitals engorged? Are they swollen for non-stop climax action? I friggin’ hope so! I have a whole god damn plate of video games I haven’t finished yet, but it doesn’t matter. I want to climax, baby. CLIMAX. They’ll be discarded like the underwear I’m going to cheese with love when I finally slide this in. See what I did there? LOL! Fuck you.

This game has taken on a life of its own over here at Omega Level. I can’t even tell you how many hits we get a day for search terms like:

Bayonetta shits her own leather undies
Bayonetta sex
Bayonetta booty shorts

It’s sort of spiraled into its own bizarre fascination for me, and plus, you know, it gets me cheap hits. A bunch of horny nerds, cocks or clits in hand, ready to rub one out to Mrs. Gunshoes. It’s become a recurring joke born out a general excitement I have for the game. Again, it’s like, Devil May Cry starring a babe with gorgeous cleavage, glasses, and leather. Kamiya is playing on every visceral overtone in our animalistic bones. Well played, sir.

One week. You guys can make it.

[plight of…is generally a reflection piece on something on my mind. stream of consciousness and usually asks you guys questions in a formless rant that feels good on my fingers and keyboard]

If you’re like me, you’re a contradictory asshole. Usually I write this off to being human. It’s a cheap way out of arguments with your friends or girlfriend, boyfriend, or whatever without really admitting fault. You say something like “Yeah, I’m a fucking hypocrite but so are you!” And then you explain that existence is rife with contradictions and hypocrisy and maybe it’s just embedded into our collective consciousness, or our meat sacks, or whatever. So when I say I’m divided about Final Fantasy XIII and its insane linearity, I mean it. On one hand, I always wax intellectual about allowing for the evolution of characters, franchises, whatever. I opine with feigned hurt about fanboys who say “Oh, Batman should never act this way!” and “Final Fantasy cannot, must not, simply not have Moogles with three-centimeter ears!”

And yeah, I have a very clear cut, and determined idea of what makes a Final Fantasy.

I am Ian Drinkwater, just another typical hypocrite.

Here’s the deal. Apparently Final Fantasy XIII is the pinnacle of linearity. Reviewers have described it as one long-corridor of doom, where battles are endless, you’re healed after every scrum, and you have absolutely no ability to explore nooks and crannies. The entire ordeal, granted only from what I’ve read, is a stripped down game that features no exploration for the first thirty or so hours, and instead just punches you in the genitalia with gorgeous cutscenes and non-stop action.

I consider this to blow.

On the one hand, there’s this portion of me that believes that Final Fantasy developers shouldn’t be encumbered by the expectations of the fans. Maybe they should consider them, but should they kowtow to them instead of evolving the franchise as they see fit? I don’t think so. It’s a double-edged sword. Rip the fanboys away from everything they love and cherish, and they freak the fuck out. Maintain the status quo, and all you hear about is how stagnant the formula has become.

So what the fuck do you do! I have no idea. I really don’t.

The first twenty, thirty or whatever hours or so of the game doesn’t feature this. It’s been described as corridor after corridor of action. Wash, rinse, repeat. You kick the shit out of some dudes, who probably have laser guns, you are automatically healed after the battle, and then you watch a cutscene and do it all over again. It seems like there’s linearity, and then there’s linearity.

A brilliant and beautiful friend and fellow master of the masturbatory joke pointed out that a lot of games are linear. The example he dropped with Uncharted 2, which while linear to an extent is still an excellent game. It’s an interesting point, and I agree with it to an extent. I suppose my response to that is two-fold.

First, while the game is linear, Uncharted 2 offers sexy chunks of exploration. I’d run around like an asshole hunting for treasure, exploring every inch of the map. There is no such corridor of doom concept in Uncharted 2, or even in stock action games like Devil May Cry, and Prince of Persia. There is a minimal amount of exploration, something to engross you in the world.

And secondly, and on a personal level, and maybe I’m alone in this, but Final Fantasy has always been about delving into and exploring some new world. And a lot of that involves me barging into people’s houses unsolicited and interrogating the same small, fearful child over and over again. Yes hi, I’m a blonde spikey-haired guy with an enormous sword, may I ask you a few questions? What do you mean you don’t know where the super-sexy androgynous grey-haired man went? Well, little child, I’m going to keep asking until you lie or piss your pants.

I like playing Final Fantasy titles as much as I like enjoying their storylines. And if long corridors and repetitive battles are there in an effort to focus more on the storyline, I say I appreciate your experiment guys. It just doesn’t seem appealing to me. I could have suffered linearity in the form of something like Final Fantasy X’s world. It was pretty linear at the beginning. Go here. Do this. Talk to this guy. Now we shuffle you off to the next event. Even then it wasn’t that bad? Why? Because there were still towns you were being shuffled to. Shops to explore, characters to talk to.

But again, I waffle. Maybe it’ll be enjoyable, maybe I’ll love it anyways. Perhaps if I can let-go of my stale interpretation of what a Final Fantasy should be, I’ll be able to enjoy what this Final Fantasy happens to be. I can’t condemn them on the grounds of trying something new, I just don’t know if I’ll find it as magical as the past titles. I’m all for encouraging the evolution of titles, but I don’t feel any sort of intellectual onus to automatically applaud them for it.

Yep, that’s me. Applauding innovation and evolution, while simultaneously decrying an installment in a franchise when it doesn’t meet my expectations. A typical hypocritical asshole.

I pre-ordered Final Fantasy XIII today. I was in Gamestop just kicking around, and I was like, fuck it. Let’s slap some cheddar on this sexy piece of shit. And I could! I really could! I was sort of thinking the entire “LOL, Final Fantasy XIII is out” was just some delusion I was suffering. I was concerned that my medicine had stopped working and I had been transported to a land of lollipops and happiness. A land where Tiger Woods wasn’t a nerdy geek, but gather the penultimate tapper of ass, and Square actually released video games.

But it’s all real! They took my money and everything. And I have my pre-order receipt right where it’s safe, tucked hastily into my boxer briefs. I swear to anyone who tries and take my baby away from me, I will assail them with a ferocity typically reserved for the wild plains and cage fights. I will sleep with my receipt and I will happily hand it over, caked in love and goop and fluid to whoever is lucky enough to hand me my copy on March 9, 2010.

Shit’s real!

Hey geeks, what the fuck are you fans of? Deep cleavage, maybe? Oh, you know I’m right? How about spells? You know, CAST FIRE and shit? I’m double right. How about side-portions of breasts?

Now guess what! What if I told you there was a game coming out that had tons of deep cleavage, spells and swords and shit, and side-portions of breasts? You’d probably immediately start laughing at me. Saying oh Ian, you fucking dreamer. Clearly nothing, nothing could contain all of this awesomeness!

Well guess what, you derisive assholes! How about Final Fantasy XIII!!!!

Via the ESRB through Destructoid (with my own added emphasis throughout):

Cutscenes occasionally depict female characters dressed in revealing outfits: Holographic dancers — clad in bikini tops, skimpy leotards, and backless chaps — glide above the city during a festivity performance; flying-motorcycle models wear skin-tight tops that expose FUCKING deep cleavage. And during one elaborate sequence, a female character transforms from a crystal statue back to her human form — sparkle effects,  camera  panning, and shimmering lights partially obscure the nude character, though side-portions of her SUPPLE, GORGEOUS, AROUSING breasts are visible (fleeting–one-to-two seconds).

I’m sure there’s going to be tons of tight buttocks and deep pectoral cleavage for those who also enjoy the male persuasion such as myself. I mean, have you seen Snow’s pecs? They’re enormous. They look like enormous gloating continents of muscle, rippling at you, winking, wanting you to want them. And how can you say no? Can you? I’m sure you can’t.

Swords, dudes with huge pectorals, deep cleavage, totally awesome spells, Bahamut, epic strife and confrontation, like, other cool stuff. I know you’re sweating it. Hold my hand, we’ll endure the wait together.

Yeah, Japan is getting Final Fantasy XIII tomorrow. Or today, over there. Or whatever. Fucking futurists. Anyways, according to Andriasang, they’re also getting a fucking Final Fantasy XIII ad in THREE-DIMENSIONS prior to the movie Avatar. What the fuck! This is some shit. I’m over here, having to pretend to play Final Fantasy XIII by holding my PS3 controller while playing Final Fantasy VII after taking my sleeping medicine, and my Japanese gaming brethren are getting not only the game, but also sweet-ass trailers? But come to mention it, if you own it, why the fuck are you even going to the movies!

My jealously is an endless river of blood in which my hate will soak!

Final Fantasy XIII comes out the 17th in Japan. In preparation for that shit, Square Enix has shipped a million copies. I’m fucking miserable. I used to be excited about all the FFXIII news. I was like, hey, that means this shit is real! But now I’m about to go into my typical ball of hateful resentment that knows no bounds of jealousy and impropriety. Fuck you, Japanese gamers! I need this shit. At a cellular level, I will not be complete until this ship comes out over here. And I guarantee that not one of you will enjoy it as much as me!

How do I know?

Fuck you!

And fuck you Square Enix! Would it really chap your ass to get on the fucking simultaneous release boat? Simultaneous releases are fucking awesome! In every sense of the word! And I refuse to acknowledge that they are mythical in both the video game realm as well as the bedroom! One can dream! My small penis, my PS3, and my idealism yearn for a day. A day of simultaneous release.

Last week it was suggested to me:

I think once a week you should post an obscure picture from FFXIII and we try to guess what the fuck is going on.

Well, here we fucking go! I dig this picture, because I dig Snow. I dig Snow in the way that I dig people I want to make love to. That is…I want to make love to him. Now, I know he’s not real. And I know it will never happen. But I know that this also makes me much like Kierkegaard’s Knight of Infinite Resignation. And frankly, anything I can do to make myself much like anything involving my existential heroes, I’ll undertake.

So I continue on my path, knowing that I will never make love to Snow. But I will never relinquish said dreams, for I will continue to envision a day when polygon and man can come together, united in their love.

Oh wait, I’m supposed to guess what’s going on?

I’m not really sure. But if I had to guess, Snow and Lightning are about to kick some fucking ass. You can tell Lightning is serious, because her arms are crossed. Which means that she’s silent and brooding and she wants to elbow drop someone. Meanwhile, Snow is pretending he’s Zell, or Dash, and he’s ready to unleash some fucking monk fury on an unsuspecting ass.

Who is he fighting?

Clearly Santa Claus.

My obsession is getting bad, I can tell, because despite having not bought a figure in years, I need this. I need you, Lightning.

I’ve completed the Dante’s Inferno demo, and I have to say, I’ve never been so utterly impressed by how much of a ripoff a game is of another title. But Dante’s Infero has just done that. Like, the fucking game should be called God of War: Italian Epic Poem Style or some shit. Everything, everything, everything is like God of War. Chests for health? Check. Typical air-juggle move? Check. Fatalities? Check. Annoying quick-time sequences? Double check. Like seriously, holy shit. I’m flummoxed as to how one studio can riff on another studio so fucking hardcore.

The craziest part? I liked it way, way more than the God of War III demo. So without further adieu, I’ll capture my experience of playing the Dante’s Inferno demo.

Okay, let’s see here. What the fuck is going on. Some lame cartoon cinematic. It’s an oliphant from Lord of the Rings. Awesome. Ah, this dude is like, stitching a cross into his chest? That’s pretty fucked up. Okay, cool. Alright, boring cinema. Jesus Christ, I just want to kill shit. Alright, combat. Hey, wow, is this game running on the God of War III engine? This is exactly the same shit. Ah, combat. Also exactly the same. Except it’s much easier. Oh shit, alright air-juggle. Good, if this game is God of War, I need my air-juggle. Killing shit, killing shit. What the fuck, I’m fighting the Grim Reaper? This is fucked up. I just ripped out his spine, and now I’m using it as a weapon? Fucking crazy.

Hey, they didn’t just ripoff God of War, they ripped off Gladiator. Here is Maximus…I mean Dante returning home. Oh hey his wife is dead, no shit. Wow, they show her dead and she has one titty hanging out? Flagrant nudity, even more than God of War. Nice. Impressive. Alright, more combat. Hey, his wife is laying on a tomb or some shit. Naked. Wow. And now they’re showing him copulating and shit in a new cartoon cinematic. Wow. And now I’m shooting laser crosses out of my hands.

Oh hey, a magic gauge. Like God of War.

Hey look, flying thingies, just like the harpies from God of War.

Boring platforming. Sliding down shit. Blah, blah blah.

Holy shit, Virgil! What’s up dude. How have you been? You look stupid.

Fighting, fighting, blah blah. Hey, now I’m riding some beast thing or something. Stomping around and shooting fire. It’s sort of like exactly completely when you ride the Cyclops in God of War. Smash smash smash.

Door opens. Demo ends.

The actors behind Battlestar Galactica’s Saul Tigh and Caprica Six are lending their fucking voices to Mass Effect 2. I’m going to lose my god damn mind.

One of the reasons I love Mass Effect so fucking much is that it allows me to dabble in the sort of universe that makes my nerd dong all salty with fluids. It’s like being able to run around the Battlestar Galactica or Star Wars universe. Calm down douchebags, I know it’s not an exact analog, but it’s close enough.

So, being able to hear their silky smooth and gruff voices respectively is putting me into a nerd froth. Also, the rest of   the voice acting list is pretty impressive too:

Via Kotaku:

We’ve got Tricia Helfer and Michael Hogan from Battlestar Galactica playing the voice of the new Normandy and Captain Bailey respectively. From NBC’s Chuck comes Yvonne Strahovski as genetically engineered Cerberus operative Miranda Lawson, joined by co-star Adam Baldwin, better known as Firefly’s Jayne Cobb, who’ll be taking on the role of Kal ‘Reegar. Marina Sirtis from the original Mass Effect taps out and fellow Star Trek: The Next Generation cast member Michael “Worf” Dorn taps in as Gatatog Uvenk. The Matrix’s Carrie-Anne Moss portrays Aria Y’Loak, the crime lord who rules the planet Omega. Finally we have Emmy-award winning House of Saddam star Shohreh Aghdashloo will play the role of Admiral Shala’Raan vas Tonbay.

And of course we can’t forget returning cast members Seth Green, who had some of the first game’s best lines as Normandy pilot Joker, and The Chronicles of Riddick’s Keith David, returning as Admiral David Anderson.

Shazam! I can’t wait.