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Came across these today. Super fucking gorgeous. Makes me wish I didn’t have bigfoot feet. Seriously, you know what you can buy for size 15 feet? Fucking nothing. Maybe some decent skateboarding sneakers, but nothing along the lines of hawt Star Wars or Bioshock sneakers. Someone buy these and wear them for me. I’ll stand in the corner while you do sick freestyle walking air kicks and shit and touch myself.

One of the things I dug the fuck out of in Knights of the Old Republic was the fact that the more of a motherfucker you were, the more it showed on your physical appearance. It made sense, since back then it was thought that the Dark Side rotted you the fuck out and made you look like a god damn leper. Mind you, this was before George Lucas was all like:

Oh hey guise, guess wut! You know how you thought that the Dark Side was responsible for Palpatine’s look? Psych! It’s actually lame ass lightning reflection caused by Jules from Pulp Fiction! I fucking shit on your established canon! Muwahahaha, and also, guess what! Boba Fett is an annoying little shit, and also a clone. I’m high on meth! I’m a mole-looking douchebag!

Anyways.

So, I was pretty stoked that Bioware brought back the whole “the more of a douchebag you are, the worse you look” thing for Mass Effect 2. The rationale is all, well, you see, Shepard was dead, and they didn’t have time to finish resurrecting her. (Or him.) So uh, the worse you are, the more your fissures crack and your bionics show.

Huh?

Wut?

It doesn’t matter.

On my second playthrough, I pledged to be the biggest piece of shit bad ass the galaxy had ever seen. No man, I ain’t healing you with my medigel! That shit is precious! Yes, assassin I caught in a warehouse, I am stomach-punching you out a fucking window! I’m Shepard! I seen some shit!

And it’s pretty cool. I mean, look at me. I’m a fucking demon. No wonder that’s why no one will sleep with me. Even though I’m like, hey, I saved the galaxy, I saved your ass, now let me tap it. Who doesn’t like seeing physical representations of their behavior? It’s neat, and been echoed in a ton of games like Fable and the such.

So I’m glad that they brought it back, so I can look like the possessed demon rapist that I am in this playthrough. Beware the red eyes of Shepard, if she’s looking at your butt, gender or species be damned, she’s snagging it!

Found this over at Kotaku thanks to a friend. This was a a status that was legitimately considered for Fallout 2. Amazing.

Via Kotaku

Yeah … we can see why that was cut from the game and replaced instead with the “Hated” reputation icon. Just in case it’s not clear to you that Vault Boy’s kicking mom in the womb, that gown helpfully indicates baby’s on board. I don’t think you’ll go to hell for laughing at this – but you will if you imagine it accompanied by a Looney Tunes kettle drum sound, like I did.

“Childkiller” was not a frivolous or even a desirable thing in Fallout 2. You got the status if you killed a kid, even accidentally, and for some characters it wasn’t obvious the game considered them children. Even without offensive art this capability was too controversial for consoles, so in Fallout 3 you couldn’t even attack a child character.

Sometimes even I am amazed by something’s offensive qualities. Well done.

There’s a shit load of scans of Fallout: New Vegas over at All Games Beta. The only thing is that it’s from a German magazine. I don’t speak German, but it looks as ugly in print as it sounds ugly while spoken.

I’m not really sold on Germany. All I know it for is really insane watersports and crazy bukkake. But they’ve provided me with these Fallout: New Vegas pictures. So bravo, guys! Now if you could just work on a language that doesn’t sound like Satan barfing up a porcupine. Word.

Head over to All Games Beta for all the pictures.

Here’s the truth, one of my favorite activities in Mass Effect 2 is trying to get into the pants of Yeoman Chambers. She’s the adorable little brunette deckhand who is always telling me when I have messages at my terminal. As well, she always seems to find a reason to be slightly bent over her own computer, inviting the inevitable stare at her bum.

It’s nice.

Nice.

Through one and a half playthroughs of the game, I ain’t had sex with no one. Eerily, this game echoes the majority of my real life. When I first stepped aboard the Normany, I was DTF, man. Down. To. Fuck. I was macking on everyone like I was going to die tomorrow. I was dropping all sorts of sexy cavalier poems in the hopes of getting everyone to see just how fleeting this beautiful life was. We ain’t got time for jibber-jabber, we gotta fuck! I’m poetical, fuck!

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

Carpe diem? I need to carpe that ass!

I think I overplayed my hand, though. I rolled up aboard the Normandy, and I was practically dry-humping the FTL console. Krogans, quarians, men, women, tentacles, it didn’t matter. I wanted that shit. And for that, I will pay the ultimate consequence; Kelly Chambers, obviously of a high quality of virtue and not to be a pawn, won’t talk to me no moh’.

MOTHERFRAKER.

Now? Now I’m stuck probably hate-fucking Jacob. Yeah, I’m playing as a chick, what of it? I’m typical, man. I’m just a dude, who secretly wishes he was a lesbian. I’m like, you know, the other zillion fanboys out there. Jacob’s a nice guy and all, but he really doesn’t do anything for me. Maybe because he looks like Kanye West, or maybe because he’s a void of emotion. Listen, Jacob. I know I hit the town like a fucking gangbuster, and I was practically salivating at the crotch bulge of your super-space-suit, but fuck man, I need to snuggle with whoever I’m tappin’. I know if I settle down with you for some fluid-sloshing, you’re just going to be back in the armory in like ten minutes.

I AM NOT AN OBJECT. Well, I might be, but that’s not all I am.

I’m not going to be complete until I finally consummate my thang with Yeoman Chambers. I don’t care how many playthroughs it takes. I’ll reform. I’ll stop trying to get Thane to meet me in the women’s restroom. Honest. I promise. Because you’re special, Kelly. The rest of those humans, aliens, and artificial lifeforms I’ve been trying to fuck? They’ve just been there to try and take you off my mind.

Xoxo.

Oh shit! Super Mario-Guy is droppin’ on Uranus with a squishy Yoshi grunt this May! Kapow! I’m stoked.

Via Destructoid:

Mario Galaxy 2, the long-awaited sequel to Mario Galaxy, is hitting North America on May 23.

Shazam!

I really dug the original Super Mario Galaxy. It’s a testament to the delicious allure of gameplay, and studly plumbers whose mustaches I would like to caress. Who cares if it was on the Wii, which is like the 32x of Nintendo consoles. It’s like two Gamecubes duct-taped together and asked to over-perform, with a superfluous masturbatory peripheral.

Better yet, Galaxy 2 is bringing back Yoshi, who was sadly absent from the original. What is Mario, if he doesn’t have his indentured dinosaur servant? Nothing! I mean, who else is he going to cruelly ride, demand to suck up everything around him, and throw into pits? He was lost!

I’m ready to get up on this pig this May.

Sega is dropping Sonic 4 on our asses this year. It’s a whole bit of trippy. For starters, it’s going to be released episodically. And they’re calling it Sonic 4, despite the fact that since Sonic & Knuckles came out sixteen years ago…

…Wait a second, Sonic & Knuckles came out sixteen years ago? Holy fucking shit. That sucks. What the fuck is going on? 1994 was that long ago? Jesus Christ. It feels like just yesterday I was rubbing my boner confusedly on my bedroom floor while staring at Mileena’s tits in my Mortal Kombat II strategy guide.

And now? Now I’m doing the same fucking thing and I have nothing to show for it!

But yeah, since then, they’ve released a zillion games. From Sonic Adventure to Sonic And A Pack of Douchebags to Sonic The Werewolf Asshole, they’ve all missed the mark. So they’re stripping the game down to what we’ve only wanted for the past decade and a half. We want to run really fucking fast, through loops, in a 2D side-scroller.

And now we can.

Check out the video to either:

1. Feel old as shit, or
2. Be too young to appreciate it, and be like, what the fuck is a Sonic the Hedgehog?

Here’s the thing. Despite some of my disappointment regarding Mass Effect 2, I am woefully addicted to it. And here’s another thing, I’m a fucking asshole. So when I heard that you could get DLC for Mass Effect 2 from cups at 7-Eleven, I knew I had to buy them. It was some team-up with Dr. Pepper, or something, or something. I have no idea. They’re just shitty helmets or something, but it didn’t matter. Because I’m an asshole. And the worst part is, I am so against getting nickle and dimed like this, and yet I give into it.

There’s a code per cup, and I needed like, obviously, all of them. I contemplated triple-stacking a cup, and passing it off as one Double Gulp of the Diet Pepsi. You know, Lil’ Wayne style, screwed-up on two-cups. But then the better, God-fearing side of me kicked in. I walked up to the counter and I asked the guy, can I buy a cup? He nodded his head and smiled. For some reason, I tried to explain to him why I was an asshole.

Yeah, I play this video game [not explaining what game] and they’ve got codes.

He smiled. I’m sure he had no idea what he was talking about. I left the store victorious.

I’m an asshole.

Twenty-seven hours into Mass Effect 2, and I’ll write something up when I’m finished. For now, this dialogue choice encapsulates my experience of the game.

Bioware geeks, rejoice in the resplendent glory of the Mass Effect 2 launch trailer. What happens in it? I don’t fucking know! I try to keep my exposure to everything ME2-relate to a minimum. Having lost my virginity at the age of thirty-nine, that’s right, twelve years in the future, I know a thing or two about waiting. But for those of you gluttons for awesome, check it out.

I’m guessing it’ll make you squirt the fluid happy.