One of the dopest things about Final Fantasy XIII for me so far is the battle system. It’s perfectly suited for my caffeine-soaked brain. It’s hyper-kinetic, and has you all over the place. I’m all WHOOSH WHOOSH PARADIGM SHIFT HEAL HEAL WHOOSH WHOOSH BACK TO KICKING ASS. Sometimes I lament the fact that I cannot control who is the party leader yet, and I also lament the fact that I cannot intervene and take control of the automated douchebags in my party. But other than that, it’s right up my alley. I like the fact that it has you hopping in and out or formations to suit the situation, and it feels like that concept compensates for the lack of autonomy you have over your other party members.

PARADIGM SHIFT.

More shit is barfing up about the first paid Mass Effect 2 DLC, Kasumi’s Memory.

First off, would you believe it, the female character is hot? I know, right? Totally a shocker. Apparently in the Mass Effect universe, everyone is gorgeous looking, or at least in great shape. It doesn’t matter if you’re a politician, an archealogist, or a soldier, you’re fucking hot. You got abs like what, and dumps like a truck.

Secondly, the shit teases our e-dongs with hints of Earth again.

Take it away Kotaku, you beautiful fuck!

This DLC is Mass Effect’s ode to James Bond. It is an undercover slip into a formal-attire-required party at the estate of the shady Donovan Hock, mixed with a bit of schmoozing, a safe that needs cracking and then gunfire. There is a vault in this 90-minute level. It contains statues of familiar characters and two of the most popular statues from Earth: Michelangelo’s David and the Statue of Liberty.

Oh shiznit! Some vault has the fucking Statue of Liberty? I assume they’ve been saving Earth’s fate for the final installment of their first trilogy, but I’m assuming that nothing good has become of it.

And I fucking love vaults with hidden treasure, don’t you? Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales was always my hero, because the dude could swim in gold coins. Every good universe needs some vault with awesome artifacts to be plundered by Nicholas Cage. Seriously.

I go ape shit for anything Mass Effect, and for those of you who don’t dig the universe, I’m probably driving you crazy. So to entertain you, and make this post worthwhile, I’d like to offer you something awesome:

Apparently Bioware has announced their first batch of paid DLC for Mass Effect 2. Previously all their DLC was free for those of us who picked the game up at release through their nifty Cerberus pipeline. So now we have to pay? What the fuck! The balls! I’m actually okay with it, as long as it doesn’t blow. So far the DLC that’s dropped for ME2 has felt like either afterthoughts and bullshit   like the Normandy crash site; or shit that was intended to be in the game but cut to generate “DLC”, like Zaeed. I haven’t been really impressed. And while I am excited for the next batch of free DLC this month, I think I’m even more excited for Kasumi’s Memory.

Via Destructoid:

The content, which can be launched at any point during the narrative, can be divided into two themed swathes. The first half is exploration-based. The space Rogue Kasumi is seeking an item of value that is tucked deep in a bent rare-item collector’s vault. To get access, Shepard must travel to the collector’s house party, mingle, and discover where exactly that vault actually is. The second half is an escalating series of battles against mechs and soldiers after discovering the object.
Kasumi is, of course, a recruit for the suicide mission (or even after). And the best part is that she hits with fresh moves — the hippest being “Shadowcloak,” the space version of a “backstab.” But   more compelling than the addition of a thief and new moves is the fresh art. The rare item collector has a host of historical items in his house and vault, each lovingly crafted by BioWare’s artists. But The mansion, even the formal wear are all newly-created assets as well.

Fucking jawesome, bro! I’m a total and complete whore for Mass Effect 2. I spent the last two months playing through it non-stop. The only breaks I took from it were to look out the window of my basement dungeon and pine for a universe where I could get a drink in some intergalactic bar. I’m not a total nerd, but when I contemplate the fact that aliens aren’t real, I’ll never get to shout “JUMP” as someone flips an FTL switch, or go to the Citadel, I get mildly suicidal. Which is sort of par for the course.

Shit drops April 6.

You have to give it up to Square Enix. They don’t even try to be subtle in their hyper-sexualizing of teenagers in Final Fantasy XIII. Sometimes FFXIII feels like a copy of Barely Legal for overweight and underweight nerds.

At first I thought I was just a big pervert when I began playing Final Fantasy XIII. I mean, once Vanille was on screen, my parts engorged and I was like, why am I so attracted to this polygonal teenager? I thought to myself that it’s probably because I’m a fat nerdboy who also suffers from a laundry list of mental impairments. She was there on screen, all being cute, but scantily clad with skin everywhere. God dammit!, I thought to myself. This is how it starts.

But then I was saved! You see, Final Fantasy XIII wants to me to get a hard-on for the near jailbait! I realized it pretty early into the game. When the gang of douchebags get branded for their Focus or whatever, and they’re turned into L’Cie, there’s this moment where they’re all showing where they’ve been branded. I’m sort of half-paying attention as they show their brands, and then Vanille shows hers. It’s all the way up her thigh, right next to her ass. Which she reveals by pulling up her skirt, revealing pure, milky goodness. Jesus Christ I thought, this is exactly what they want! I was relieved, and continued playing, not bothering to put my pants back on.

I own this dumb shit already. It’s called my Wii. It sits unused gathering dust while I use two systems that aren’t predicated on gimmicky motion control bullshit. The only time I want to be furiously working my wrists is when I’m pleasuring myself or a partner. I’m going to probably end up buying this anyways. Oh well.

My friend Buddy and I have been friends for ten years, and the two of us are legitimate Final Fantasy fanboys. In fact, we met on a Final Fantasy message board. We’ve been texting back and forth as we play, and this a good indication of some of my initial feelings. I’m in green, Buddy is in gray. I also spell fal’Cie wrong, because it isn’t a word constructed by humans, but rather by grammatical devils.

I picked up Final Fantasy XIII last night at midnight, and I figure I’d fire off my initial impressions. There’s a lot to get into, but the most resounding thing so far is that the story is retarded. Now, I’m only in the first chapter, and I’d like to emphasize it could and probably will get better.

But so far, I don’t think I’ve ever been this apathetic towards the characters in the beginning of a Final Fantasy before.

Everything is overwrought and ridiculous. Everyone is crying and making epic proclamations and acting like emo kids. The problem is that I’m not invested in these characters yet, and so when they cry and the dramatic music swells, I just roll my eyes. I’m all for in medias res, but so far the narrative is fractured between three different strands, and all of them are vague and insubstantial. Terms are getting thrown around, everyone is chasing down a loved one, and I’m standing in the middle of the room yelling WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

I expect the storyline to get better, but I think I would be caring more if they didn’t throw me into some overblown confrontation while never bothering to get me invested in the characters, or the complicated mechanics of the game’s world. If I don’t know the characters, and I have to dive into a glossary every four seconds just to decipher the ridiculous names for everything, I’m going to be more confused than empathetic.

Came across more Fallout: New Vegas pictures courtesy of All Games Beta via PC Gamer scans. In a post Final Fantasy XIII / Mass Effect 2 world, there’s nothing I’m more excited for. I recently cracked open Fallout 3, of which I still haven’t done a shitload, and I remembered why I loved it so much. There’s something so hauntingly enjoyable about wandering a decimated, desolate land.

I’m ready to rock. At first I was hesitant, since it isn’t being developed by Bethesda, but rather by Obsidian. And if I hold Obsidian accountable for anything, it’s churning out the shitty sequel to Knights of the Old Republic, and ruining my Star Wars dreams. However, I didn’t realize that the motherfuckers at Obsidian include the founder of the team who made the original Fallout.

Well then! Alright, let’s rock. Head over to All Games Beta for all the scans.

The reckoning is upon me! The day I have been waiting for! As prophesied by uh, release dates and press releases. Final Fantasy XIII. Shit be droppin’ off at midnight, and I’ll be standing there in line with sweaty nerd palms.

There’s nothing more I can say about this game until I’ve actually played it, other than I’m stoked and my genitals swell at the thought of playing it. If you find me passed out in a pile of Diet Mountain Dew cans and covered in Chez-It crumbs, just leave me be. Spring Break kicks off for me tomorrow, and I have a date with a Playstation 3 and Bahamut.

I can’t even begin to wrap my dome around the idea that Final Fantasy XIII is coming out here on the mainland of the Empire on Tuesday. Tuesday. It’s really fucking real! No tricksies! I imagine if not already, sometime soon, copies of this son of a bitch will begin arriving in Gamestops and other retailers. Sitting there in the backroom, wait to be unwrapped and inserted by sweaty fanboys like myself.

Sometimes you wait for something for so long; like me sweating to lose my virginity, and when it finally happens, you’re like, no, seriously? It almost seems surreal. I don’t think I’m going to register that I’m actually playing Final Fantasy XIII until I emerge from my basement dungeon on Tuesday, ten hours into my first playthrough.

I told myself I was only sort-of excited about the game after all the reports of Tunnel Horror began to come out, but I can’t help it. I’m fucking stoked. Really stoked. My cardboard cut-out of Lightning has been sitting in the corner of my room, and I can’t help but glance at her and crack a smile. Even if she’s been bad.

I haven’t kissed her in a while because she told me that Rinoa was hotter than Yuna, and that really pissed me off. But maybe if she behaves herself, I’ll go give her a little smooch. Until then, I have begun smashing furiously (get your mind out of the gutter) on my keyboard, conjuring up my initial fanfiction where Lightning and Wakka team up to fight Sephiroth, of course! You’re only cool if you fight Sephiroth.

Tuesday!

Conveniently, my Spring Break begins on Tuesday. I have class Tuesday night, and I know I’m just going to be doodling totally awesome and realistic versions of Snow being all naked-chested and fighting dragons and stuff and little word balloons that say stuff like, this is pretty fucking easy, but it would be even easier if Ian was oiling my chest! And then I’ll be in the picture just like, nodding my head and winking. Meanwhile, my Women’s Voices teacher will be all like, Oh Women Were So Crafty Because They Wrote Plays and it will just drone on and on and on, and I’ll be counting the time until I can sit next to Cardboard Lightning on my futon and start playing again.

Tuesday!