Cock teasing galore! How many times has a fanboy like myself gotten excited about some hint or reference to a Final Fantasy VII remake? Like, a zillion!

Via Kotaku:

Final Fantasy VII character designer mentioned the prospects   of a FFVII remake, and then FFVII game director Yoshinori Kitase mentioned   how he was never tired of answering questions about FFVII remakes. Now?When asked by game site Siliconera which game FFXIII director Motomu Toriyama would want to remake, he replied, “That would be Final Fantasy VII!””If we had the manpower and the time to work on a project, if we were to remake Final Fantasy VII with the quality of Final Fantasy XIII it would become a tremendous project,” Toriyama continued. “If we can get the number of people we need by all means that would be the one I would really want to remake.”

I have no idea why it hasn’t been done. It’s something like permission to print ludicrous amounts of money. People like me would lose our fucking minds. All my old masturbatory dreams involving Tifa and materia anal beads would be rekindled. C’mon Kitase you, let’s get this shit done. I’ll volunteer as intern. Bring you coffee or whatever and comment that Cloud needs to “look really cool” and Sephiroth needs to “really stab Aeris done well.”

My only experience with the Splinter Cell franchise came around nine years ago in my friend Gary’s room. He had just bought it, and I was curious as what it held. I thought it would be bad ass; I mean, I fucking loved sneaking! Old/Solid/Liquid/Naked/Whatever-Snake and I had rocked out forever. Well, I was let down. Let down like woah. I played it for ten minutes, didn’t feel it, and declared rather ingeniously, “This is like Metal Gay Solid!”

Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten any wittier since.

All the hype around Splinter Cell: Conviction had me geeked out on trying it. Ubisoft went out of there way to assuage people like me, informing us this wasn’t the normal lame ass Sam Fisher we were used to. And those motherfuckers weren’t kidding. The Splinter Cell: Conviction demo is icy hot.

It’s a scientific fact that the only thing cooler than kicking ass is kicking ass while having gone rogue. And our boy Fisher is rogue. Way rogue.

I have this unhealthy habit of giggling while inflicting manslaughter and blood-inducing in video games. And the demo had be giggling immediately. The game thrusts you into the shoes of Fisher in some shitty bathroom, and you are given the option to interrogate some typically skeevy bald dude. Why are 75% of bad guys skeevy and bald headed? Well, the dope part is that interrogation in this game involves hitting the B button. Mundane? Naw kid! ‘Cause you grab this douche-nozzle by the throat. Tapping B allows you to afflict a variety of ass-whuppings on the dude.

At one point I smashed his skull into a mirror, and then followed it up by dinging his dumb head out on the sink.

It was awesome.

I’m also feeling the combat system. A lot. It’s a nice twist on the whole sneaking bullshit. At this point in my life, I’m pretty fucking sick of Super-Duper-Snake and his clunky as fuck controls. I preferred sneaking as Mr. Nathan “Polygonal Sex” Drake, or Brucey Wayne in Arkham Asylum.

It’s some sort of weird riff on combo points. If you sneak behind a dude and perform a stealth kill, you gain the ability to execute some motherfuckers bullet-stylee. There’s something arousingly gratifying about this. Sneak behind a dude and lay him out; then target a couple of assholes and hit the execute command. Bodies be droppin’.

Wallet and time be damned, this demo sold my ass on the game. It’s also flashy as fuck and I love how they’ve integrated objectives into the scenery. I ain’t never felt Sammy Fisher before, but they’ve won be over with a demo. It’s amazing the power of a well-crafted demo. You fuckers win.

I always thought it was some kind of bullshit that the douchebags at Midway replaced the actor who played Liu Kang in the first two Mortal Kombat games when they made MK3. I mean, who the fuck is this Eddie Wong? Dude, no offense, but get the fuck out of here. We all know that Ho Sung Pak is the Liu Kang. He’s the guy we bonded with! I mean, god damn! We went through two tournaments locked in mortal combat with this guy, and you just expect to waltz up and steal our hearts?

Forget all the retarded shit from Mortal Kombat 3 for a second. Forget Stryker, and Sindel and Nightwolf. The real fucking travesty was this jabroni trying to supplant our boy as Liu Kang.

I fucking miss world maps in Final Fantasy titles. A lot. They ain’t really been around since what, Final Fantasy IX? And with Final Fantasy XIII turning into one long-ass corridor for like a zillion hours, I despaired that we would never see one again. Well, we’re getting one in Final Fantasy XIII Versus.

via Andriasang:

Question: How far along is Versus?

Answer: Not everything is connected together, so the various areas have different levels of progress. However, you can fly across the world map in an air ship.

Yes.com

I picked up Modern Warfare 2 last night for the first time in months. Four, to be precise. And I actually didn’t suck! Alright, that’s a lie. What I meant to say is that I didn’t suck anymore than   I had when I last played it. This is a tremendous relief, since I put in a good amount of time improving myself to the point of just less than adequate. Phew!

Last night, I realized something while I was playing. I realized that I play my best when I blow my whole load. Of ammo. Duh. Like, my clip. You see, I can’t aim for shit. And often, I try and present myself as an adequate player. What a dumb idea! I’ll slowly aim, draw my sights on someone. And then by the time my fat fingers finally have them within my scope, I’m dead.

Dead, done, decimated.

So I said to myself, Drinkwater, you need a new strategy. Blow your whole load.

And it works! It really works. Blowing my whole load works. No trying to keep it in, to save face and be talented. Naw dude, I got to go the extra mile. At first I didn’t want to be that guy, spraying everywhere. It looks ridiculous, and it usually ends up with me on my back. But who the fuck cares, a kill is a kill, right?

And ever since I began just really firing away, I’ve noticed that I’ve actually begun to kill people. It’s sort of neat. Sure, it takes an entire round to finally drop the dude, but whatever. As well, I hope it’s especially demoralizing when they see me taking them out on the post-death Kill Cam. I’m just some asshole spraying everywhere. As usual.

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Kratos is coming, and he’s fucking pissed. Still. He tried therapy once, but ended up just gouging the dude’s eye out and stamping it into mush. Wait, I think that was actually the thirteen-thousand cyclops he has run through in his travels. Either way.

I rocked out to the God of War III demo back in November and threw it aside with a resounding MEH! The graphics weren’t the second coming I was promised, and the gameplay was the same button-mashing, air-juggling bullshit that I had romped through in the first two games. Mind you, these were games I had enjoyed, but had already gotten my fill of.

Now though?

Now I’m fucking amplified, bro! How can I have a change of heart? Well, there’s a few reasons.

On a superficial level, apparently I wasn’t alone in thinking the graphics were less than mind-fucking in the demo. And better yet these emo complaints were addressed. For the actual game looks far more pimpin’ than the demo. There’s all sorts of complicated terms like Light Density Shadowing and Renderistic Manipulation of Polygonal Testicles and shit going on to explain why they look nicer. I don’t really care why, I’m just happy they do. I’m a superficial douchebag, okay? I got my HDTV, I got my 5.1 system, and I want a bass line so fiercely cranked through my subwoofer I void my bowls into my underpants willingly.

And secondly, let’s be honest. The God of War franchise has never been fantastic because of its base gameplay. The running around and smashing useless enemies thing never blew your pants off. Instead, what got your juices flowing all over your inner thighs were the action sequences. Whether it was fucking up the Hydra in the original game, or uh, doing something in the sequel, the games’ awesomeness were derived from the set pieces. The gameplay inbetween these sequences really don’t serve any purpose for me other than to guide me from one epic confrontation to the next.

Ain’t none of that found in the demo. Ain’t none. So while I was initially disappointed, I did some soul searching. And I came to the conclusion that while I found the regular gameplay highly repetitious, I always had. Realizing this in my heart of hearts, I came to the conclusion that there would certainly be the sort of sequences in the game that had blown me away in the previous two. I had to chill out, man. I had to relax.

This has all been confirmed by people who have gotten to play the game already. What a bag of dicks, those lucky ones. The general consensus is that the game is insane, and the first level will force-fuck your awesome gland until it’s flinging fluids everywhere. All the reviews gleam, I already informed FFXIII we were going to take a quick break, and I’m ready to rock at midnight.

Caught this promo picture. I’m totally sold on Playstation Move now. Why? Well, it’s simple! We have these two rejects from an Old Navy ad. And they’re swinging around Super-Future-Dildos, accompanied by that awesome effect Fox used for a while on hockey games. I want dildos with pink motion blur, god dammit!

I already thought it was creepy how hyper-sexualized Vanille is in Final Fantasy XIII. Then tonight, I noticed something. Every time Vanille casts a spell, she sounds like a Japanese porn actress. Like, no, really. I’m not making that up. And worst of all? I don’t really enjoy it. I find it unsettling.

This has to do with the fact that Japanese porn actresses always sound like eleven year-old girls getting fucked by their gym teacher in porn scenes. High-pitched, slightly resigned yelps. It’s freaking me the fuck out. It’s enough to get me to not enjoy Japanese porn, which is a feat considering I’m a fucking pervert. And it’s also enough to make me really uncomfortable playing as her in Final Fantasy XIII. Every time I cast Fira, it sounds like a fucking girl is getting molested.

[source]

OMFGEjaculate.