Final Fantasy XIII: Tuesday, Fluids Shall Be Leaked

Giant Snow (Dong)

I can’t even begin to wrap my dome around the idea that Final Fantasy XIII is coming out here on the mainland of the Empire on Tuesday. Tuesday. It’s really fucking real! No tricksies! I imagine if not already, sometime soon, copies of this son of a bitch will begin arriving in Gamestops and other retailers. Sitting there in the backroom, wait to be unwrapped and inserted by sweaty fanboys like myself.

Sometimes you wait for something for so long; like me sweating to lose my virginity, and when it finally happens, you’re like, no, seriously? It almost seems surreal. I don’t think I’m going to register that I’m actually playing Final Fantasy XIII until I emerge from my basement dungeon on Tuesday, ten hours into my first playthrough.

I told myself I was only sort-of excited about the game after all the reports of Tunnel Horror began to come out, but I can’t help it. I’m fucking stoked. Really stoked. My cardboard cut-out of Lightning has been sitting in the corner of my room, and I can’t help but glance at her and crack a smile. Even if she’s been bad.

I haven’t kissed her in a while because she told me that Rinoa was hotter than Yuna, and that really pissed me off. But maybe if she behaves herself, I’ll go give her a little smooch. Until then, I have begun smashing furiously (get your mind out of the gutter) on my keyboard, conjuring up my initial fanfiction where Lightning and Wakka team up to fight Sephiroth, of course! You’re only cool if you fight Sephiroth.


Conveniently, my Spring Break begins on Tuesday. I have class Tuesday night, and I know I’m just going to be doodling totally awesome and realistic versions of Snow being all naked-chested and fighting dragons and stuff and little word balloons that say stuff like, this is pretty fucking easy, but it would be even easier if Ian was oiling my chest! And then I’ll be in the picture just like, nodding my head and winking. Meanwhile, my Women’s Voices teacher will be all like, Oh Women Were So Crafty Because They Wrote Plays and it will just drone on and on and on, and I’ll be counting the time until I can sit next to Cardboard Lightning on my futon and start playing again.