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Son of a bitch, you’re saying I may actually have to go to fucking Kmart? There are no words.

Destructoid:

Bethesda has something strange going on with retailer Kmart. With a $5 purchase of the Fallout coaster set seen above, you will get a $15 Video Game Savings coupon that will be redeemable the week of the Fallout: New Vegas release. It’s like a strangely worded pre-order offer with bonus gift. Who cares how it goes down, though. It’s Fallout coasters!

What a weird and strangely enticing promotion. Now, as far as Big Box Middle-America-Smashing Uber-Juggernaut stores go, I’m a Target man myself. But now? Well, Kmart is throwing down the gauntlet. Fighting cheaply, rubbing Fallout: New Vegas goodies in my face.

Frak.

I keep forgetting that Vanquish is coming out this year. And that makes me a lesser person. Straight-up lesser. But then things drop like this new trailer, and not only do I remember it is arriving this year, but I remember the priapismatic pain everything about the game induces in me. Perhaps I keep forgetting that Mikami’s new lovechild is arriving out of some sort of survival-mechanism-fail-safe. Should I continue to remember, I would shut down, incapable of functioning at such a high level of excitement.

Hit the jump to check out the latest trailer. Believe.

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[pixelation | weekly gaming & life column every wednesday or uh thursday]

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Evan King never stood a chance, that poor son of a bitch. The tragic part was as he lay vaporized in a pile of his own mush-guts, was that it was all for nothing. I stood over him, rummaging through his belongings looking for his motherfucking house key.

Fuggin’ nothing. Inconsequential bullshit to the point where I don’t even remember what was in those shitty wasteland pants. But it wasn’t his fucking house key, that’s for sure.

One self-particlized stupid son of a bitch, a town cowering in fear, and my karmic meter droppin’ like woah.

Shit had gone downhill quickly.

Let me fill you in.

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Batman: Arkham Asylum was one of my favorite video games of last year. Going around kicking ass as the god damn Batman? Win. And now we have a title for the sequel, Batman: Arkham City. Well then. Apparently they didn’t learn shit from what happened at Arkham, let’s fill an entire city! with sociopaths. Just kidding. I assume there’s going to be some sort of outbreak that allows the douchery to flood into Gotham proper.

Kotaku:

The sequel, in development by Rocksteady Studios, has players taking Batman into Arkham City, the new maximum security home for all of Gotham City’s criminals. This new prison is described as a heavily fortified walled-prison in the heart of Gotham City.

The game will include story that “draws together a new all-star cast of classic characters and murderous villains from the Batman universe, as well as a vast range of new and enhanced gameplay features to deliver the ultimate experience as the Dark Knight,” according to the press release.

Super-dope-time. If you peep closely, I think you can see Two-Face in the background of the Game Informer cover, which, of course, gets me percolating.

Fuck the Kinect! This shit is the real deal here! You don’t need no karate kicks here! Waterloo Labs, through some sort of scientific witchcraft have designed a way for people to play Super Mario Bros. using only their eyes. Yeah, it involves a shitload of electrodes and other creepy shit, but still! Super Mario Bros.! With your eyes! Believe!

Hit the jump to check out the video.

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One of the dopest things about the Mass Effect universe, and there are numerous points of dopeness, is that it is a sustained universe across installments. Shit you do in the original game affected the universe of the second, and all the decisions from the first two will once again alter the landscape of your individual Mass Effect 3 experience. After awhile, all the various variables have to add up, right? Yeah dude, they’re adding up like woah. Mass Effect 3 is going to have to consider 1,000+ variables.

Good god damn.

Destructoid:

If you’ve been Mass Effecting since the beginning, you’ll know that your path is totally different from the next guy’s, and that your decisions continue to affect situations into the next game. And now into the third game, Mass Effect 3. Bioware says that gamers will see their stories continue, and that things are getting a little crazy now with over 1,000 story variations lined up.

“Numerically, it’s over 1,000 variables that we’ll have access to for shaping the Mass Effect 3 experience for people who’ve played the previous games,” Bioware’s Casey Hudson told PC Zone magazine.

God bless those coding-type wizard-people who work at BioWare. I can’t even account for marginal Algebra II. But I tip my cap to ya’ll. It’s great being able to see a universe that I’ve sculpted continue through an entire series. From douchebags that I’ve chosen to kill, to my own customized appearance, it’s enjoyable like wut.

So yeah, get coding. Slackers.

I haven’t beaten Final Fantasy XIII yet, but I’ve played Fallout 3 and the Mass Effect series until my eyes have bled. So you can imagine how I feel about the JRPG/Bethesda & Bioware divide. Which is why this advertisement makes me giggle like a little fanboy. Giggle, giggle!

Andriasang:

Says one, “A game where you just follow the scenario is like living life on rails.”

Another: “What’s the point of playing again if there’s no change to the story.”

The girl to the left: “When did games become something that you watch?”

The tall one in back: “I think it would be nice if the main character had a mission aside from just wiping out evil.”

Suggests the one sitting in front: “”The world has been prepared. After that, you’re free to do as you please!”

Now, I don’t know how well this sort of advertisement will go over in Japan, where its directed. They obviously love them some JRPG. But for a dork like me who just wants to run around an open world, free from groan-inducing pronouncements and hand-holding, its pure nerd cattiness.

Starcraft 2 came out week. Did you know? If you’re reading this site, and it isn’t at knife point, then you’re in the know. Everyone knew. What we now know is that the game is the fastest-selling strategy game. Ever.

Destructoid:

Not surprisingly, it seems that Blizzard Entertainment’s StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty is doing really well at retail. Okay, not just really well — according to Blizzard, it’s the “fastest-selling strategy game of all time.”

Here’s what that means: over the course of the first 48 hours, more than 1.5 million copies of StarCraft II were sold. The number is comprised of worldwide sales; the game saw release in North America, Europe, South Korea, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, Brazil, Chile, Argentina, Singapore, Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand, the Philippines, certain regions of Taiwan, Hong Kong, and Macau. So, yeah, a lot of people had the opportunity to buy StarCraft II last week.

The Force is strong with Blizzard. Even for geeks like me who have never played an RTS, and have no patience, there is still the strong desire to buy it. Why? My only explanation for my desire to buy it is that Blizzard is my master, and to not procure it would be to face censure from They Who Own My Gaming Soul.

The dictator of Activision Bobby Kotick is a grand mal douchebag. We all know that already. What I didn’t know, however, was that he was involved in charges of unlawful rump-tickling and unwanted sexual advances. It makes sense, given his previously estimated levels of doucheosity. Intrigued? Here you go.

Kotaku:

Activision boss Bobby Kotick has lost a legal stoush with renowned lawyer Patricia Glaser over a 2007 sexual harassment case involving Kotick’s private jet and one of its former flight attendants.

Kotick and Andrew Gordon, the head of the LA branch of Goldman Sachs investment bankers, run a company called Cove Management, which was created to essentially run a private jet the two men co-owned. One of their pilots was a man by the name of Phil Berg.

Anyway, it was alleged by Cynthia Madvig, a former flight attendant on the jet, that in 2006 Berg pressured her into being his “arm candy”; in other words, a public escort, someone to join him at dinner parties and the like. Madvig declined, at which Berg allegedly “set out to make life miserable” for her, including one instance where she says he made her clean the plane’s toilet while he stood there “leering” at her.

…Kotick & Gordon have ended up paying Glaser’s firm more than they paid Madvig; Madvig settled out for court for $200,000 (plus $475,000 for legal fees), while a court last year ruled that Kotick & Gordon had significantly under-paid Glaser, and awarded her $938,458 (plus $479,898 in fees).

Take that, Kotick! Seriously though, this came out of left field, but only goes on to confirm what I’ve known: Bobby Kotick is El Diablo.

Source: Mad Gear Solid

Hell yeah! You have to give it up to crotch-infused Soviet power! There’s something to be said for thick, gorgeous swatches of chest hair, Hammer & Sickle thunder, and most importantly, spinning lariats of doom. Blanka knows. You do too. Embrace it.