#Video Games
‘CANDY CRUSH’ outgrosses ALL NINTENDO GAMES COMBINED in Q1
Candy Crush outgrossed Nintendo in Q1. Outgrossed an entire company. I don’t want to dump on Nintendo, especially since I’m sweating Mario Kart 8 so hard. Someone. Just send me your Wii U. I’ll reciprocate by sending you toe nail clippings, and three already-worn (to the gym, bed, and the sewer) Star Wars t-shirts. Anyways, yeah. I don’t want to dump on Nintendo, so let’s frame this as an example of how goddamn staggering the mobile gaming market has become.
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‘MIGHTY NO. 9’ Gameplay Footage: A Mega (Man) Nostalgia Boner
Watching this footage of Mighty No. 9, I can’t help be like, “Capcom, you fucked up.” It’s goddamn Mega Man But Not Mega Man porn. Gorgeous, frenetic platforming by Keiji Inafune and company. Mind-boggling why the company didn’t give the dude the keys to pull this shit off with the Franchise Proper. But at this point WHO FUCKING CARES. New Mega Not Mega Man is coming. A robot by any other name, amirite? #ShakespeareReference #Erudition?NawImDumb
Take-Two CEO: More ‘BIOSHOCK’ and ‘RED DEAD’ games planned
Take-Two’s CEO (whose name I’m not looking up right now) recently confirmed that his company, in fact, does like money. The Executive-Lord of Take-Two confirmed such a fact by announcing that the company plans on continuing two really fucking successful franchises. Red Dead Redemption and BioShock. Perhaps naively, and forgetting that companies like money, I was surprised about the whole BioShock thing.
‘PROJECT BEAST’ Leaked Footage: From Software’s New Horror
From the people who brought us the psyche-smashing, spirit-breaking Demon/Dark Souls franchise comes this sexy batch of leaked footage. “Project Beast” is its working title, and whether or not its part of the aforementioned franchise remains to be seen. What is evident though is that From Software is bringing some batch of pants-tightening, palms-sweating, hyphen-hyphening gaming goodness to the PS4.
‘BORDERLANDS: THE PRE-SEQUEL’ Trailer: HANDSOME JACK x OZYMANDIAS
Ah, Borderlands. Don’t ever fucking change. The franchise is already absurd. The title for the forthcoming game is doubly absurd. And now having Handsome Jack recite a narcissistically-altered rendition of that poem Walter White wrote (heh) for Breaking Bad, “Ozymandias?” Absurdity+++
Sony CEO thinks PS4 will exceed PS2 profits. BIG WORDS, BRO
Kaz Hirai ain’t fucking around! Surfing the PS4’s excellent sales like they were a mescaline-and-codeine wave of narcotic hyperbole, the motherfucker is tripping all sorts of arrogant balls. Proclaiming that the PS4’s profits will exceed that of the wunderkind PS2. Dream big, bro. Do drugs, bro. Take off your pants in a Walmart, bro. Right in the electronics section. Stick a Dual Shock 4 straight up your ass, yelling “I made this! It can go where I want it to!” The world is yours.
‘EVOLVE’ bringing monster mayhem this OCTOBER
Fuck yes! Don’t despair, fellow owners of next-generational consolation machinery. This Fall is stacking up to to be the meaty-dong thrust that we’ve been anticipating. Eyes hungry, gamer-holes eager. The latest to line-up for the Autumnal wallet gangbang is Evolve.
ZeniMax is taking OCULUS VR to court. If only Oculus had a rich backer.
We’ve reported before on ZeniMax being a bit pissed at some of their tech being ninja’d as John Carmack left the company for Oculus. Now they pissed. Talking court. Go ahead, ZeniMax. Take Oculus VR to court. Motherfuckers are owned by Facebook, which means to me that they’re pretty much comfortable sitting in a court room and farting on piles of cash for as long as it takes. But hey, I’ll bring the popcorn. Slap fight for a bit. The world is watching.
‘BATMAN: ARKHAM KNIGHT’ GAMEPLAY TRAILER: Gotham & Bruce have a shit night
A new trailer for Batman: Arkham Knight confirms two already-understood things. First – Gotham is easily the worst fucking city in the world. Second – this game is going to be fucking fantastic.
