FELLOW Metal Heads, fucking stop! Put down Megadeth’s Endgame, and go spend the money on something productive. I see you in the aisle, with it in your hand. I’ve been there. But you don’t owe Dave Mustaine anything. I’ve enjoyed almost all of Megadeth’s albums for varying reasons. I even enjoyed their last effort, United Abominations. It had some decent songs, and the lyrics were so bad they were entertaining.

Endgame makes a good point that I hope you all pay attention to: heavier isn’t always better. Even though Endgame is heavier than probably everything since Countdown, it’s my least favorite album since The World Needs a Hero. All the riffs sound like Dave Mustaine was trying to write Rust in Piece again. The results are thrashy riffs that aren’t really memorable, and half of them sound like a rehash or tweaking of Tornado of Souls of some shit.

Amorphous, boring riffs.

Keep Reading »

Harrison Ford is talking Indiana Jones 5?

Via /Film

According to Tout Le Cine, Ford told the assembled press at Deauville that he, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have agreed on the maguffin for the fifth film. Well, my translation software doesn’t say the ‘fifth maguffin’ but the ‘fifth element’ – I hope he wasn’t just talking about the Luc Besson movie.

What the fuck. Guys. Come on. The Indiana Jones awesome to suck ratio is so friggin’ high. Don’t start diluting that. Did you ever think that there would be as mad awful Star Wars movies as there were stellar ones? Kingdom of the Crystal People With Adamantium Skulls featured Even Stevens swinging on vines with monkeys. Please. I beg you. No

It’s amazing how many people are appauled by Kanye West. Yo, I’m appauled at everyone for watching that fucking infomercial. The MTV Music Awards are like free advertising for all the shitty corporate rock on MTV. Now listen, I’m not saying he’s not a douchebag. And I’m not saying I don’t like shitty corporate music. He is, and I do. But seriously, what the fuck is the problem here?

It’s like he stormed a fucking Slap Chop commercial. Taylor Swift, some bubbly product in neat packaging will survive. She can wipe her tears with all the hundreds of thousands of dollars she has, while she gets double-penetrated by her boyfriend and her music award. Mmmm…Double Penetration.

Calm the fuck down. Who the fuck cares. I can’t believe that this is on CNN, and that like everyone’s status updates on Facebook/Twitter/MySpace/Your Mom’s boobs are ranting about this. It’s not like he’s fucking Joe Wilson interrupting a speech, or a dude crashing on stage during the Miley Cyrus concert and finger-fucking her to climax. This was a dumb corporate piece of shit advertisement.

IT’S THE FUCKING MTV MUSIC AWARDS.

I’m more offended by Kanye’s haircut. What the fuck was going on! He’s got the fucking forest maze of Kokiri from Ocarina of Time carved into his god damn skull.

I don’t think that anything makes me feel more old than my perpetually widening disconnect from pop culture. I’m like eight months away from doing the jitterbug and talking about how I remember when The Great Gatsby was released.

Evidently the VMAS were last night. I wouldn’t have known any better if it weren’t for the fact that Kanye West went and acted the fool again. Who could have suspected that? People were all OMFG, that’s so disrespectful to Taylor Swift. And I was like, “What’s a Taylor Swift?” Another Disney machination? A new American Idol abortion? Apparently she emerged from somewhere, another Happy Meal for public gorging.

But people were blown away by this corporate-package on corporate-package hate, and I wasn’t even aware who one of the parties were. I’m floating further and further into the real of the Out of Touch. It’s a frightening feeling, since all you do during your teenage years is say to yourself, I’M NOT GOING TO BE MY FATHER.

Yesterday I was walking around the mall, gazing at the storefronts. You know the shitty mannequins schilling the specific store’s slop. Pimping the wares.

Walking past Hot Topic, I was shocked. It wasn’t the shitty t-shirts and caps that blew off my skull cap. It was the fact that these pieces of crap belonged to the Insane Clown Posse.

The fucking Juggalos still live? I had no god damn idea. I thought that all the Faygo-pounding toolsheds had been put out to pasture. Just what the fuck was going on?! Had I slipped into some alternate dimension? All my friends who used to wear JNCO jeans and sport Jugga-faces have long since disavowed their face-paintery.

What the fuck! What the fuck am I missing?

I am destined to be another nerdy dad. I can see my kid now:

Keep Reading »

I hadn’t been covering Search Engine Terms lately, because there wasn’t anything new and truly extraordinary. Plus, I realized that if I want you, my friends, to be able to read my crap at work, I should probably stop posting links like “BRUCE WAYNE’S JISM NIPPLES” on Facebook. So I’ll take that into consideration. But this one is truly head-scratching:

Orifice Abuse Horizon Tentacles. Hm. I definitely know what orifice abuse is, but horizon tentacles? Huh? I got confused. Then I hit Google up, and apparently, there’s a hentai called Orifice Abuse – Horizon of Tentacles. Amazing.

And don’t think you were getting off the hook, Mr. or Mrs. World of Warcraft cumshots! What exactly where you searching for? Arthas climaxing onto Yogg-Saron? I’m sorry to disappoint. But welcome to the my adobe, I’ll treat you well.

With so many releases on the horizon, it’s easy to lose track of some real gems. Next Tuesday’ll see me blasting new Every Time I Die, Kid Cudi, Thrice, the Protest the Hero DVD and maybe, just maybe, new Megadeth (probably not). Yes, there’s a lot on my plate.

But not so much that I should have lost sight of The Great Misdirect, Between the Buried and Me’s fifth studio album. Come October 27^th we’ll finally have the follow-up to Colors, the 2007 effort that I believe to be one of the most important rock albums of the last ten years. I’m not going to ramble about why Colors is amazing — just sit down and listen (from start to finish) for yourself. If you’re not blown away on some level, I’m not sure you know what music is all about.

Other than a few studio updates and a teaser track on Myspace, BTBAM seem to be keeping The Great Misdirect under lock and key. But it was brought to my attention that a couple of new tracks were premiered live; of course, it only follows suit that some fan captured them (on what seems to be an iPhone) and uploaded them to YouTube.

The quality isn’t great, but it’s good enough. The new material presented is equal parts aggression, melody, musical showcase, straight-ahead groove and mind-bending brutality. Check out the video after the jump.

Keep Reading »

Ah, Saturdays. Slow days for Omega Level. Thankfully, I have a crew of intrepid spies who work for me overtime. And I was surprised today when I came across an e-mail in my in-box. The title was “Chris Brown’s New Song Confirms He IS A Flesh-Eating Zombie.” Weird, right? And then I heard it, and well…it’s disturbing. Let’s just put it that way. Confused, I sent off an e-mail to Brown’s PR Manager. Yeah, I got the mad connections. I received an e-mail explaining the suspicious new song:

You see, we realize that a lot of sensitive people may be upset about the fact that Chris Brown is a piece of filth. And in order to combat the knowledge that he is a woman-beating, flesh-eating monster, we could only do one thing. Try and make eating people cool.

Well, that explains it. I’m not at liberty to leak the actual .mp3, but I can tell you the title: Lemme Bite Chu. That’s right, Lemme Bite Chu. And I could get in a lot of trouble, but I’m even going to give you the chorus to the song:

Keep Reading »

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn Fucking. Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time for that search to yield our website. You’ve upped the ante, Boner-In-Hand-Nerd. Bravo.

Pepsibones and I talk about these website searches, and he was like:

It’s great that people find our site using these search terms…but it’d be nice if they actually came back.

So, if you want guys, I can start commissioning pictures of these search terms, so it’s not a total loss.

By that I mean Pepsibones, four Rockstar energy drinks, and MS Paint.

It’ll be glorious.

That awful scent wafting off of the guy wearing the Stratovarius shirt at the next convention you go to may stink of something different. No, that’s not unwashed ass you smell, it may in fact be death. Muwahaha!

The H1N1 flu, aka as Mrs. Piggy’s Strand of Expiration apparently showed up at PAX last weekend:

Via Kotaku:

The official PAX Twitter account wrote today “Just heard of our first test-confirmed swine flu case at the show. PLEASE if you feel symptoms (fever, etc) go to the doctor.” That’s potentially alarming news for the approximately 60,000-plus estimated attendees of this year’s. We contacted Penny Arcade reps to get more details on the reports of Swine Flu.

The Nerd Community’s equivalent of the Bubonic Plague may have just struck. Take some theraflu, see your doctor, and spend a couple days in your dungeon of choice.

HELL YEAH BRUCE WAYNE NAKED! Welcome to the abode, fellow pervert. Seriously though, I question your taste. At the very least, if I’m going to get a boner from Bruce Wayne/Batman, he’s going to have to be wearing the mask. He can hit me in any position as long as I can grab onto those ears. There are countless hot billionaires, but there’s only one naked Batman.