What the fuck is this shit?! I came across it today at my local 7-Eleven. I was heading for some sort of caffeinated beverage to get my synapses lubricated. Because, let me tell you something, my nickname on this site isn’t lying. I’m truly caffeine powered. Not like giggles and haha. I’m a fucking addict. If you spend more than three hours with me, you’ll see me polish off something like thirty ounces of caffeinated bliss. My friend Tom came over a couple of weeks ago to watch LOST, and he was like, you know what’s amazing? You’ve drank three Diet Mountain Dews since I was here.

And I was like, you know how we do.

I can’t even begin to experience higher brain function until I’ve serviced Lord Caffeine. Ridin’ the dragon.

So yeah, I saw this shit today at 7-Eleven, and I was like, what the fuck? I looked all around it, demanding an explanation. Pepsi Max Cease Fire. It’s Pepsi Max with a hint of lime. But instead of calling it something like Pepsi Max Delicious Lime, they had to make it sound masculine. CEASE FIRE. Also, it’s some sort of crossover with a Doritos brand Pepsi Co. is introducing or some shit. I was intrigued though. I mean, when you pound as much caffeine as I do, you’re looking for something new.

I pounded it and went about my day, and wasn’t reminded of it until Pepsibones and I went to get comic books. It was sitting there on my car floor, abused and alone and left for dead after I had sucked all the life out of it. I explained it to him, and he was like, how did it taste?

And I didn’t even know. It was at that moment, and I told him this, that I realized my tongue only tastes two things anymore: Caffeine Filled, and Not Caffeinated. Anything other sensations are beautiful subtleties that I lost to the demon I’m possessed by a long, long time ago.

Unless it’s the Purple Poison. Then we’re talkin.

Here’s the thing about this season of LOST. A lot of people are worried that the writers don’t have enough time to wrap everything up. I disrespectfully disagree. I think that they have too much fucking time on their hands. And instead of a tightly-knit prolonged orgasm of a season, we’re getting a lot of tip-teasing. Yeah, tip-teasing. There’s a lot of foot-dragging and every episode is backloaded towards the last ten minutes or so. This episode was no different, though I dug the fuck out of it.

Let’s start with the big picture. MiB is clearly being used to some extent, as a doppleganger for the Devil. El Diablo! Repent, or the Smoke Monster will eat you! Or at least, he’ll drag you. He does a lot of dragging. How does he actually kill these people? Just gun them into air, and let gravity do the rest? I’m not hatin’, that’s an awful way to go.

More specifically, last night he reminded me a lot of Milton’s Lucifer from Paradise Lost. Last night, Sayid is given a sword by Dogen and told to go meet MiB in the forest and stab his ass, and he gives him the specific instruction to not let MiB speak to him.

The whole thing wafts of allusions to the snake in the Garden of Eden. Sayid marches through the forest to meet with MiB. He walks through this Eden, because let’s face it, the Island possesses some seriously fucking impressive attributes, and meets up with Smokey. And just like Lucifer, Smokey is a shape-shifter. Naw, not a snake, but an equally impressive black cloud. And just like Lucifer, Smokey’s most powerful quality is his velvet-tongue. Lucifer is all like, yo, dude, eat that fucking apple. But he doesn’t do it by force, he does it by pouring honey into the ears of those around them.

Promising them things.

Just like MiB.

The MiB is arranging some sort of super-squad of douchebags from Oceanic 815 and homeless-looking people. And for all the aspersions he casts on Jacob for being manipulative, he’s just as much. MiB has gone from Sawyer to Sayid to everyone on the Island, and told them of this grand deception that have played a part in – you don’t have to stay here!, your choices were cast for you!, let us all go, now that Jacob is gone!

Throughout the entire time on the Island, he has conspired to kill Jacob. And he has done it all through intermediaries and violence. The fact that he even wears the form of Locke is a testament to his guile and persuasion. His velvet-tongue, his temptations and promises, like the Devil, get people to do his bidding.

Sayid, you can have your babe back!

Claire, you can have your kid back!

Promises, promises, promises.

In LA X, Sayid still wants to bang the hell out of Nadia. Unfortunately, she’s married to his brother. She’s married to him because Sayid was all emo and pushed her away in LA X. And when she’s like, dude, you’re still sweating me, why didn’t you get with this? Our kids would have been way cuter, have you seen my daughter? Her fucking eyebrows look like caterpillars, Sayid has the most disgusting response ever.

Because I don’t…deserve you.

Holy fucking groan! Did he just really say that? Jesus Christ. I turned to my friend Dave, who then barfed onto my crotch. After wiping up the vomit, he asked me, who is writing this? And I told him the Wachowski Brothers. But that was a lie. This season is aggravating, because they’re swinging these mallets instead of making their points. You don’t have to have someone say the words destiny to make your point, nor do you have to make Sayid outright say he doesn’t deserve her?

On the Island, Sayid succumbs to the succor of MiB’s sayings. He sets about killing Dogen and Lennon, which somehow, and I have no idea how, allows for Smokey to infiltrate the Temple of Doom. Really, a random Japanese guy who was a business man was the only thing keeping them out of there? I have to tip my cap to the writers for their handling of Sayid, because I didn’t see it coming. I always assumed that Sayid would be a virtuous dude. Apparently he’s destined to cause misery. OMFG.

The other miserable moment in this episode came when Dogen was telling Sayid about his life. Listen, writers. It’s the final season. We’ve never met this guy before. All he’s been since he was introduced is some contrived mysterious guy, whose entire personality is centered around floating half-baked sentences around to conjure up mystic bullshit. We don’t care about his kid, his dumb baseball, or that he’s an alcoholic.

And furthermore, we’re not going to care when Dogen dies! We barely know the guy! And not only that, what we do know of him, sucks! Thank God he’s fucking dead.

And what exactly was the purpose of the Temple? Does anyone know? It was clumsily introduced at the beginning of the season, and then what? They just sat there for five episodes, everyone in it dies, and now they’re leaving it. Pointless. A waste of time.

On LA X, Sayid once again kills Keamy. Jesus Christ, how creepy is Keamy? And the question about Free Will versus Choice is again raised. It’s erroneous to think that the shit poppin’ off on LA X is destiny. Hurley, Jack, and Locke are all living much nicer livers; albeit quiet and boring and mundane and a waste of my time. But Sayid? Sayid is back to killing again. Keamy, again. Some lives have changed, some are the same.

A strong theory is that LA X is some sort of dreamworld or reality conjured up by Jacob or MiB that gives the people of the Island the life they deserved. Coming at the beginning of this season, the writers kept dropping the word consequence. Consequence. Consequence, consequence, consequence. So perhaps Sayid is being punished in LA X for the fact that he just laid the boom down on everyone in the main reality.

Who knows?

It’s interesting though.

The last ten minutes of the episode were insane, and had me screaming at the top of my lungs. If you watch the show with me, you know I’m not not kidding. MiB busts into the Temple, and starts droppin’ heads. But even more bad ass? Ilana, Ben, and Lapidus roll up! When they showed up, I was like, OH FUCK, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE IS HERE! Lapidus is obviously Superman, Ilana being the Amazonian beauty   she is stands in for Wonder Woman, and Ben is Batman. Just like our boy Wayne, he’s got a million ways out of everything. They were like a supergroup ready to lay the smack down on Smokey. Or at least save whoever wanted to come with them.

Some shit is up with Ilana, and I’m glad they’re not done with her character. When Jacob visited her in The Incident, he spoke to her as though she knew who he was, so she’s got some inside knowledge. Maybe she subscribes to Deities Weekly, and has been writing scholarly articles or some shit. I have no idea. She’s special.

At the end of the episode, the battle lines are drawn. MiB has conjured himself up a legitimate fucking posse. And they roll out in slow-motion, which every single posse should do at one point. I’m not certain where they’re going, but they are rocking out en masse, and they intend on leaving the Island. MiB has promised them all riches and excess freedom. Save for the fact that he’s done it down the barrel of a gun. Come with me and be free, or die. On the other side? There’s Jacob and his crew! Save for uh, the fact that Jacob is dead.

The obvious confrontation is between the philosophies of Jacob and MiB. Do either of them really offer Free Will? I’m not really sure. MiB has propelled people through Force, which fits nicely into people’s comparisons to him with Hobbes. And yeah, Smokey sure looks like a Leviathan, doesn’t he? And Jacob presents with them choices or opportunities. Like our philosopher Locke, not the crippled one, he believes in the human spirit. He doesn’t offer a direct hand, and it is his distanced approach that MiB has exploited as lack of caring, disregard, apathy, cruelness.

In the end, maybe they’re both just exploiting everyone on the Island in some deistic chess match. They are all pieces in a debate over the virtues of humanity. Is Jacob really offering free choice, if he goes to visit these people? Or, as MiB says, does that affect their entire lives, leading them there? And conversely, MiB isn’t offering anyone freedom or choice. In fact, he’s exploiting the very faults he enumerates in the Incident, their greed, their destruction, their consumption, to achieve his release. Who the fuck knows.

This was really long, I’m sorry. I’ll see you next week.

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Wife Does Triple Penetration.

Welcome to Omega Level.

Once the first dinosaurs are cloned, it seems only logical that we will begin racing them. For money and the exhilaration that comes from the threat of mortal peril.

Yeah, you go ahead and grimace Jacob. You’re grimacing like I am, at the uneven quality of this week’s LOST. There were some totally radical moments, and then there were some really unsubtle and painful scenes, where the dialogue made me go, wtf, no seriously? I can’t tell if I totally like the mundane action of LA X, or if it is lulling me to sleep in the middle of epic Island adventuring.

Hurley is the stud of this show right now. Almost every scene he is in, I’m totally digging on. Our portly fellow continues to mix together hilarious metacommentary on the show itself with other witty comments:

You ever try to get Jack to do something? It’s like impossible. I can just go myself…Okay, it’s bad enough you already made me write down way too much, and I just lied to a samurai.

Awesome. I love how they continue to have Hurley act as the mouthpiece for almost everything the viewer is thinking. I mean, Jesus Christ, c’mon Jacob! Everyone knows that Jack, along with everyone else on the Island are bunch of obstinate assholes, who listen to no one and only do what they please. It’s amusing to hear it out loud.

Claire is romping through the jungle with Jin and drags him back to her hut of depravity. There is something really creepy going on with Jack’s half-sister. Be it her shitty hair, or the skeleton-baby in her crib, or the fact that she’s burying hatchets in dudes, yeah, something’s up.

What is up?

Don’t you remember!

She’s infected!

With what?

AN INFECTION, DUMMY.

The big reveal at the end of the episode is that her friend that she kept referencing throughout the episode was the Man in Black. The double-twist that really wrinkled the ole proverbial testicles was that she knew he wasn’t Locke. Oh. Snap. Claire walked off with the MiB back at the end of Season Four when he was rockin’ out as her Dad. And now it seems that she’s totally down with Smokey. Interesting.

I really want to know how Claire and Sayid became infected with the infection, since I assume that once they’ve become engulfed in it they’re under Smokey’s power, and do this a lot:

Damn.

So yeah, Claire is batshit crazy and working with the Man in Black. She’s hellbent on getting Aaron back, and I’m all like, uh, bitch, you fucking left him two seasons ago! Maybe if you hadn’t wandered off into the forest in the dead of night with the specter of your father, you wouldn’t be trying to desperately to find him. Just saying. I mean, I know that there are many philosophies regarding parenting, most of which involve leaving your kid in front of a TV or video game console and then complaining when they grow up to get drunk in the woods and spend all damn day on the Tweeterbook or whatever. But I’m just going to go out and condemn the “Abandon Your Baby And Vanish Into the Forest” approach.

I can already hear the groans of people expecting more from the LA X dimension. I know this because I had two friends groaning on my futon last night about how fucking boring the storylines set there are. I’m trying really hard to enjoy them,   because I figure there has to be some value to them. Right? I mean, please?

This week we get to see Jack the Shitty Dad. Over the course of the twenty minutes allocated to LA X, we watch Jack as he tries his hand at parenting, realizes he’s becoming OMFG, just like his own father, and makes solid with his kid. I can see where they’re going thematically. They want to show you what would have been different, et cetera, et cetera. Or rather, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, what works on paper as a neat concept – show the viewers the banal existence they would have suffered had they not landed on the Island!, is just sort of boring in execution.

This is the sort of stuff that interests me on LA X; shit like Jack not remembering when he had his appendix removed in that timeline, and myself quietly begging that it has something to do with an overlapping with the Oceanic 815-Crashed timeline. I hold my breath hoping that LA X plays out more than a sterile drama, and in my darkest moments, I begin to worry it won’t.

Yo, we get it. At first all the books they were dropping in the show that had allusions to the plot were cool. But it’s like they’re just smashing us in the face with their themes. I mean, last week Al Bundy’s wife tells Locke outright, “Maybe it’s destiny! Destiny! Do you get it? Destiny!” and this week we’re handling Alice in Wonderland. RABBIT HOLES OMFG I GET IT.

Ah, the Lighthouse. I mean, c’mon. If you didn’t think this part was rad, you’re a fucking asshole. Or maybe you’re just not a fanboy like me. But Jacob, much like God, has been watching over all of the candidates throughout their entire lives. Every candidate is assigned a number, and corresponds with a point on the wheel that rotates the mirror. Am I wrong in assuming there are 360 degrees, and consequently, 360 candidates on the wheel?

Of course Jack is impetuous as fuck, as ever, and after finding himself on the wheel, goes banana-shit crazy and demands they put the dial on his number. It reveals his old-ass house and he’s all butthurt because Jacob has been watching him take craps and suffer throughout his entire life. Then Jack decides to beat up a helpless mirror, and trash Jacob’s sweet voeyeur device.

Everyone on the fucking Island is so impulsive and hard-headed, and it is infuriating to watch their stupidity sometimes. You just know they’re going to fuck everything up. Of course Jack has to make with the breaking of the lighthouse mirror, of course. Because he’s an asshole, like everyone else on that plane.

That shit is rad though. C’mon. There’s a mysterious lighthouse with a mirror that allows Jacob to peer into the lives of those he had chosen as candidates. It’s creepy, and it continues to make me wonder how these people were dubbed worthy of being candidates.

I’m going to ignore the bad line about having to let Jack look out at the ocean to figure out his destiny and just fawn over Jacob’s interaction with Hurley towards the end of the episode. I really dig on Jacob’s nonchalance towards whatever happens on the Island. The guy has been stabbed and thrown into a firepit, and he still exudes a peacefulness that I can dig. It all carries over from his initial conversation, where he   makes it known that he believes the human spirit will persevere. Guy has faith in everything working out, and even if it doesn’t, I can respect his optimism.

He is a man with a plan, and it don’t matter if you smash his lighthouse “into a billion pieces”.

When Jacob tells Hurley that he needed to get Jack and him away from the Temple, I was like, here we go, fuck, they’re going to run off to the Temple like assholes. But Jacob drops the bomb that they’re too late already, and I was totally stoked. Man in Black is going to tear some shit up at the Temple, and for once, the assholes running around the Island aren’t going to be boneheaded and run towards danger.

Next week, hopefully MiB tears up Dogen’s samurai ass (paging Freud), and Jack stops being emo and finally realizes he has to kick some ass. Remember Shephard, brother, ain’t nothing irreversible. Just because you’ve totally blown as a leader and ruined lives, you still got a chance at redemption.

Or at least give me more Hurley.

Search Engine Terms, baby! Best one in a while?

Hal Jordan will fuck.

It sounds like the perfect teaser for the Green Lantern movie:

THIS SUMMER. HAL JORDAN WILL FUCK.

One can dream.

Also, double-daps to “dorm anal”; to whoever pulls that off, big ups.

Pepsibones and I handle the writing and production of slop for Omega Level. But both of us being incapable of doing anything more than producing empty sentences and similes involving bodily functions, we’ve relied on a good friend to do all the programming and graphical production for the site.

After growing an impressive beard over the winter that likened him to the Italian equivalent of Osama Bin Laden, he constructed this masterpiece on his face over the weekend. It was too tremendous to not save for posterity’s sake.

Don’t let his soft smile trick you, he’s just trying to lull your defenses. There’s a caged animal within, looking to kidnap your children and befoul your Mom.

I cajoled him into throwing his modesty away and striking a thunderous pose, that likes of which displays the numerous rippling muscles he will use to scale your house, throw your mother (or father depending on his whims that night) over his shoulder, and much like King Kong, run away into the night to commit treachery upon your friendship.

Rise and shine, babies, it’s Saturday — the greatest day of the goddamn week! For some, Saturday means lounging around watching cartoons all morning. For others, this day is all about nursing a hangover from the night before. And for some particularly sad bastards, it means carting the kids around to soccer games or karate practice, praying for a minor traffic accident to liven things up.

But no matter what you plan for Saturday, it should always begin with a nutritious breakfast. I understand that during the week, most people (myself included) don’t have the time to eat a decent morning meal. But on the weekends, there’s really no excuse to not put some good fuel into the `ole gut-tank.

Waking up earlier than the surgeon general advises, I took the opportunity to pick up a dozen donuts. Rather than settling for a twelve-pack from Dunkin Donuts, I decided to take the slightly longer trek to Kane’s Donuts – a staple of the Boston area’s North Shore. This joint has an old-time coffee shop vibe, as though you were stopping into a friend’s house unannounced. It’s this type of atmosphere, the forfeiture of shiny counters & paint-by-numbers service in favor of authenticity & genuine personality, which will always keep me coming back to small-time diners and restaurants.

Nana Loves Donuts

I’m kicking off my Saturday with donuts in my gut and black coffee in my veins.

How’re you starting yours?

I came across this second Kick-Ass Red Band Trailer today over at Slashfilm. It features more of the same as the previous Red Band, which is to say everything they can’t show in the rated ones but they should. Pepsibones and I are looking forward to this movie with a certain voraciousness, though I think his excitement far exceeds mine. Check out the trailer, and marvel at a teenybopper girl saying the word “cock”. It’s fratboy humor, which means I love it, but you may hate it.

With thunder and lightning LOST returned this week to the epicness that we had all come to expect from the show. After a throwaway episode last week that left me at a frothing level of indignancy, this week threw so much at me that I have no idea how to begin to wrestle with the episode. Questions were answered, but as always, fourteen more took their place. Right after watchin’ this shit, I was like, fuck me, I have to make something intelligent out of the awesomeness that I just absorbed into my skull-plate. Because honestly, this is really all I wanted to say:

Fucking awesome!
Huh?
Jesus Christ!
Woah.
Huh?
What?
Holy fucking shit.
Tuesday is so far away.

That’s it man, that’s really it. The episode left my brain a gooey melange of confused awesomeness. But let’s try and think about this shit.

It seems obvious to start with the brain-shattering revelation that was why all of the peeps we have come to know are on the Island. Jacob beckoned them to the Island because he’s been searching for a substitute. Get it? Get the title of the Island? Yeah, me too. And from the looks of the scrawlings on the inside of whatever sort of damp, creepy cave the Man in Black brought Sawyer to, he’s been going at it for a long, long fucking time. As well, we finally get to see what the numbers were for. Sort of. MiB tells Sawyer that “Jacob had a thing for numbers”, which sort of explains why they’ve been fucking everywhere, but uh, not really. That said, I’m completely fine with that being the explanation behind them even if they don’t elaborate any further.

Of all the mysteries of the Island, this is one of the ones I give the least shit about.

It’s also worth noting that The Freckled Hussy wasn’t one of the ones that MiB mentioned being summoned to the Island. I know this because I turned to my friend Tommy and said fourteen times, “You sure she wasn’t shown? You sure? You sure? Totally sure? I should shut the fuck up? Okay, yeah…You sure?” Does Jacob’s heir have to be male? That seemed to be what we dragged out of it.

More of MiB’s revelation in a moment, but let’s diverge off this path. LOST style, hypertextual trains of thought!

Was there anything more frightening and entertaining than Dicky Alpert running out of the jungle like a fucking crackhead and accosting Sawyer? Seriously. Dude was losing his fucking mind, and it was awesome. For years the dude has been the composed, sexy, strong dude of righteous immortality. This episode? Dude was tweaking out! He scampers out of the bushes and is like, “C’mon man! We got to go! We-got-to-go! C’mon bro! Seriously, let’s fucking go! MiB kicked my ass and smeared my mascara! He is fucking legit!”

Just what the fuck is Richard? If he came from the Blackrock as a dude to potentially replace Jacob, he clearly wasn’t chosen. Was Jacob all managerial and like “Well, see here Richard. We don’t think you have the stuff to protect the Island for thousands of years, given your experience, but we’d like to take you on as a steward!”

And just like that, Crackhead Richard ran back off into the jungle, fleeing from another ass-whupping from MiB. And speaking of the MiB, how about that first-person perspective of Smokey doin’ his thang? Fucking epic! Epic with a capital EPIC! Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Hurley is fucking awesome. That’s all. I really enjoy seeing the inversion of his character from the I’m Totally Fucked Guy to Yo Man, Don’t Sweat It. For that matter, Hurley’s inversion is also in line with Locke’s dismissal of faith and miracle, and Jack’s belief in it.

Locke’s life on LA X fucking sucks, a lot. And as I’ve mentioned, he seems a broken, pathetic man, just like MiB mentions in the season premiere. I’m really fingering my brain over what they’re doing with LA X. My bro Pepsibones thinks it may be nothing more than a mundane drama, showing us the unremarkable lives they all would have led if they weren’t brought there. I’m not sold on that shit, but it does seem eerie that Locke’s Fiance Whose Name I Forget shreds Jack’s card, perhaps dismissing any sense of miracle and the destiny we’re expecting.

I ain’t sold though. These people are meant to be together, and they will. I just ain’t got no idea how.

Also, Ben as the school teacher? Fucking huh? I don’t know, man. Ben being a teacher makes me wonder if his ass was ever on the Island, and if not, just how long ago did the Island itself sink? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! Is it Destiny, or mundanity?

The interweaving of destiny comes up throughout the episode, but there is no greater point than when MiB tells Sawyer that Jacob has played them all for the fools and brought them to the Island. MiB is all “Blah, blah, Jacob effected the course of your life to bring you here, as you were meant to be.” And he’s right, maybe. There were a zillion choices they could have made that would have pushed them off the course they were on. However, what MiB fails to mention is how he has been manipulating everyone just as he claims Jacob has, and maybe in even more nefarious ways.

Everything that led up to Jacob’s death has been executed by MiB. From getting Locke to leave the Island, to having Benjamin kill Locke, all of this was in an effort to gain the trust of Ben so they could put the ole stabby-stab into Jacob. Is there any free will going on, on the Island? Or have they all been chess pieces for both MiB and Jacob? Who the fuck knows.

I’m going to guess that Jacob is neither as benevolent as we may have thought, nor as cunning and selfish as MiB makes him out to be.

Either way, there seems to be an inherent necessity for balance on the Island, which MiB has disrupted. From the tilting of the scales to the eerie little fucker in the woods telling MiB, “You know the rules, you can’t kill him”, everything points towards MiB and Jacob being symbolic of the balance of Good and Evil in the world. Both are needed for the other to exist. Jacob and MiB’s conversation at the end of season five contrast the two of them, and now makes much more sense in light of the fact that Jacob summons them to the Island to replace him.

MiB: They come, fight, they destroy, they corrupt. It always ends the same.

Jacob: It only ends us, anything that happens before that, is just progress.

Jacob’s search for a replacement is centered around his notion in the potential for humanity. Despite being disappointed for what seems like hundreds, if not thousands, of years, Jacob considers the idea of a replacement for him to be plausible, if not inevitable. How long Jacob has been searching, or what his criteria is, or even further, if there was someone before Jacob? Who the fuck knows.