[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Like any noble leader, Daryl allowed a bit of entertainment only after ensuring that his friends were given their opportunities. 8-Bit returned, looking as baffled as ever. Daryl tried to reassure himself. “At the very least, it can’t be any lamer than that Ouija Board we tried to use.” 8-Bit and Riff didn’t say a word, but responded with eyes that did plenty of talking.

What you’re about to experience is the real deal.

Surprised by the reproachful staring of his two best friends, Daryl was now forced to reconsider his dismissal of the Woman in Gray Robes. Zipping his lips and nodding, steps were taken into the supernatural workplace.

Quickly accepting the possibility that he was graced by the presence unknown forces, Daryl was only marginally astonished by Rimina’s greeting. “Well hello there, Daryl, I’m quite glad to see you. Always the best for last, I suppose. I can already tell that the soothsaying I am to provide you will be of the utmost importance.

“So sit down, time is of the essence, especially in your case.” Outstretched hands, one of which held a cigarette (of course), beckoned the teen to rest in the chair. He was now directly in front of the embodiment of conflicting messages:

A woman doing the job of a wise man.
A pirate’s accessory on an astoundingly sexy face.
A healthy disposition residing in such an unhealthy environment.

Daryl was ready. So was Rimina. Sensing the beginnings of psychic fatigue, the last remaining leaf from the Jacoby tree did not ask for permission. Instead, she simply took an especially long drag from her cigarette and then snatched hold of Daryl’s hands. She waited a few seconds. When his eyes looked upward from the table Rimina blew smoke right into them. The exhalation was both blinding and eye-opening…

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[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

8-Bit didn’t wait to ask Riff how it went. We walked right past his friend, eager to get his own turn at gazing towards the future. His yearning to the watch the lion tamer had completely subsided when he saw those clowns in mid-coitus, and that previous excitement was now wholly invested in having his fortune read. Any other night, 8-Bit would have disregarded this sort of psychic endeavor as a base attempt to rip off the simpleminded.

But tonight was a night for celebration. A night for trying new things.

Inside the small tent, 8-Bit removed his huge glasses and frantically rubbed the lenses with the bottom of his t-shirt. The glasses were put back on, met with disapproval, and then removed for another scrubbing. With the spectacles back on, 8-Bit realized that they weren’t the source of visual impairment. It was all of the damn smoke.

“Lady, you might want to think about conjuring up some ventilation. I’m not even smoking that stuff, but I feel like I could use an iron lung. I’m cancer-bound for sure.”

Laughing, Rimina gave a sample of her talents. “8-Bit, you’re not going to get cancer from the smoke in here. If you do get cancer, it will be a brain tumor. And it will kill you on your ninety-third birthday. So don’t blame my incense. Or my recreational use of tobacco.”

Sobered by both her words and the nonchalance with which she spoke them, 8-Bit was ready to listen. “Can you…can you tell me more?”

“Of course. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.” Rimina’s cigarette, the fourth since her meeting with Riff, was brought to her dark lips. As before, an inhalation was coupled with the grasping of handsand followed by a hearty exhalation…

Exploration. Lots of exploration, all over… the world. The worlds. In a (not-too-distant) future, the teen with coke-bottle glasses turns into the man with coke-bottle glasses, and for the first time in this existence the look actually helps him fit in. It is the realm of academia — real academia, not just the optional four-year layover before going to work. There are schools and professors and textbooks stacked higher than one might think they should be. That’s dangerous he thinks they could very well fall over. Of course, worrying even now, during a glimpse past the present circumstances and into the future. Stop worrying the female voice, communicating without speaking, reminds him. Seemingly endless work is piling up, but the academic does not cave into the pitfalls of frustration. For this man, defeat is not an option, for the knowledge-seeking of the vision bearer is not a matter of being worthwhile in its own right — it is a deliberate attempt to construct a means to an end. There is a goal. Of discovery. Of impossibility? Many think so. But not the scholar. For he is atypical. He turns to the unconventional, the dangerous, and even the manipulation of the mind through use of the illicit.

But now, the future has slipped away and it is 1986 again. It is yesterday, before school. It is yesterday, at the arcade. It is today? At the circus? Now, is this the end of the week? The pep rally? Is this now or later? Both? It is unknown, but there are feelings of success and gratitude and love and accomplishment. There is work to be done.

“Heed my words — this is but one of the many, a mere sliver of a broken shard from the entire mirror of existence, whose inward reflections of itself far outnumber the outward. This fate has been neither determined nor surrendered. If it pleases you, think of it with cautious optimism. If it displeases you, change yourself so that you may best fit within this world.”

[to be continued]

[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

The first to go in, Riff found himself wondering why Ray Dean had called her the Woman in Gray Robes. The moniker wasn’t inaccurate. But he thought a far more distinguishing title would have been The Lady with the Eyepatch. He just couldn’t take his eyes off that damn circle of black swatch.

One may be inclined to think that strapping an eyepatch on a beautiful face would be like smearing shit on a painting. But in this candlelit room, the smoke of incense and cigarettes swirling about, it was more akin to adding the cherry to an ice cream sundae.

Necessary to legitimize the entire experience.

Sitting on a small beanbag chair, the fortuneteller waved Riff towards her. “Come, come, child. Sit down with me. You are intrigued by my eye, are you not?”

Riff tacitly nodded as he found his seat.

“Don’t be afraid. I may have a restricted license and Jaws 3D was a waste of time, but I can still see better than most. Much better.”

Rimina flashed a smile, knowing that the teenager before her was opening up enough for divinations. “Lean in,” her sultry voice commanded, “and I will free your mind from the chains of the flesh. The shackles of the material. The handcuffs of the temporal. Come with me.”

Rimina took an extended drag from her cigarette. Held it in. Returned the cigarette to an ashtray. And then she took both of Riff’s hands into her own and exhaled…

Guitars. Lots of guitars, being played by an older version of the antihero. Sometimes, the smoke swirled in a direction so that Riff could see himself playing music on stage. Sometimes the stage was small. Sometimes the stage was large. Sometimes there were huge crowds of people watching the shredder demonstrate his craft. Was that Castle Donington? He wasn’t sure. But it sure looked like it. Other times, the bluish carcinogenic wisps danced in revelation of a guitarist playing a true solo — hiding away in some room, under self-imposed isolation with an acoustic guitar. The fingers of the hazy figure flew over the fretboard with a precision and speed that the world’s best surgeons could only dream of. A quick flash — the tombstone – an enforcer of the law – the father — the tyrant — dead — gone – thankfully — not missed. A return to the guitar, now slung over the shoulder. The guitarist iseen walking on the road. A future of some uncertainty… and some certainty. Hidden hardships in store, no doubt, but with the guarantee of a face pained chiefly by its grin of accomplishment.

“Heed my words — this is but one of the many, a mere sliver of a broken shard from the entire mirror of existence, whose inward reflections of itself far outnumber the outward. This fate has been neither determined nor surrendered. If it pleases you, think of it with cautious optimism. If it displeases you, change yourself so that you may best fit within this world.”

[to be continued]

Can you hear those crickets chirping, mon ami? That’s how slow of a news work it was in the world of Cage. He didn’t buy anything or yell at anyone on the street! WTF!?

To make clicking “Read the rest of the entry” worth your while, I had to do something I’ve been avoiding since Cage Match began: write about The Croods. Never heard of it? That’s cool, I wish I never did. Well, let’s (begrudgingly) do this.

Drive Angry 3D Red Band Trailer; Oh Hell Yes

My goal in life used to be “beat Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.” Now it’s “stay alive long enough to see Drive Angry.” The tongue-in-cheek red band trailer was released earlier this week and it features so, so many awesome clips. From Amber Heard punching a topless girl in the face to severed limbs to Cage sneering at everything (IN 3D), this is why red band trailers exist, folks. This is gearing up to be the exploitation flick of the year and I’m moderately excited *flips over coffee table, punches out all the windows in the house*

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As I’ve often told Broseph Rendar, one of my great regrets in life is not being able to rock out to Van Halen as they were huge. Just driving around in some muscle car, totally thinking David Lee Roth is the man and secretly loving his homosexual undertones. Just me, the bros, and maybe some sick ass peel outs in the local parking lots.

One of the ways I’m coping with the fucking snow around this area is using guided meditation to do just that. I close my eyes, and I’m fucking blaring “Feel Your Love Tonight!” while cruising around with my friends. I’m totally still a virgin in high school, and I’m talking ridiculousness about how hot some chick is, while sneaking peeks at the groins of my friends in their tight jeans.

The snow?

I CAN’T WAIT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE TONIGHT.

The cold?

I CAN’T WAIT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE TONIGHT.

The miserable Northeast?

I CAN’T WAIT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE TONIGHT.

Hit the jump and check out the video. Guarantee it helps.

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This cab driver in Brazil is more Michael Jackson than Michael Jackson. I have no input for this post except AWESOME.

Ok, you mugs. Welcome to another round of Cage Match, the internet’s all-nude column devoted entirely to Nicolas Kim Coppola. Oh, you didn’t know that is the original name of Nic Cage? Then you’re not reading Cage Match enough, idiot.

This week have news about Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Drive Angry, and Cage’s meeting with a diplomat. Also, Nic Cage pinball, the lowdown on Cage’s intense role research for Leaving Las Vegas, and a weak bit from Conan O’Brien. Let’s do this.

Baffling Turkish News Report on the Set of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and Plot Synopsis Revealed

Harry from AintItCoolNews posted this really bizarre video from a Turkish news broadcast that contains some footage from the set of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. It’s a lot of Cage climbing on rocks and Zorro doing front flips. WUT? I couldn’t figure out how to embed it so you’ll have to click on the AintItCool link above to watch it. Whoops!

In more exciting and comprehensible news, the heads at ComicBookMovie found the sales synopsis for Ghost Rider. I don’t know nuthin about Ghost Rider’s mythos but it sounds awesome to me: Get pumped.

“It has been several years since making a deal with the Devil and Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage), living in self-imposed isolation, finds himself as the only person who can help save 10-year-old Danny — and ultimately the world — thanks to his unwanted and uncontrollable power — his ability to transform into the hell-on-wheels monster known as The Ghost Rider”

Get pumped.

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[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Born into a family of mysterious vagrants, Rimina Jacoby spent her first years in Bavaria. Shortly thereafter, the Jacoby family was ousted by local villagers who grew suspicious of their idiosyncrasies. The family headed for Portugal, along with the remaining Bendjiems, whose widower of a father had been murdered. And, if the rumors were true, raped. The suspect – the brother of local woman Father Bendjiem had begun courting.

In a villa outside of Faro, both the families Jacoby and Bendjiem were absorbed into a small but accommodating gypsy population. As a toddler, Rimina learned how to persuade marketplace fools to spend too much money on flowers. They were stolen from a cemetery only a quarter-mile away. Her dirty hands and shoeless feet evoked pity while her rosy cheeks evoked the wallets.

She was the perfect resource for a society struggling for subsistence.

That was, of course, until the dog bit her left eye out. On Rimina’s seventh birthday she made the mistake of trying to sell stolen flowers to Pedro Jordão. Not only was Jordão the drunkest resident of the villa but he was also in a state of sorrow. Grieving for his recently deceased wife. So when the dirty gypsy girl with the delightful smile tried to sell him the same basket of flowers he had left for his wife that very morning, he lost his fucking mind.

With the command to SIC! this insanity was transferred from Pedro to his enormous Cujo of a mutt.

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Welcome back, suckers, to the only column in the universe that wraps up all of the important Nicolas Cage news of the week. Besides news, we’re also continuing our series of videos from OOP Cage films you probably haven’t seen. Two weeks ago we brought you inside Cage’s mansion with The Cage of Nicholas and last week we dropped a clip from the rare gem Time to Kill. This week we’ve got a real treat: Cage’s brief but amazing cameo from the Adam Rifkin’s 1988 comedy Never on Tuesday. In my opinion it’s as baffling and memorable as his Eddie character from Deadfall.

Not too a lot of news this week but there is a titillating sequel rumor has surfaced that is sure to make your trousers tight. Also more on the upcoming Medallion and Ghost Rider 2. I’m a little tired, little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation! Let’s do this!

Cage’s Bizarre Cameo in Never on Tuesday

Never on Tuesday is a road trip boner comedy directed by cult director Adam Rifkin (The Invisible Maniac, Detroit Rock City). Andrew Lauer and Peter Berg (of Friday NIght Lights fame) play the lead hornballs, but sprinkled throughout the movie are brief cameos by big name actors including Cage, Charlie Sheen, Cary Elwes, and Judd Nelson. About 11 minutes into the film Cage, credited as “Man in Red Sports Car,” makes his appearance. It’s really…well, Cage-like. I threw the above clip on YouTube because the world needs to see this very important moment in our favorite actor’s career. Enjoy!

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[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Eight hours after winning the first battle of a war that would last until the week’s end, Daryl Millar and his two allies ambled towards the Dean Brothers’ Fun-Time Circus. Clean and cold, the October air did its best to forewarn the teens of winter’s approach. Kicking fallen leaves. Screaming in their faces.

However, the trio was guarded. Denim. Studded leather. The heavy-duty hood of a cotton/polyester blend. And the warm fuzzy feelings of malt liquour.

Inspired by the day’s events, Riff had made an afterschool trip to the package store. With a wallet loose enough to waive the necessity of photo identification, Riff approached the counter with three fat bottles. An amateur beer-drinker, his purchase of Colt 45 was based on two key facts:

1) It was super cheap.
2) Billy Dee Williams, who had gained his trust by leading the Rebel Alliance to victory three years earlier, assured him that “It works every time.”

Snuggled in their brown paper jackets, the forties were tokens of victory. And celebration. And Brady Moore’s humiliation. And an evening of three-ringed entertainment. So even though it was only Tuesday, Daryl’s sensibilities (which were usually in place to curb Riff’s debauchery and 8-Bit’s anxiety) said that pounding beer was the right thing to do on this most glorious of nights.

Sensible sensibilities. Everything in moderation. Especially moderation.

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