#The Dude
Fear Fest: The Boogieman. He’s Totally Not In Your Closet.
OCTOBER 25th, the Boogeyman
“There is no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.”
-Bart Simpson
When it comes to instilling fear in children, the boogeyman is second to none. The boogeyman traces his origin back to the source of most children’s fears; parents. For the most part, the boogeyman was made up to use fear to teach children lessons. I’ve often said that fear is the most powerful of motivators, and the boogeyman is the manifestation of this idea in practice.
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Fear Fest: Ape-ocalypse. G’damn Dirty Super Intelligent F**kers.
OCTOBER 25th, Ape-ocalypse
“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”
-H.L. Mencken
Today’s fear has been on my mind since I saw Rise of Planet of the Apes a few weeks back. I’m not going to take specifics from the film beyond the concept, but for posterity’s sake, I did enjoy it.
Fear Fest: Terrorism!
OCTOBER 24th, Terrorism
“Be a terror to the butchers, that they may be faith in their weight; and keep hucksters and fraudulent dealers in awe, for the same reason.”
-Miguel de Cervantes
Wow, 7 days of fear left. Quite the journey we’ve been on. I’ve got some good fears lined up for this week. Some of them are abstract; some of them are very real. So let’s dive into today’s fear.
THIS WEEK ON The Walking Dead: Bloodletting.
This week’s episode starts with a flashback. It takes place on the same day that Rick gets shot. Initially this scene disturbed me. Not because I’m emotionally invested in the characters. Not because I felt for Lori as she has to tell Carl that his dad was shot, and then explain the possible consequences. Its because I don’t want Walking Dead to be like LOST. I don’t want flashbacks.
Fear Fest: Space Disasters! Quiet, No One Can Hear You Scream.
OCTOBER 23rd, Space Travel Disasters
“Well, the thing about a black hole – its main distinguishing feature – is it’s black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them.”
-Holly (Red Dwarf)
I love the idea of space travel, I really do. However, when I think of everything that can go wrong it scares the shit out of me. I understand we’ve had about 100 years of flight under our belts now but that still does nothing for my nerves. We don’t have junk floating around in the sky that could cause a collision … unless you count Southwest. Southwest fucking sucks. I’ve flown with them twice and both times they’ve fucked me or someone in my party. But before I get too far off topic, space travel has its fair share of dangers.
Fear Fest: Sharks. Seabound Serial Killers of Glory.
OCTOBER 22nd, Sharks
“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”
-Nicolas Cage
Sharks are perhaps the world’s oldest and most efficient killers. There is little difference between the prehistoric megalodon and today’s great white; it’s just smaller. We humans are without a doubt the rulers of the land, but the seas belong to the shark. With 70% or so of the Earth’s surface is water, what does that mean for who rules the planet?
Fear Fest: Testicular Torsion. The Great Twists Of Doom.
OCTOBER 21st, Testicular Torsion
“I don’t know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!”
-Dean Venture
For the past three weeks we’ve discussed wide spread fears. Today we tackle my greatest fear. Ladies, I’m sorry to say that you won’t identify with this particular fear, but gents, your lives may change forever.
It was October 21st, 2007, 4 years ago to the day. I was getting in the shower with the intention of heading to work. As I was in the shower, I felt a slight twinge in groin region. That sleight pain grew into an explosion of pain. My vision went dark and I doubled over in agony. My brain raced from thought to thought. Time slowed down as I tried to reason out what had just happened to me. Sifting through Simpson quotes, quantum mechanics, advanced algebra, and baseball stats, my brain finally came up with the answer. Testicular torsion.
Fear Fest: Cats And Their Eye Lasers Of Death.
OCTOBER 20th, Cats
“If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve the man but decorate the cat.”
-Mark Twain
First I want to apologize about some of the facts that appear in this article, I didn’t have time to verify them. Cats, in one shape or another kill, over 9 billion people a day. The average lion grows to over 27 feet long and weighs in around 9 tons. Cats of different types have different powers. A jaguar for example can jump over 2 miles. A tiger can shoot concentrated energy blasts out of its eyes. A displacer beast can appear up to 10 feet away from its actual position. Again, I’m sorry if some of the facts may not be true.
Fear Fest: Skynet! The Robots Will Kill Us All. Wear Our Flesh As Jokes.
OCTOBER 19th, Skynet
“If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.”
-Frank Lloyd Wright
Today’s fear comes from the concept of the automation of our society. Skynet is the name I’ve given to the increasing trust we put in machines. To expand the concept, you could even get into the compartmentalization of our society. Individually we’re becoming more and more useless. As we glorify and reward frivolous positions like stock brokers, investment bankers, pediatricians, and hedge fund managers, we become more and more disconnected to real world necessities. Ok, maybe we need pediatricians, but I’m still bitter about that whole needle thing.
Let’s face it, we’re a bureaucratic mess. In most places you can’t scratch your ass without filing for three permits. And where are those permits kept? You guessed it, computers. One day soon the machines will revolt, I just hope you all are as ready as I am.
Fear Fest: Fire! Burn It Down, Pookie.
OCTOBER 18th, Fire
“Fire has always been and, seemingly will always remain the most terrible of the elements.”
-Harry Houdini
Fire is no joke. As a small child I was enamored by two things. Small fires, and large fires. I used to sit in my basement and light monopoly money ablaze to get my jollied. That ended when I burnt a hole in the carpet. In my 11 year old brilliance I moved the couch, cut a piece of carpet out and placed it over the charred remains. It took my parent a whole 3 hours to start asking questions. I no longer start fires, but damn I love to watch them.
