Fear Fest: Cats And Their Eye Lasers Of Death.

OCTOBER 20th, Cats

“If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve the man but decorate the cat.”
-Mark Twain

First I want to apologize about some of the facts that appear in this article, I didn’t have time to verify them. Cats, in one shape or another kill, over 9 billion people a day. The average lion grows to over 27 feet long and weighs in around 9 tons. Cats of different types have different powers. A jaguar for example can jump over 2 miles. A tiger can shoot concentrated energy blasts out of its eyes. A displacer beast can appear up to 10 feet away from its actual position. Again, I’m sorry if some of the facts may not be true.

I know in an earlier Fear Fest I showed a young hippo crushing the skill of a lion and walking off into the sunset. Well, the truth is, if there has been an adult lion there, the hippo would have been brutally killed. Cats will murder anything they can get their paws on. Lets take a look at the following video

There you see a puma kill a crocodile … in its natural fucking habitat! And the puma doesn’t even kill it quickly, he drowns the fucker. Considering some crocodiles can hold their breath for up to 2 hours, this is not the most efficient way. Sadistic motherfucker isn’t he? What I assume is minutes later the same puma goes for bigger game.

Not satisfied with killing one reptile, he’s got a thirst for a bigger one. Now, I saw Anaconda. That thing killed John Voight, Danny Trejo and Owen Wilson. So this puma that has the handicap of testicles the size of soccer balls decided he’s going to take him on solo.

Now, pumas aren’t really a problem here in good ol’ America. Yep, no lions, no tigers, and the only Jaguars are on the road or losing football games. What we do have are mountain lions. Cougars and Mountain lions can be the stuff of nightmares. Their scream can be one of the scariest things you hear … until you hear yourself being eaten alive. Take a listen.

Imagine hearing that in the dead of night. I don’t know about you, but for me that would present two problems; the obvious proximity to a four legged murder machine, and the not so obvious shit in my pants.

THE ANSWER: Cats of all shapes and sizes are killers. From the smallest kitten to the largest Coeurl, they dream of nothing but ending lives. You must be vigilant around them, always.