File this under things you’ve never asked for, and we probably shouldn’t get. Disney and Jon Favreau are bringing a live-action Lion King to the big screen.

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Elon Musk is taking our asses to Mars. Maybe. So like, can someone get on settling Europa? NASA has found further evidence of water plumes on the moon, furthering the idea that it has subsurface oceans. Fucking astounding.

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A new John Wick: Chapter 2 photo reveals the (current) fate of his pitbull. You know, the one Wick gained at the end after murdering everything in his path for mirking his first puppy. The fate? Alive and rolling as a member of the Wick Squad.

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We all know Destiny 2 is happening. Now we (sort of) know that it’s also going to be happening on PC. I can’t wait for the title, since all Bungie has done since dropping the initial installment is improve upon their franchise.

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Thor: Ragnarok has added Sam Neill to its already stacked cast. You know, the dude who played Dr. Grant in Jurassic Park. Laid lovingly on dinosaurs. Removed his glasses dramatically.

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Put the rest of Earth’s Alien hunters on notice, folks. China has turned on its alien-hunting telescope, and it is the world’s largest.

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I’m up in Vermont for a wedding. My wife is one of two Matrons of Honor (a cowardly option for getting out of determining, in front of friends and family, your “favorite” person), so she’s off doing things. Like what? Oh, I don’t know. Helping the bride ascribe significance to a litany of generic prefabricated rituals that belong to one of the most industrialized and fabricated social customs in our culture.

But hey, that leaves me alone in our overly expensive, gaudy ass, nightmare hotel room at the inn.

To sit, crush Pepsi Max, diarrhea, get some work done. The diarrhea reminds me to drink Pepsi Max, the Pepsi Max reminds my bowels to diarrhea. Speaking of perfect unions, I think I’ve found one. An ouroboros of caffeineated-turd glory.

To refresh the typical blogs, jerk it once-twice-who-is-knocking-go-away-room-service-three times.

And! More importantly! Welcome you to Weekend Open Bar!

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Bradford Young has been announced as the Han Solo movie cinematographer. This is a beefy, talented grab for the flick, which is already being helmed by the beefy (I just want to say beefy again) and talented Chris Lord and Phil Miller.

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The Dark Tower multimedia blitz is apparently not a fever dream. No, no. The Dark Tower TV spin-off is really happening, and it is also really starring one of the stars of the movie, Idris Elba.

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Hubble captures the death of a sun-like star, and we’re all the better for it. Thank you, Hubble. For capturing its glory. Me? I’m either going to die from a fall, or covered in my own feces and surrounded by Pepsi Max cans (regardless of age).

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