Oh god dammit. February solicitations in Previews have the teaser: Death of Spider-Man. I can’t wait for a big character in the DC and Marvel Universe living to become the New Black. Everyone will be shitting themselves, “Dude, I can’t believe they fucking let Steve Rogers live!, it was insane!” I’m tired of motherfuckers dying. Steve Rogers, Bruce Wayne, it looks like Matt Murdock and on and on. ‘Cause guess what! Them fucks come back! Every time. Now it’s Peter Parker’s turn to die. Yawn. Snore. Wake me up.

Prediction: I’m hoping that Marvel isn’t annoying enough to kill off Parker. They’re just going to have to resurrect him prior to his movie coming out. So instead, they’ll probably and maybe, and sort of go with the equally annoying metaphorical death. Parker may give up the costume again. For the zillionth time. Of course. He’ll get all emo and decide he wants to tour Haiti or something and help with the cholera outbreak. Or maybe, it’s just a bullshit teaser and nothing will come of it.

Conclusion: I’m pretty sure whatever they decide, it’ll be stupid. Overblown. Hype.

Thoughts? Impressions? Equally resigned laments as myself? Hit the comments box.

Browsing over at Super Punch today (god damn it, read it already!), I came across a link to a bunch of artwork by Frank Teran. I had been ignorant to the existence of Teran prior to about forty minutes ago, but it is officially love at first sight (of gorgeously painted lightsaber).

I haven’t played either Force Unleashed game. I heard the first one wasn’t worth sixty-bucks, and then despite getting like totally stoked! for the second one because of some trailers, I heard the similar refrain: decent. Well! A sequel is totally justified in my mind, if alone for these works of sexy Sith glory. Hit the jump to check out Teran’s gallery of Force Unleashed concept art, and by the good lord, give his website a visit too.

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Theo Watson is a man with some impressive skills. Well, to me at least. I don’t know if he’s like, totally wizard or whatever to other geniuses. But to me? Dude is awesome. The good chap has hacked a Microsoft Kinect, and gotten it to run on a Mac OS. Barely a week after launch! Guffaw! I don’t know the practical applications of it up to this point, but I’m not sure there’s a practical application I can think of for Kinect, in any regard.

None the less, it’s pretty cool. And with this talented man opening up the Kinect to the Mac OS, I can only assume it’ll thusly open up possibility for other people to fuck around with.

Hit the jump for a video of it in motion.

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Apparently, there’s two major female roles that Christopher Nolan is currently casting for the next Batman flick, The Dark Knight Rises. One of them is going to be a love interest, and the other is going to be a fucking villain! Good Jesus Christ, could Talia al Ghul really be entering Nolan’s Batverse? Pepsibones and I are silently splooging at the possibility.

Anyways!, want the short list of actors Nolan’s allegedly looking at? That’s why you’re fucking here!

io9:

Rachel Weisz
Naomi Watts
Blake Lively
Natalie Portman
Anne Hathaway
Keira Knightley

Thoughts? Reactions on the list? I’d be like a fucking pig in shit if they could pull Portman or Weisz into the goddamn Batman’s next flick. Anne Hathaway? Eh. Blake Lively? Meh. Keira Knightley? Fuck now. Hit the comments box with your own feelings. Get inside yourself, and fondle around for a reaction.

[Click to Enlarge. Source: Dueling Analogs via Gamefreaks]

This comic strip is amazing. And a beyond accurate representation of the invigorating and intellectually stimulating Xbox Live environment. While a Halo strip, I can assure you that a Modern Warfare 2 restaurant would bring the same quality conversation and ambiance.

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It was Saturday evening, and I had just dropped my movie ticket into the toilet in a local movie theater’s bathroom. The toilet was filled with impressive, neon yellow piss. It was nearly glowing with a haunting lack of dilution. It was not my piss. I stared aghast, as the ticket began to sink into the yellow horror. I didn’t know what to do. For as gross as I am, I don’t traffic in Movie Theater Piss Play with strangers. I probably just let you down, huh?

I had been acting like an asshole, and that’s how it goes.

Lately I’ve been suffering a wonderful hypochondriac madness. I’ve been certain, for no good reason, that I have some sort of penis, testicular, groin-based cancer. For no good reason. This has led to me confusingly rubbing my balls every twenty minutes. Checking for lumps. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. So I just rub my balls in a madness, confirm that I can’t feel anything worthwhile, and go back to my life. Certain that I have some sort of nut cancer, I just can’t find it.

Welcome to my world.

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Narrative is the most powerful tool on the planet.

From personal anecdotes to sprawling epics of adventure, storytelling is the means by which the human race has made sense of existence. Which is important, because the human condition, when one takes the time to really break it down, is nothing short of baffling. We are evolved primates, cruising around the sun on a space-rock that hits 67,000 mile per hour, using technology we don’t even understand, and participating in societies founded by our ancestors. It’s goddamn insanity.

And I love it.

But what really gets me amped is the idea that art can help dispel the notion that the universe is nothing more than a giant abyss of nothingness and meaninglessness. It might be — I don’t know, I’m neither a philosopher nor an astrophysicist. But as I get older, I can’t kill the feeling that there are greater forces at play than I can ever possibly conceptualize or articulate.

Before words are put in my mouth, let me forewarn: I’m not declaring a newfound belief in God or revelation about the afterlife or some shit. My agnosticism is strong. What I am saying is that it’s pretty heavy to think of how much our lives can be changed, directed, and enlightened by stories. And what’s even heavier is the fact that, whether by clandestine design or sheer coincidence, there are connections amongst the storytellers, the viewers, and the content.

I have ascended The Holy Mountain and can attest that it is a strange, wonderful place.

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Oh shit! The Call of Duty: Black Ops opening day crushes everything! A face full of steel to Avatar! A molotov cocktail upside the dumb face of Master Chief and his squadron of Spartans. Black Ops had the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history. That’s right, beating even the illustrious Modern Warfare 2.

How big is the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history? How about 5.6 million copies in the United States and United Kingdom.

Jesus good Lord god damn Christ.

Kotaku:

Activision executive Thomas Tippl told an audience of investors in New York that Black Ops has sold $360 million worth of copies in its first 24 hours of release in North America and the U.K. this week, compared to $310 million in the first day of release for Modern Warfare 2 a year ago. Modern Warfare 2 sold a mere 4.7 million copies.

While not an indication of quality by any means, I’m interested in the fact that Black Ops outsold Modern Warfare 2. The developers of MW2, Infinity Ward, and the boys behind Black Ops, Treyarch have never been the best of buddies. And there are considerable divisions between fanboys and fangirls of the two development houses. Douches who swear by World at War while using any opportunity to deride Modern Warfare 2. Then there’s the MW2 dildos, who will shit on anything tied to Treyarch, and their installments.

What is confirmed is my belief that despite their griping from either side of this divide, Call of Duty fans are dirty whores for the franchise. Despite what they may claim, they’ll buy anything. They bought Modern Warfare 2, and then despite Black Ops being developed by measly Treyarch, they bought this son of a bitch in droves as well.

Me? I look to shoot people in the face. In modern times, and in the Cold War. I’m going to be open with you goons, if it’s got Call of Duty on the front, I’m going to be interested enough to buy it. I am the self-admitted sucker.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Just look at the title of this comic book – COWBOY NINJA VIKING.

Now try to convince me that you’re not interested. What’s that, you say it’s impossible? That’s right. Cowboys, ninjas, and vikings are all bad-ass in their own right and an unholy alliance of the three is nearly flabbergasting. In fact, I’m pretty sure that combining such potent staples of fiction is still illegal in the more fearful states of our union.

But I’m a bit of a narrative daredevil. As such, I look forward to partying with the COWBOY NINJA VIKING.

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