Here’s the thing about this season of LOST. A lot of people are worried that the writers don’t have enough time to wrap everything up. I disrespectfully disagree. I think that they have too much fucking time on their hands. And instead of a tightly-knit prolonged orgasm of a season, we’re getting a lot of tip-teasing. Yeah, tip-teasing. There’s a lot of foot-dragging and every episode is backloaded towards the last ten minutes or so. This episode was no different, though I dug the fuck out of it.

Let’s start with the big picture. MiB is clearly being used to some extent, as a doppleganger for the Devil. El Diablo! Repent, or the Smoke Monster will eat you! Or at least, he’ll drag you. He does a lot of dragging. How does he actually kill these people? Just gun them into air, and let gravity do the rest? I’m not hatin’, that’s an awful way to go.

More specifically, last night he reminded me a lot of Milton’s Lucifer from Paradise Lost. Last night, Sayid is given a sword by Dogen and told to go meet MiB in the forest and stab his ass, and he gives him the specific instruction to not let MiB speak to him.

The whole thing wafts of allusions to the snake in the Garden of Eden. Sayid marches through the forest to meet with MiB. He walks through this Eden, because let’s face it, the Island possesses some seriously fucking impressive attributes, and meets up with Smokey. And just like Lucifer, Smokey is a shape-shifter. Naw, not a snake, but an equally impressive black cloud. And just like Lucifer, Smokey’s most powerful quality is his velvet-tongue. Lucifer is all like, yo, dude, eat that fucking apple. But he doesn’t do it by force, he does it by pouring honey into the ears of those around them.

Promising them things.

Just like MiB.

The MiB is arranging some sort of super-squad of douchebags from Oceanic 815 and homeless-looking people. And for all the aspersions he casts on Jacob for being manipulative, he’s just as much. MiB has gone from Sawyer to Sayid to everyone on the Island, and told them of this grand deception that have played a part in – you don’t have to stay here!, your choices were cast for you!, let us all go, now that Jacob is gone!

Throughout the entire time on the Island, he has conspired to kill Jacob. And he has done it all through intermediaries and violence. The fact that he even wears the form of Locke is a testament to his guile and persuasion. His velvet-tongue, his temptations and promises, like the Devil, get people to do his bidding.

Sayid, you can have your babe back!

Claire, you can have your kid back!

Promises, promises, promises.

In LA X, Sayid still wants to bang the hell out of Nadia. Unfortunately, she’s married to his brother. She’s married to him because Sayid was all emo and pushed her away in LA X. And when she’s like, dude, you’re still sweating me, why didn’t you get with this? Our kids would have been way cuter, have you seen my daughter? Her fucking eyebrows look like caterpillars, Sayid has the most disgusting response ever.

Because I don’t…deserve you.

Holy fucking groan! Did he just really say that? Jesus Christ. I turned to my friend Dave, who then barfed onto my crotch. After wiping up the vomit, he asked me, who is writing this? And I told him the Wachowski Brothers. But that was a lie. This season is aggravating, because they’re swinging these mallets instead of making their points. You don’t have to have someone say the words destiny to make your point, nor do you have to make Sayid outright say he doesn’t deserve her?

On the Island, Sayid succumbs to the succor of MiB’s sayings. He sets about killing Dogen and Lennon, which somehow, and I have no idea how, allows for Smokey to infiltrate the Temple of Doom. Really, a random Japanese guy who was a business man was the only thing keeping them out of there? I have to tip my cap to the writers for their handling of Sayid, because I didn’t see it coming. I always assumed that Sayid would be a virtuous dude. Apparently he’s destined to cause misery. OMFG.

The other miserable moment in this episode came when Dogen was telling Sayid about his life. Listen, writers. It’s the final season. We’ve never met this guy before. All he’s been since he was introduced is some contrived mysterious guy, whose entire personality is centered around floating half-baked sentences around to conjure up mystic bullshit. We don’t care about his kid, his dumb baseball, or that he’s an alcoholic.

And furthermore, we’re not going to care when Dogen dies! We barely know the guy! And not only that, what we do know of him, sucks! Thank God he’s fucking dead.

And what exactly was the purpose of the Temple? Does anyone know? It was clumsily introduced at the beginning of the season, and then what? They just sat there for five episodes, everyone in it dies, and now they’re leaving it. Pointless. A waste of time.

On LA X, Sayid once again kills Keamy. Jesus Christ, how creepy is Keamy? And the question about Free Will versus Choice is again raised. It’s erroneous to think that the shit poppin’ off on LA X is destiny. Hurley, Jack, and Locke are all living much nicer livers; albeit quiet and boring and mundane and a waste of my time. But Sayid? Sayid is back to killing again. Keamy, again. Some lives have changed, some are the same.

A strong theory is that LA X is some sort of dreamworld or reality conjured up by Jacob or MiB that gives the people of the Island the life they deserved. Coming at the beginning of this season, the writers kept dropping the word consequence. Consequence. Consequence, consequence, consequence. So perhaps Sayid is being punished in LA X for the fact that he just laid the boom down on everyone in the main reality.

Who knows?

It’s interesting though.

The last ten minutes of the episode were insane, and had me screaming at the top of my lungs. If you watch the show with me, you know I’m not not kidding. MiB busts into the Temple, and starts droppin’ heads. But even more bad ass? Ilana, Ben, and Lapidus roll up! When they showed up, I was like, OH FUCK, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE IS HERE! Lapidus is obviously Superman, Ilana being the Amazonian beauty   she is stands in for Wonder Woman, and Ben is Batman. Just like our boy Wayne, he’s got a million ways out of everything. They were like a supergroup ready to lay the smack down on Smokey. Or at least save whoever wanted to come with them.

Some shit is up with Ilana, and I’m glad they’re not done with her character. When Jacob visited her in The Incident, he spoke to her as though she knew who he was, so she’s got some inside knowledge. Maybe she subscribes to Deities Weekly, and has been writing scholarly articles or some shit. I have no idea. She’s special.

At the end of the episode, the battle lines are drawn. MiB has conjured himself up a legitimate fucking posse. And they roll out in slow-motion, which every single posse should do at one point. I’m not certain where they’re going, but they are rocking out en masse, and they intend on leaving the Island. MiB has promised them all riches and excess freedom. Save for the fact that he’s done it down the barrel of a gun. Come with me and be free, or die. On the other side? There’s Jacob and his crew! Save for uh, the fact that Jacob is dead.

The obvious confrontation is between the philosophies of Jacob and MiB. Do either of them really offer Free Will? I’m not really sure. MiB has propelled people through Force, which fits nicely into people’s comparisons to him with Hobbes. And yeah, Smokey sure looks like a Leviathan, doesn’t he? And Jacob presents with them choices or opportunities. Like our philosopher Locke, not the crippled one, he believes in the human spirit. He doesn’t offer a direct hand, and it is his distanced approach that MiB has exploited as lack of caring, disregard, apathy, cruelness.

In the end, maybe they’re both just exploiting everyone on the Island in some deistic chess match. They are all pieces in a debate over the virtues of humanity. Is Jacob really offering free choice, if he goes to visit these people? Or, as MiB says, does that affect their entire lives, leading them there? And conversely, MiB isn’t offering anyone freedom or choice. In fact, he’s exploiting the very faults he enumerates in the Incident, their greed, their destruction, their consumption, to achieve his release. Who the fuck knows.

This was really long, I’m sorry. I’ll see you next week.

[ source ]

Came across these today. Super fucking gorgeous. Makes me wish I didn’t have bigfoot feet. Seriously, you know what you can buy for size 15 feet? Fucking nothing. Maybe some decent skateboarding sneakers, but nothing along the lines of hawt Star Wars or Bioshock sneakers. Someone buy these and wear them for me. I’ll stand in the corner while you do sick freestyle walking air kicks and shit and touch myself.

One of the things I dug the fuck out of in Knights of the Old Republic was the fact that the more of a motherfucker you were, the more it showed on your physical appearance. It made sense, since back then it was thought that the Dark Side rotted you the fuck out and made you look like a god damn leper. Mind you, this was before George Lucas was all like:

Oh hey guise, guess wut! You know how you thought that the Dark Side was responsible for Palpatine’s look? Psych! It’s actually lame ass lightning reflection caused by Jules from Pulp Fiction! I fucking shit on your established canon! Muwahahaha, and also, guess what! Boba Fett is an annoying little shit, and also a clone. I’m high on meth! I’m a mole-looking douchebag!

Anyways.

So, I was pretty stoked that Bioware brought back the whole “the more of a douchebag you are, the worse you look” thing for Mass Effect 2. The rationale is all, well, you see, Shepard was dead, and they didn’t have time to finish resurrecting her. (Or him.) So uh, the worse you are, the more your fissures crack and your bionics show.

Huh?

Wut?

It doesn’t matter.

On my second playthrough, I pledged to be the biggest piece of shit bad ass the galaxy had ever seen. No man, I ain’t healing you with my medigel! That shit is precious! Yes, assassin I caught in a warehouse, I am stomach-punching you out a fucking window! I’m Shepard! I seen some shit!

And it’s pretty cool. I mean, look at me. I’m a fucking demon. No wonder that’s why no one will sleep with me. Even though I’m like, hey, I saved the galaxy, I saved your ass, now let me tap it. Who doesn’t like seeing physical representations of their behavior? It’s neat, and been echoed in a ton of games like Fable and the such.

So I’m glad that they brought it back, so I can look like the possessed demon rapist that I am in this playthrough. Beware the red eyes of Shepard, if she’s looking at your butt, gender or species be damned, she’s snagging it!

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world of pulp pimp-slaps and man clad of iron.]

First Wave #1

Rejoice, my legion of fellow fanboys and girls. This week we’re getting Brian Azzarello and Rags Morales’ love child First Wave. This shit has been on my radar since last year, when they first announced it. Azzarello and Morales are rocking out in their own DC Universe filled with pulp goodness. There ain’t no Superman, there ain’t no super powers. But there’s Batman carrying a shitload of guns, the Spirit, and Doc Savage. Who according to Azzarello via CBR “is top of the food chain. He’s the Superman.”

Sold.

I’m a total whore for Elseworld titles, and noir schlock, so I’m sold. I’m always down with the concept of Elseworld titles, since the author gets to pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants. They aren’t bound by the typical editorial constraints, “God dammit, you need to have Hal Jordan fighting some Black Lantern..uh..the Black Lantern Pa Kent or some shit in this title, or your tits are mine!” Just a couple of dudes getting to flesh out their own universe. Maybe it’ll suck, maybe it’ll be enjoyable, maybe it’ll be a certain shade of gray.

But I gotta get behind it. I spend so much time grousing about the idea that all stories these days are hindered by editorial-driven Super Events, I’d be a total douchebag to not support something veering off in a different direction.

Green Hornet #1

You can almost feel the Earth shuddering as all the Kevin Smith fanboys shuffle out of their houses and do their master’s bidding as they go and buy this pile of shit. Back in 1999, I would have been beyond pumped for this title. I was sixteen, and I thought Kevin Smith was the greatest thing ever. I also jerked off to pictures of Pamela Anderson’s face photoshopped onto porn stars that I downloaded from AOL chat rooms. Things have changed.

Back then, Smith was ripping it up on Daredevil for the newly-created Marvel Knights line. Dude was teamed up with some guy named Joe Quesada. Back then he was just a great penciller, or the guy who created Ash. And it was a hell of a run, and something that sold me on Daredevil. Listen, I was too young to experience Frank Miller, and I’ve gone back and read it. Chill out. But it was Silent Bob’s tale that got me into the character in the first place.

These days?

These days, Kevin Smith is getting kicked off of airplanes, directing shit like Cop Out, and writing shit slop Zack and Miri Make A Porno, which should have been titled, “I Want to Be Judd Apatow.” Quesada? Quesada is the Marvel Czar.

It really doesn’t matter how good this title is, it’s going to sell. Smith has legions of followers who would buy used pairs of his underwear if they were for sale, or tattoo Snoochie Boochies to their dumb foreheads if commanded. I ain’t totally hating, the guy has penned some of my favorite movies ever. It’s just that he hasn’t done anything since I graduated from high school back in 2001 that I dug the fuck out of, but whatever.

Invincible Iron Man #24

I know I’ve been riding the jock of the Fraction/Larroca run on Invincible Iron Man for a while now, and for that, I apologize. Tomorrow bestows on my salivating ass (can an ass salivate?) the last issue in the Stark: Disassembled story, and I’m pretty amplified over it. Our bro Stark has spent the last eight months or so melting down his mind and drooling all over himself in a hospital bed like Terri Schiavo. But would you believe that just before the second Iron Man movie comes out, he’s going to be back and spit-shined and ready to drink a lot and have sex with beautiful women?

What a coincidence!

I dig the story arc though, and the rest of the Marvel Universe structured around it. They’re rocking out with the whole We’re Getting the Band Back Together! vibe; as Steve Rogers, Tony Stark and our Thor finally put aside their differences and decide to slay ass together. When I realized that Bendis blew up the Avengers seven years ago, I felt old as fuck. I was like, “Man, seven years ago I was typing blog entries in my Mom’s basement…I still am.” Whatever though, feel the wrath of my greasy, fluid-crunchy keyboard!

The dope thing about the storyline is that Fraction manages to craft a storyline that not only adheres to the general direction of the Marvel Universe, but the dude also creates a pretty bizarre storyline. Half of the Stark: Disassembled storyline has been some trippy metaphysical journey through Tony’s mind. For a big title like Invincible to spend half their issues with Stark digging up oranges and being hunted by weird mechanical monsters in his mind is dope.

Also? The art is gorgeous.

Also coming out for Marvel is Ultimate Avengers #5, where I’m sure Mark Millar will blow tons of shit up, while Steve Rogers fights his son, the Red Skull. You read that shit right. Oh, Ultimate universe. And there’s fourteen Deadpool titles dropping, including Prelude to Deadpool Corps #1, featuring Rob fucking Liefeld. Don’t be hatin’, you know that gets your attention. Slap on your Youngblood t-shirt covered in salsa and sweat, and rock the fuck out.

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Wife Does Triple Penetration.

Welcome to Omega Level.

[pic : source]

Spring is coming! As I type this laying on the snow-covered mud-filled backyard of mine, entirely in the nude, I can feel it coming. And it fucking better! Because I fell down my ice-covered god damn stairs on Saturday night. Right in front of my fucking girlfriend. And I could almost hear her thoughts, “I am seriously considering combining genetic material with this lumbering asshole?” So fuck the snow! Despite feeling my lower extremities freezing as I type this on my iPhone in said snow bank, I can almost hear the birds. And flying saucers. I think I may be experiencing brain death. Shit.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

Read the rest of this entry »

Found this over at Kotaku thanks to a friend. This was a a status that was legitimately considered for Fallout 2. Amazing.

Via Kotaku

Yeah … we can see why that was cut from the game and replaced instead with the “Hated” reputation icon. Just in case it’s not clear to you that Vault Boy’s kicking mom in the womb, that gown helpfully indicates baby’s on board. I don’t think you’ll go to hell for laughing at this – but you will if you imagine it accompanied by a Looney Tunes kettle drum sound, like I did.

“Childkiller” was not a frivolous or even a desirable thing in Fallout 2. You got the status if you killed a kid, even accidentally, and for some characters it wasn’t obvious the game considered them children. Even without offensive art this capability was too controversial for consoles, so in Fallout 3 you couldn’t even attack a child character.

Sometimes even I am amazed by something’s offensive qualities. Well done.