Apparently some guy from Visceral Games is shocked that Dead Space Extraction isn’t selling well.

Via Destructoid:

According to a NeoGAF post from a Visceral Games employee- “It is a shame that no one bought this (Dead Space Extraction). As much as everyone made fun of Frank Gibeau’s ‘experiment’, it will actually influence the SKU plan with respect to the Wii”. So I guess we’ll be seeing less games like DSE on the Wii from here on out, but is that a bad thing?

How can anyone be surprised by the poor sales? I’d like to construct a list of things that have me saying “No shit, dude.”

1.

It’s a Wii game.

Allow me to show you the Wii demographic:

Dead Space Extraction is a Mature game on a system that is sold to people who shit their pants. Grandparents, elementary school students and me. How well do you expect a mature game to sell to this demographic? No, seriously. The real gamers are playing real video game systems, my friend.

2.

It’s a on-rails-shooter based on a well-received, but only marginally known game. Alright, I’m going to make some leaps that are probably incorrect. According to Wikipedia, Dead Space sold over a million copies. However, that’s across three platforms. But again, those are platforms that are played by more enthusiastic gamers. In other words, not those who own a Wii. Sure, some guys who own a 360/PS3 own a Wii. I do. But does the average Wii owner have any idea what Dead Space is?

Furthermore, as I said, it’s an on-the-rails-shooter. In other words, they scrapped the formula that made the original game successful. So this game is a sort of shoot-off, non-related title. So if you liked the original Dead Space? Yeah, this game isn’t like that. I’m positing they made the change because they are either fools, or they knew the Wii would catch on fire if it tried to replicate the original.

To sum it up: A title that probably isn’t known well by the core of the Wii audience, and for those who do know it, it’s a deviation from the formula that made the original so dope.

3.

It came out at the end of September. This is what we call throwing a title out to the wolves. A couple weeks before Dead Space Extraction, Halo: ODST dropped. The next couple of months following it sees Brutal Legend, Uncharted 2, Borderlands, Ratchet and Clank, Assassin’s Creed 2, Modern Warfare 2 and on and on and on. In other words, the gamers who know Dead Space probably have their plates full.

And the ones who don’t? They’re probably playing their seven-hundredth round of Wii Tennis and thinking it’s the greatest thing ever.

Yeah well fuck me, I didn’t get this thing up yesterday. No good excuses, aside from poor time management. My brother works seventy-five hours a week and then churns out an Octoberfeast everyday. File under: Why  Pepsibones has a 4.0 and I’m a slacker. Let’s do this anyways.

Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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File this one under drive-by posting.

I’m just stopping here to once again give props to George Zapata. After writing this entry in which I heaped all sorts of (well-deserved) praise, the aspiring artist emailed me to express his gratitude. I giggled to myself, thinking it ridiculous that someone so talented would be so appreciative of a lowly blogger recognizing the obvious.

And then I came to my senses. I had to ask,  “Hey, do you do commissions?”

In a matter of weeks Zapata was able to take my idea, provide me with rough sketches, make the appropriate alterations and send out the final copy. Due in no small part to his professionalism and skill, I am now the proud owner of a sick Morrison-era JLA sketch. Additionally, the price was very reasonable and I stand behind every dollar spent.

If I can figure out a way to scan it, I  will proudly  showcase this piece of original art. `Tis gorgeous.

But more importantly, make sure you check out GZapata for yourself.

DeviantArt

Website

Blog

As you know by now, OCTOBERFEAST is a celebration of the depraved, socially-subversive and utterly vile aspects of society. It is the allotted time in which we can openly revel in horrors otherwise reserved for the solace of an empty house. Casting aside the societal-pressures by which they are bound, every individual is encouraged to use OCTOBERFEAST to rejoice in the most delightfully despicable of activities.

So it only stands to reason that OCTOBERFEAST takes a detour into the terrifying world of professional wrestling.

In and of itself, pro-wrestling is fucking horrifying. The premise behind this hillbilly-phenomenon is that a bunch of oiled up steroid-junkies pretend to engage in an athletic event. In the process, there are entrances with theme music and pyrotechnics, fights with ladders, and a total disregard for referee safety. It’s madness, total madness. What type of person would actually watch this?

Of this already strange, bizarre world, the persona that best fits into the OCTOBERFEAST menu is inarguably the Undertaker. The Undertaker, as a serious athlete, is a supernatural being who defies that with which he is most fascinated: death. When Undertaker debuted he was accompanied by the also cleverly-named Paul Bearer, a pale slob who carried around an urn which contained the wrestler’s power! Rounding out the Undertaker’s macabre personality are his signature finishing moves, the choke slam and tombstone piledriver.

Even if the Undertaker wasn’t a kinky ghoul, his trademark matches more than qualify him for an unpaid internship position at the OCTOBERFEAST. The Casket Match sees two combatants squaring off until one manages to seal the other within a coffin. There’s the  Buried Alive Match, in which the Undertaker beats ass and then  uses the  training from his first career as he buries you alive (how morbid!). And last but not least is the Hell in a Cell Match — the wrestlers fight within a modified steel cage and act in such a manner as to give the impressionable youth plenty of bad ideas.

The idea of an actual servant of the Devil receiving state sanction to compete in athletic league is ludicrous — that’s why it fits into OCTOBERFEAST. I haven’t watched pro-wrestling in years, but I hope the Undertaker is still busy burying opponents and conjuring evil spectres.

For your amusement — an Undertaker match from 1990:

OCTOBERFEAST has shown a more merciful side today, granting access to an entry that had been already been cut twice. During the drawing of the initial list, this film came up but was then excised in favor of its predecessor. The second draft of the OCTOBERFEAST lineup saw the formation of the WEREWOLF TRILOGY (we’ll get there in a few days) and so the movie was scrapped in the hopes of avoiding redundancy.

But here we are — in the midst of an OCTOBERFEAST miracle! Maybe it’s because I’m a sucker for Jason Bateman or maybe it’s because it is the best film of 1987, but there’s no way I could not present Teen Wolf Too!

Written by Jeph Loeb (yes, the same guy from yesterday), Teen Wolf Too is about a teenager who is struggling academically, socially and athletically. His life is in the toilet and he just wishes there were a way to take a stand. Then, he finds out he’s a werewolf and everything gets better — just like it would in real life.

Teen Wolf Too is pretty much the exact same movie as Teen Wolf — except instead of Michael J. Fox doing his best to be the alpha-dog of the high school basketball team, we have Jason Bateman (playing his cousin) doing his best to succeed on the college boxing team. Purely speculating, I’m sure that Michael J. Fox was asked back for Too but preferred to spend two years preparing to finish the McFly role in Back to the Future II & III. It’s called method acting, duh.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about this at all — in my book, two 1980’s flicks about teenage wolfmen is definitely better than one. This movie has all sorts of great shit to keep you watching: boxing on par with any scene from Rocky, dance sequences, and the always wonderful Mark Holton. I imagine that if I were to pound a few brews, put on a Gary Numan record and try to shirtlessly write a movie, the result would be similar to Teen Wolf Too.

If you’re not too proud to embrace the cheese that got America through the Cold War, watch Teen Wolf Too.

I saw Paranormal Activity last night. I also slept with my television, and all the lights in my bedroom on. I had heard a lot of hype about PA going into my viewing last night, and I was fairly certain it was going to scare me. I’m an easy scare. No, really. I always joke that whatever friend accompanies me to a movie is my date for the night. I ain’t got any pride, or any testicular fortitude. Last night while being shaken to timbers by PA, I was practically dry-humping my friend Jesse’s leg. I was also letting forth a stream of marginally intelligible rantings that sounded something like:

Fuck this movie, seriously fuck this movie, you’re right, we should have seen Where the Wild Things Are, fuck, fuck, what’s happening, what’s happening, fuck this movie, this movie is horrible, I want to go home.

But I don’t regret seeing it. It’s an excellent movie. It just so happens to make my skin crawl when I even think about it.

Well Ian, what if I’m not a complete wimp?

That’s a good question. The two friends I went with are both pretty strong minded dudes. I think it takes a good amount to creep them out. But they both got the chills from this movie. Trust me, I wasn’t looking much at the screen. Besides grinding against Jesse’s body, I was preferring to stare at his face at the beginning of every time-lapse sequence. His expression to every eerie moment seemed to scream,

What the fuckkkkkkkkkk?

Paranormal Activity succeeds because it doesn’t show you much. It builds the tension continually throughout the movie. The happenings themselves begin as harmless. They begin to increase in severity as the movie plays out, and you have the uncomfortable feeling that something awful is amok. This is all interwoven through the time-lapsed camera technique they use. If that means nothing to you, when they show film of the couple sleeping, sometimes the film will be fast-forwarded.

And then it’ll stop, which indicates to the audience that something is going to occur.

The brilliance is that it’s a continual build. You begin to become tense right when the film cuts to the couple sleeping, because there are moments when the male protagonist Micah is just walking around the house with the camera. And then you become more tense when it begins fast-forwarding, because you know it’s catching you to…something. And then when it finally stops fast forwarding? Silence.

Almost every single time the fast-forwarding stops, still nothing happens immediately. So you sit there, watching the couple sleep. And you’re staring at the seconds ticking by on the bottom right hand corner of the “camera”. Waiting, waiting, waiting for something.

And then?

And then you dry-hump your friend’s leg.

Friday — this, of course, means time to drink beer.

Unfortunately, for the past two days I have felt terrible. I don’t usually get sick, so when I do I like to think that the ship has finally hit the gigantic fuckin’ iceberg. Maybe I’ve got Swine Flu. Or polio. Or something.

Probably not though. What I should do is relax, go to bed early and get ready to feel better in the morning. But, it’s Friday and that means I have to fulfill a promise I made to you to consume alcohol and report on it.

Regardless of what alcoholics tell you, drinking when you’re sick will not make you feel better. You may smile a bit a more, but after passing out you will wake up feeling worse than drunk and sick — this is synergy in action. So it was with some trepidation that I approached the taking of my weekly drink.

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In case I haven’t told you, comic books are one of my favorite things in the world. Without exaggeration, I would argue that comics are just as artful as any other medium and provide a generally unrivaled integration of image and word. There is no experience quite like flipping through the pages of a good comic, becoming drawn in by paneled wonder and storytelling mastery.

With such a zealous appreciation, it only stands to reason that OCTOBERFEAST would include a serving of sequential art. I contemplated this decision for some time, trying to figure which funny-book would make the cut. At first, I though about including the Halloween-beatdown of Hollis Mason from Watchmen, but then realized that would be opening a can of worms with which I’m not quite ready to deal. Then, I considered submitting a review of the best/worst comic book Halloween costumes but that wasn’t really what I wanted to go for either.

And then it hit me. Hard. I felt like a fucking buffoon for not thinking of it right from the get-go:

The Long Halloween

One of the many collaborations between Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale, The Long Halloween is a thirteen-issue miniseries that follows Gotham City’s Dark Knight for a full calendar year. Starting and finishing on Halloween, the series sees a mysterious killer known only as Holiday claiming his victims on…well, holidays. The defenders of Gotham do their best to prevent the monthly massacres, with mixed results. At conclusion of The Long Halloween, Batman (and the reader) comes to the realization that justice may not always manifest in easily recognizable forms.

It is Loeb’s storytelling that truly sets up The Long Halloween for success. This is Jeph Loeb in his prime — crafting a murder mystery that keeps the reader guessing until the very end (and even after). Taking place in the formative years of his crime fighting career, Loeb takes Bruce Wayne through the rigors of doling out cans of whoop-ass to Gotham’s underworld. With the help of Captain Gordon and District Attorney Dent, Batman combats a mob empire comprised of the Falcone, Viti, Maroni, Gazzo, Sullivan, and Skeevers families. It is a dense tale full of interconnection, but Loeb pulls it off.

Loeb’s written story is only surpassed by Tim Sale’s illustrative execution. With the main players of the Rogues Gallery at his disposal, Sale gets the opportunity to put his signature stamp on much of the Bat-Universe. While I typically equate Sale’s art with the aesthetics of cartoons/animation, I think his performance in The Long Halloween  steps into  more realistic territory. Looking back on it, I remember being particularly struck by the use of shadows and negative space. Before being the best part of the lackluster Heroes, Tim Sale routinely rocked comics — The Long Halloween is undeniable evidence.

Even if you’re too much of a dingbat to check out The Long Halloween, you have probably still enjoyed its main themes and plot. Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins and The Dark Knight both liberally borrow from The Long Halloween:

A young Bruce Wayne trying to get his footing as Batman? – Yup.

A mob war threatening to take over Gotham City? – Yup.

James Gordon, a rare example of excellence in the GCPD, rising through the ranks?  -Yup.

“I believe in Harvey Dent”? — Yup.

Batman, Gordon and Harvey Dent working together…until a horrible accident disfigures Dent and changes the nature of the relationship? – You bet your ass.

The Long Halloween is a meaty text. But it’s a worthwhile one. As a limited series featuring only the most recognizable figures of the Batman mythos, The Long Halloween is accessible to even the most casual of fans.

For the sake of OCTOBERFEAST, and to make yourself a better human being, give it a read.

Just one of the many scenes from which "The Dark Knight" & "Batman Begins" took a cue.

Helllllllllll, yeah! I haven’t updated Search Engine Terms in a while. There’s been a bunch of good searches, but I was proud of this newest one.

Fucking in Superman Position! It’s well documented that I pioneered the Superman Fuck. Now we have like minded individuals looking for a home, wanting nothing more than to advance their sexual techniques. Well my friends, you’ve come to the correct place for fucking in various superhero positions.

Welcome!

I also want to give a shout out to Superman Cum Shots. I really want to meet the people who are down with such things. They’ll either be really cool, or they’ll trap me in their dungeon and rape me ruthlessly. Either way, I uh, win!

Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unhealthy love for Mass Effect. Despite it’s seven-thousand flaws, I fell madly in love with it. I’m a sucker for space-operas, and this one wanked me off to the point of exhaustion. I’ve been anticipating its sequel since the original release, and now I finally have a date to look forward to.

Via Kotaku:

The epic space RPG continues on January 26th in North America, with Europe joining the fray three days later on the 29th. Along with the release date announcement, EA has revealed preorder bonus equipment available via download code once the game hits store shelves.

January 26th, 2009. With a kind kiss to Far Too Understanding Girlfriend’s forehead, six twelve-packs of the Diet Mountain Dew, and an adult diaper strapped to my crotch, I will submerge into the mancave. I better tackle all the shit on my syllabuses a bit beforehand, because I plan on playing this game until I pass out in my own mess. Then I will wake up, and do it again.