Things that none of us using XBL have ever said: man, I wish that the service had original content. Yet another mind-numbing romantic comedy or the sort. Executives, however, are ever blind to what we actually want.
Microsoft hires CBS EXECUTIVE to make original content for Xbox. This can ONLY BE AWFUL.
September 19th, 2012 by Caffeine PoweredMICROSOFT Is Going to “Further Monetize” Xbox Live This Holiday Season. ADS IN YOUR BRAIN.
April 16th, 2012 by Caffeine Powered
I don’t usually admit this, but what Microsoft requires you to pay for on Xbox Live is bullshit. Feel a bit guilty in intimating that. It’s double-bullshit now that they have horrible (albeit expected) ads across the dashboard. If the LinkedIn profile of some Microsoft Money Wizard is correct, we ain’t seen nothing yet.
New York State Removes Sex Offenders From Xbox Live. Sensibility ++
April 7th, 2012 by Caffeine Powered
This makes almost too much sense. New York State went out of their way this week to remove registered sex offenders from Xbox Live.
FABLE: HEROES Turns RPG Series Into Brawler. Looks 10x Better
March 5th, 2012 by Caffeine Powered
No one really gives a fuck about the Fable franchise besides Peter Molyneux. Don’t lie. You don’t. You don’t. It’s tepid at best. Filler at its least threatening. However in a week of leaks, Xbox.com has let forth info on Fable: Heroes early. First impressions? It’s an arcadey co-op brawler. It looks awesome.
Hit the jump for images.
Home Robbery Happens During Xbox Live Match, Other Gamer Notifies Police. Community!
December 6th, 2011 by Caffeine Powered
During the wee hours of Tuesdays morning, a dude was engaged in some quality Xbox-ing when his home was broken into. It was dire circumstances! However, thanks to the quality community of Xbox Live (lol right?), the police were notified.
‘Mass Effect 3′ Private Beta Is Open for Some Xbox Live Users. JEALOUSY.
November 5th, 2011 by Caffeine Powered
Lucky motherfuckers who got into the Xbox Live Dashboard preview have managed to lay inter-paws on the Mass Effect 3 Private Beta. It’s glitchy and clearly not ready for public consumption. But more than that, it’s got a pretty insipid way of delineating play style.
Hit the jump for info and images.
Xbox Live Is Getting Cloud Storage For Saved Games and ‘Beacons.’
June 6th, 2011 by Caffeine Powered
When it was announced that PS3 was getting cloud storage for saved games, I was all, ‘that’s dope, but not worth paying for.’ Well now it’s coming to XBL, and the good news is this: I’m already paying for it. Maybe like a dummy, but it’s all gravy! Cloud-based saved games was just one part of an assload of new features for XBL, including ‘Beacons.’
Microsoft Is Helping Out Young Xbox Live Hacker! Kindness!
May 26th, 2011 by Caffeine Powered
While it’s news to me, apparently there was a scam going around Xbox Live last month. Some dude was phishing in Modern Warfare 2, and when he was caught Microsoft didn’t drop the hammer on him. They had him cozy up to their sweaty, stinking, but bizarrely comforting side.
Press Start!: Drinking With Video Games and Drug Binges.
March 12th, 2011 by Caffeine Powered
Prepare thyself for the newest iteration of Press Start! The column where I puke up the top five things in the gaming world that caught my eye this week. It’s a democratic column, I want your input. Hit the comments box with your findings. True Believers! Gaming scientists!
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#1: Drunken NES: A Breathalyzer and 8-Bit Game In One.
This is one of those concoctions that fucking staggers me. It sends me into a spiralling moment of quasi-stoner amazement. Someone had to think up this brilliant piece of minutiae. Imagine this, if you can. Enterprising video game mechanical programming wizards had a dream. Their dream was simple. First, they had to make a breathalyzer out of an original Nintendo Entertainment System cartridge. No small task! I have it on good authority many a modern day Prometheus has been felled by such a challenge.
Then, they had to craft a video game for the original Nintendo Entertainment System – yes I’m typing it out to be awkward – that could interface with this creation. By blowing your disgusting Oats and Hops stink-rot-gut-breath into the cartridge, the game would then calculate the level of your drunken stupor and rate your inebriated ass in 8-Bit glory.
It’s fucking radical.
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#2: Uncharted 3′s Villainess Revealed; Wrinkled Old Hottie.
Fuck yeah I like my gaming occasionally in the form of a megaton zillion-dollar production value big blockbuster. Fuck yeah! You disagree. Oh okay! You go have fun shaving in Heavy Rain or playing Limbo and waxing intellectual about how it’s totally ambient and deconstructs the medium and blah, blah, blah. I’m fucking amplified for Uncharted 3. Boom. Can’t wait. I say deliver me from boring fetch quests! I say deliver me from conversation wheels. Just for a bit. Throw me into the comforting bosom of gaming entertainment excess.
And in relation to this excess, this week Naughty Dog revealed the villainess behind Nathan Drake’s woes. Meet Katherine Marlowe. She’s a bit of a hottie for an older women, isn’t she? She’s voiced by Elizabeth Hurley, but she gets me tingling like Helen Mirren. Some cavernous old cleavage and wields power to boot. Is it November 1, yet?
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#3: Microsoft Sells A Shitload of Kinects; Gets Punked.
It was an up and down week for our buddy Billy Gates’ company. Though I have to say their good news far outweighs the little bit of hacking righteousness that they were subjected to. You see, when you can lay claim to having the fastest selling electronic device ever, I’m sure everything glows.
This week it was announced that the Microsoft Kinect has sold ten million units. As well, Microsoft has moved ten million Kinect games. Wrap that shit around your brain-piece for a second. Since its release on November 4, 2010 it has averaged 133,333 units sold a day. Fastest device ever. More than your Apple iPhone, iPad, iMac, iThing, iMinimalist Swag.
However, it wasn’t all fucking roses for Microsoft this week! No sir. Hackers cracked the algorithm that generated the seemingly random numbers on the back of MS Points cards. You know, those cards you buy so you can spend the equivalent of $5 on a lightsaber for your avatar. Or so you can download that fucking shitty Dead Space 2 DLC (not that I’m bitter).
Being the benevolent hackers that they were, they used this algorithm to generate over 1 million dollars worth of points. Fantastic! It was short-lived as Microsoft said they killed all those points generated, but still, man! Lock that shit down, Microsoft! I paid good fucking money for my Mass Effect M7 t-shirt for my avatar. No fucking freebies!
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Loophole Cost Microsoft Over 1 Million In MS Points.
March 10th, 2011 by Caffeine Powered
You know those long ass fucking string of numbers and letters than accompany your MS Points cards? They may seem like fucking gibberish, but there’s a method to the madness. Yesterday, hackers deciphered that madness, and used it to generate 1.2 million dollars in MS Points.
