It’s eerie to waltz around a world I’ve seen in trailers on and off since 2011. Eerie and awe-inspiring. Columbia is another City 17; avid gamers will hopefully feel happy to hear me draw the comparison.
There’s been so much said about the game, both from two years’ worth of previews and advance (groan) exclusive reviews over the past week. I won’t waste your time with fluff; here are some (spoiler-free) thoughts from my five-hour foray into Columbia so far.
I have smashed together a couple of interesting reports for you folks. Taken them by their quaint domes and mashed, combining them into a one-stop servicing for all your Sony going Intangible needs.
Wouldn’t this be some shit! Sony has filed a patent for a mechanism or some kind of wizardry that interrupts Tommy Jerkin’ Loins’ game of Uncharted 3 to push soda pop. My goodness.
I was really high on The Last of Us when the first trailer dropped back in December; some of us around here weren’t. This second trailer has kept my blood flowing into all the juicy places. Played out zombies? Familiar looking protagonist? Juno Girl? I don’t care. I’m sold. Sold, sold, sold.
Sony’s been working on a Super Smash Bros. equivalent. We’ve known that for a while. Now we know the name of it, and it is so fantastically awful my ass clapped. Yeah dude. My ass. It clapped.
You have to appreciate Sony’s desire to swagger despite getting hacked this year. Global strategy Fascist Plotter for Sony So Saida has dropped some more encouraging words regarding the attack that spread like a blight across the network and left all of us X-bots giggling. What’d he say? Wasn’t no thang, we made the dough!
Press Start!, the week of E3. There was a time when E3 was a wondrous occasion. Those days are gone now, like leaves from a tree. With the advent of the Internet, everything is known weeks prior. Secrets exposed, dissected. Shit is passé before it’s even revealed. Take for example Nintendo’s Wii U. While I’ll admit that seeing any new console in motion gets me up, it would have truly blown my asshole out if they could have kept the entirety of it secret until the conference.
With that in mind, let us not spend the entirety of our fleeting brain-focus-capacities on regurgitating the quasi-reveals and appreciable moments of the Big Three at the show. Let us instead turn our ADD-addled brains towards shooting the shit about the show. Deal? Press Start!’s usual conceit is pressed pause in lieu of some geek spit.
Pigs! If oogling Catwoman from afar in Batman: Arkham City wasn’t good enough for you, now you’ve hit the jackpot. Selina Kyle isn’t just going to be a latex-clad foil and sexual dynamo for the players to drool over. No sir! She’s going to be a fully playable character. A manipulable fetish object for everyone to enjoy. This was revealed today in an impressively sexist trailer complete with gratuitous shots of ass, glistening lips, and a “warrior pose” which has Kyle arching her back, pushing out her tits, and posing for your enjoyment.
Female empo-meow-erment, lol, get it? Awful, I know.
Hit the jump for the reveal trailer.
Sony’s having a rough fucking go of it this year. Latest case in point: the PSN calamity which has kept may a dork aflutter with video game website news is going to cost them $171 million.
Welcome to Press Start! The column where I jot down five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. Poor edited!, check. Zero revisions!, check. Cobbled together on a couple of wings, a prayer, and ridiculous amounts of caffeine in the early hours of the morning.
I encourage all dorks and dinks and nerds and nincompoopto contribute what they dug this week.
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#1: Grand Theft Auto Gives You Extra Points For Killing Kids!
Oh fuck son! I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto wrong for nearly ten fucking years. Longer than that if you take into account the first two top-down games. Yeah! Yeah, yeah! All these years I’ve been playing and I’ve never been aware that you get more points for killing children and old fuckers.
This nonsense stems out of a tragedy that went down last Thursday in Brazil. Wellington Menezes de Oliveira “opened up fire at a school in Rio de Janeiro killing 12 pupils and injuring 13 others, aged between 12- and 14-years-old.” Not cool, at all.
Quite obviously.
Unfortunately spinsters vomit up bullshit, seizing any opportunity to massage their own importance glands through hyperbole and sensationalism. Two days later in O Globo, one of the biggest newspapers in Brazil, ran an article which didn’t have time for things like fact checking. It claimed that Oliveira played games like Counterstrike and Grand Theft Auto where “you score more points for killing women, children and old people.”
News to me! Fucking news to me.
Remember kids, no tragedy is ever so saddening you can’t use it to churn up slop, or pen the same old tired media nonsense.
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#2) Creator of the Video Game Cartridge Passes Away.
Jerry Lawson. His name was Jerry Lawson! Lawson was the creator of the video game cartridge, and this week the good sir went and tripped the light fantastic. It never even occurred to my dumb ass that the cartridge was something forged by man. I always fancied it some sort of platonic ideal, derived from the Other Realm, where unicorns and Justice can cavort about together.
No sir, we made it. Well, Lawson and his group of pioneers over at Fairchild Semiconductor. With that cartridge, he no doubt helped craft the childhood of many a million of dorks. Like you and me. Sitting here, in this gaming column, communicating via news born out of an industry of cartridges.
More than just what they housed, the physical cartridge was a staple of my childhood. Good god damn how many times did I go blue in my face blowing in them. Stacking those sons a bitches up. Flipping them to friends at lunch.
The cartridge. Staple of a childhood baked in dorkey, roasted in the fires of nerdiness.
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#3) Sony and Geohot Settle Out of Court.
It’s finally fucking over. Geohot, the dorkiest wanna-be hard ass in the gaming community settled with Sony out of court this week. You may remember Geohot as the dude who outed the PlayStation 3′s root key. Then he wrote an awful rap telling Sony to come and get him. They obliged, sending their lawyers, Death Stars, and various underlings after his ass.
At that point, he may have fled to South America, or gone there for Spring Break. Depending on whose story you believe.
All of that is over now, as the Totally Believing In Something Kid no longer wants to deal with a court battle with An Enormous Corporation State. Go figure! How quickly one’s ideology wilts in the face of a armada of litigation or whatever other more appropriate legal word I should be using.
Well, that’s that.
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