SPACE LETTUCE, mofuckahs. The time is now, now, now. NASA’s Greens In The Black Expanse of Oblivion project is almost ready to bare…veggies. In space, no one can hear your kids scream about getting veggies! Other dumb intro sentences!
Yes, NASA! Yes! Hurry up with your wunder-technologies. I need to get off this fucking Blue Marble. I got a list of debts a mile long, a warrant in my name, and a boyfriend with genital warts who isn’t particularly happy about me. And a fiance and she ain’t happy about me having that wart-covered boyfriend neither!
Pack your bags! Once we can conquer the impossible and traffic faster than light, we’ve found our first stop. Motherfuckin’ Earth-sized planet has been spotted in the “juicy space spot”, where planets thrive. I’m just spit balling. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Too busy fingering my ass in public and screaming “you’ll never find me where I’m going!” while wearing my NASA space suit.
Wooorrrddd. While the Big Bang may have given rise to like, all of this, our solar system is a bit more of homey place. I can just feel Sol-related news more. I mean, it’s probably — I don’t want to sound cynical but it’s probably — the only solar system I’ll ever call home. So news that they’ve captured 7 particles from its birth is pretty gnarly, man.
NASA is offering a hefty bag of loot to anyone who can help unfuck their plans to capture an asteroid. And tow that son of a bitch to the Moon. Okay maybe “unfuck” is the wrong word. How about “assist in the surmounting of the more problematic issues” regarding this rad as fuck plan?
We’re going to Europa! With a fucking robot in tow! Make no mistake about it, we’re hunting down life. The Europians shall soon know the glory that is McDonald’s, American football, and human excess! Flee while you can, fuckers!
This is a picture of a sunset on Mars. Just kick back and imagine yourself beholding this beholden beauty upon the Red Dunes of Bradbury-Land. Pass the Space-Beer and the Red Martian Sticky, and let’s let infinity unfold in our minds.
All the planets! We will discover them all! And then — then we will silently weep because we will never reach any of them. Goddamn technological limitations! Goddamn laws of the Universe.
How about dis sheeeeeet? Cassini is rocking out, all gobbling up pictures of Saturn and shit when WHOOSH the goddamn rings disappear. Now you’re thinking what I’m thinking. The rings are techno-organic nano-bots that are operating as a hive mind. They’ve been activated, and now are en route to Earth. Close. We’re close. You see — actually we’re not close. It’s a matter of perspective.
The Big Eye in the Sky ain’t limited to spying on homeless dudes in the streets, our dongs in our houses, and the wild packs of Werewolves that dominate the suburbs on weekends. No ma’am! It’s also got its eye on the Mars Opportunity Rover, making sure it doesn’t discover the secret Illuminati base on Mars. Scary, right? But there’s a bonus! We get wild pictures like this.