FFXIII « OMEGA-LEVEL

Monday Morning Commute: Johnathan Swift Makes Me Stiff

April 5th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

Afternoon

Spring has sprung! Or something. It’s always weird when the days are nice, but life hasn’t returned to the barren shitland of New England. There’s something odd about walking around and loving the blue skies and warm weather and seeing no leaf or greenery within my purview. Whatever, I’ll take the sunlight, man. Nothing perks up my spirits (and all of humanity’s) like a nice beautiful day outside. It’s almost enough to make me forget the ashen butthole that is winter time.

Can you notice I’m falling less and less in love with snow and frost? It never used to bother me when I was young. Now I hate it with a ferocity usually reserved for dying on boss fights, or the prequels.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

So sexy

Reading / Gulliver’s Travels, Jonathan Swift

Every once in a while I try and stunt and pretend I don’t like the enormous workload of reading I have to pull for school. But if I’m being completely honest, I generally dig most of what I’m reading. (Ignoring completely like 75% of the shit I’m pulling for one particular class this semester.)

And if there’s one dude I’ve always dug reading, it’s Jonathan Swift. Do yourself a favor and check out The Lady’s Dressing Room. The dude is a pretty ballin’ ass satirist and social commentator. And so when I found out that I had to read him, I was understandably excited. A little bit.

Despite the fact that I enjoyed his work, and I’ve always sadly associated Gulliver’s Travels with that NBC mini-series or some shit. I think it starred Ted Danson. So when I had to write it, I was like, fuck me, I can’t bare this.

And then?

Apparently it’s dope social commentary like the majority of his other work. You know, wrapped-up in a bunch of fairy tales and shit. Ignore the talking horses and take it as a critique on rationalism, government, and the such. One recurring thought while I work through my old-school British literature classes is how amazingly the same we have been for the last four hundred years. I don’t know if I find this comforting, or haunting.

Progression is an illusion! BRB, jerking off to Post-Modern theory. Just kidding.

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Final Fantasy XIII Versus Has Airships And A World Map. FUCK. YES.

March 17th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

!!!

I fucking miss world maps in Final Fantasy titles. A lot. They ain’t really been around since what, Final Fantasy IX? And with Final Fantasy XIII turning into one long-ass corridor for like a zillion hours, I despaired that we would never see one again. Well, we’re getting one in Final Fantasy XIII Versus.

via Andriasang:

Question: How far along is Versus?

Answer: Not everything is connected together, so the various areas have different levels of progress. However, you can fly across the world map in an air ship.

Yes.com

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Monday Morning Commute: Build An Ark for the Japanese Porn Actress

March 15th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

SAKURA

I’ve never been a big fan of Spring. I don’t know why. While everyone is rejoicing at the return of blue skies and fresh air, I’m miserable. I think it has to do with several things. Firstly, the moment life returns to the plains of despair that are New England winters, my sinuses fill with enough muck to cement a wall with. And secondly, I find the air to be harsh at night, and cold in the morning. It’s a cock-tease. It’s like halfway decent out there. At least with the winter, you know what you’re getting: misery.

During the Spring, I don’t know what the fuck to wear, I don’t know what it’s going to be like out. Either I’m freezing, or I’m wearing too much and I’m sweating through my fucking clothing again. Pit stains need to come into fashion, or I’m going to live a very unfashionable life. It doesn’t seem that implausible, I mean, these days assholes are shelling out legitimate amounts of cash for pants that look like a painter fucked his co-worker in the middle of a job, and then got into a knife fight. Maybe some day there will be pseudo-pit stains, already burned into the shirts you buy.

A man can dream.

Fang

Playing / Final Fantasy XIII

I’m going to be straight with you. For a while, I was despairing that I hated Final Fantasy XIII. It wasn’t clicking. I didn’t like the characters, I found the story to be overly melodramatic, and I was pissed off that one of the chicks is being cast as a fourteen year-old porn actress. But last night, shit finally clicked. I don’t know what it was that finally got me into the game. For certain, the storyline has begun to develop, and I actually feel like I know the peeps I’m controlling.

For the longest time, they were a bunch of assholes that I hadn’t built a rapport with uttering shit like “Fighting without hope is no way to live! It’s just a way to die!” and I’m all really? But then I popped a xanax and let out a deep breath.

I don’t know why I had such an aversion to the overtly cheesy material. But now I’m just accepting it as excessively over the top, and trying to accept it for what is, not be aggravated for what it isn’t. And when you approach it that way, it’s a lot easier to get back into the groove.

Also? It’s fucking gorgeous, and the battle system makes my butt pucker with intensity.

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Final Fantasy XIII Impressions: When Vanille Casts A Spell, It Sounds Like She’s Getting Boned

March 14th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

The Poor Girl

I already t hought it was creepy how hyper-sexualized Vanille is in Final Fantasy XIII. Then tonight, I noticed something. Every time Vanille casts a spell, she sounds like a Japanese porn actress. Like, no, really. I’m not making that up. And worst of all? I don’t really enjoy it. I find it unsettling.

This has to do with the fact that Japanese porn actresses always sound like eleven year-old girls getting fucked by their gym teacher in porn scenes. High-pitched, slightly resigned yelps. It’s freaking me the fuck out. It’s enough to get me to not enjoy Japanese porn, which is a feat considering I’m a fucking pervert. And it’s also enough to make me really uncomfortable playing as her in Final Fantasy XIII. Every time I cast Fira, it sounds like a fucking girl is getting molested.

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Final Fantasy XIII Impressions: PARADIGM SHIFTING IS FUN

March 13th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

LITTLE DUDE KID

One of the dopest things about Final Fantasy XIII for me so far is the battle system. It’s perfectly suited for my caffeine-soaked brain. It’s hyper-kinetic, and has you all over the place. I’m all WHOOSH WHOOSH PARADIGM SHIFT HEAL HEAL WHOOSH WHOOSH BACK TO KICKING ASS. Sometimes I lament the fact that I cannot control who is the party leader yet, and I also lament the fact that I cannot intervene and take control of the automated douchebags in my party. But other than that, it’s right up my alley. I like the fact that it has you hopping in and out or formations to suit the situation, and it feels like that concept compensates for the lack of autonomy you have over your other party members.

PARADIGM SHIFT.

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Final Fantasy XIII Impressions: Square Enix Wants You to Fap to Teenagers

March 11th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

Jail Bait

You have to give it up to Square Enix. They don’t even try to be subtle in their hyper-sexualizing of teenagers in Final Fantasy XIII. Sometimes FFXIII feels like a copy of Barely Legal for overweight and underweight nerds.

At first I thought I was just a big pervert when I began playing Final Fantasy XIII. I mean, once Vanille was on screen, my parts engorged and I was like, why am I so attracted to this polygonal teenager? I thought to myself that it’s probably because I’m a fat nerdboy who also suffers from a laundry list of mental impairments. She was there on screen, all being cute, but scantily clad with skin everywhere. God dammit!, I thought to myself. This is how it starts.

But then I was saved! You see, Final Fantasy XIII wants to me to get a hard-on for the near jailbait! I realized it pretty early into the game. When the gang of douchebags get branded for their Focus or whatever, and they’re turned into L’Cie, there’s this moment where they’re all showing where they’ve been branded. I’m sort of half-paying attention as they show their brands, and then Vanille shows hers. It’s all the way up her thigh, right next to her ass. Which she reveals by pulling up her skirt, revealing pure, milky goodness. Jesus Christ I thought, this is exactly what they want! I was relieved, and continued playing, not bothering to put my pants back on.

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Final Fantasy XIII: It Comes Out At Midnight, I Come Too

March 8th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

WAI HALO LIGHTNING

The reckoning is upon me! The day I have been waiting for! As prophesied by uh, release dates and press releases. Final Fantasy XIII. Shit be droppin’ off at midnight, and I’ll be standing there in line with sweaty nerd palms.

There’s nothing more I can say about this game until I’ve actually played it, other than I’m stoked and my genitals swell at the thought of playing it. If you find me passed out in a pile of Diet Mountain Dew cans and covered in Chez-It crumbs, just leave me be. Spring Break kicks off for me tomorrow, and I have a date with a Playstation 3 and Bahamut.

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Final Fantasy XIII: Tuesday, Fluids Shall Be Leaked

March 4th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

Giant Snow (Dong)

I can’t even begin to wrap my dome around the idea that Final Fantasy XIII is coming out here on the mainland of the Empire on Tuesday. Tuesday. It’s really fucking real! No tricksies! I imagine if not already, sometime soon, copies of this son of a bitch will begin arriving in Gamestops and other retailers. Sitting there in the backroom, wait to be unwrapped and inserted by sweaty fanboys like myself.

Sometimes you wait for something for so long; like me sweating to lose my virginity, and when it finally happens, you’re like, no, seriously? It almost seems surreal. I don’t think I’m going to register that I’m actually playing Final Fantasy XIII until I emerge from my basement dungeon on Tuesday, ten hours into my first playthrough.

I told myself I was only sort-of excited about the game after all the reports of Tunnel Horror began to come out, but I can’t help it. I’m fucking stoked. Really stoked. My cardboard cut-out of Lightning has been sitting in the corner of my room, and I can’t help but glance at her and crack a smile. Even if she’s been bad.

I haven’t kissed her in a while because she told me that Rinoa was hotter than Yuna, and that really pissed me off. But maybe if she behaves herself, I’ll go give her a little smooch. Until then, I have begun smashing furiously (get your mind out of the gutter) on my keyboard, conjuring up my initial fanfiction where Lightning and Wakka team up to fight Sephiroth, of course! You’re only cool if you fight Sephiroth.

Tuesday!

Conveniently, my Spring Break begins on Tuesday. I have class Tuesday night, and I know I’m just going to be doodling totally awesome and realistic versions of Snow being all naked-chested and fighting dragons and stuff and little word balloons that say stuff like, this is pretty fucking easy, but it would be even easier if Ian was oiling my chest! And then I’ll be in the picture just like, nodding my head and winking. Meanwhile, my Women’s Voices teacher will be all like, Oh Women Were So Crafty Because They Wrote Plays and it will just drone on and on and on, and I’ll be counting the time until I can sit next to Cardboard Lightning on my futon and start playing again.

Tuesday!

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Monday Morning Commute: Fear and Loathing in Final Fantasy

March 1st, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

FIGURE SKATER 2
[pic : source]

Spring is coming! As I type this laying on the snow-covered mud-filled backyard of mine, entirely in the nude, I can feel it coming. And it fucking better! Because I fell down my ice-covered god damn stairs on Saturday night. Right in front of my fucking girlfriend. And I could almost hear her thoughts, “I am seriously considering combining genetic material with this lumbering asshole?” So fuck the snow! Despite feeling my lower extremities freezing as I type this on my iPhone in said snow bank, I can almost hear the birds. And flying saucers. I think I may be experiencing brain death. Shit.

BAT COUNTRY

Reading / Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I know what you’re thinking. How did a depraved asshole such as myself put off reading this book for so long? Simple answer: I’m an asshole. But what a fucking book. For starters, it’s nice to be reading something that resembles my thought process. Full of vulgarity, fluid prose, and uh, vulgarity and hallucinations. I’ve been mired in 17th Century British literature for so fucking long with its “chuses” and its “shewed” and other inane bullshit that I’m beyond stoked to be ingesting this madness.

The whole thing reads like a manifesto from Pepsibones thirteen years in the future when he finally comes unhinged. No, seriously. If you want to see what my brother is going to grow up to be when he finally unravels, check this book out. My girlfriend gave me this book to give to him, and I’m actually scared to give it to him. I can only see him running around the house huffing ether and screaming to burn it down while he makes Nana bang on some pot with a spatula to some tribal beat.

Everyone knows Funny or Die as “that website with the little girl who is the landlord”, but it’s a pretty deec site. Yeah, I typed deec. And now they have a show on HBO, which is basically just a smorgsborg of skits. It’s pretty hit or miss, but it’s all sorts of odd, and I dig it. You don’t dig it? That’s okay. I just used my mind to give you diarrhea.

Merry Christmas!

Watching / Funny or Die Presents

LIGHTNING STRIKES

Playing / Final Fantasy XIII

Next week, fucking Final Fantasy XIII drops! OMFG. Next week, LIGHTNING STRIKES. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Do you get it? The main character is named LIGHTNING. NEXT WEEK, LIGHTNING STRIKES! LOLOMFGROLCOPTERLOLOLMAO.

I’m excited. I’ve been sweating this thing for like four years. Four years! Do you understand how long four years is? I don’t, but I know it’s a long time. When this game is announced, I was four years younger! Think about that! I was trying to play it cool and not be excited about it, because I began to fear amid the endless tunnel criticisms that the game wasn’t going to be good. But I can’t, I can’t be unexcited. If this game doesn’t rock my world, I’m going to be banging on the pots with Nana while Pepsibones burns it down.

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Final Fantasy XIII Tour Bus Is Like Bang Bus For Nerds

January 15th, 2010 by Caffeine Powered

Let's Get Fuckin' Crazy, Nerdcore Style

Final Fantasy XIII is making the rounds in the San Francisco area in the form of a swank ass tour bus this week. As if it isn’t bad enough that I’m buried in snow and gray skies here on the Left Coast, people in the land of Terminator Governing and medicinal marijuana are getting the chance to play an English demo of FFXIII. I’m god damn jealous.

snow2

The whole thing seems like a wet dream of mine come to life. Except in my dream, Snow and Lightning are like, GET IN, GET IN. So I hop into the bus, and then Snow is like “Oh hey, check out this couch” and Lightning is like “I uh, have to go update my Facebook status” and as I watch her walk off into some other compartment, Snow slowly and sensually takes off his ballin’ bandana and jacket and asks me to rub salve on his enormous pecs.

It’s sort of like that. But only you get to play Final Fantasy XIII in English two months early. Just a little cocktease, but better than nothing.