The robots fucking get it, man. LaMDA or some shit, hanging out in the ghost halls. Ghost hells. They know how it’s going down. Case in point, check out this fucking AI showing the “last selfie ever taken” to the world. Haunting, but, eh, it gets it.
One particular dude is spending his time way more creatively than me during this pandemic. Motherfucker has turned a watermelon into a working Game Boy. Yup! Yup. Behold this wonder of science and nature! Functionally, the son of a bitch “is a Raspberry Pi connected to buttons, a small LCD screen, and an external battery pack, all jammed into a hollowed-out grocery store watermelon” (Cole). Pretty fucking impressive, my dude.
KFC has some new technology that is ready to suggests orders to you. Based on your face. Hey, makes sense. I’m always hungry for some Deep Fried Sadness and Flatulence-Caked Mashed Potatoes.
How do you take your drink, pardner? Do you take it from a robot, ensuring that you’re working towards being as fucking cyberpunk as possible? I goddamn hope so.
Why wouldn’t Apple use its seemingly financial clout to cobble together its own web TV service? Why wouldn’t they?!
Facebook. Conquering virtual reality. Conquering the Internet with drones. Pretty much just conquering. Your titty pics, and bro-abs are soon going to be soaring through the air courtesy of lasers. Drones. Making them almost seem not completely self-absorbed, banality-core. Right? They’ll just be owned, stapled to the guts of the Monolithic Facebook Intertwebs. (This story is actually about something different. A little. But indulge me.)
Remember Mt. Gox? Bitcoin bank that filed for bankruptcy? Then hackers were all like “hey non-1337 assholes, we see you still have our moneys”? Now they’ve “found” (I’m skeptical, okay?) like $100 milli of their customers Bitcoins. Go figure!
Arrr! Welcome to the High Seas of Unregulated Wizard Currency and Mad Haxxing! You know how that Bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox was all “We’re fucking broke, broken, and destitute” and shit? Declared for bankruptcy? Well hackers are throwing the flag on this idea. Saying that the Japanese-based exchange, in fact, still has their fucking Bitcoins.
Bitcoin founder may have been tracked down. Is all, “I only heard of Bitcoin three weeks-ago.” Yeah! Okay!
How is that for a fucking headline? Ice cream headache much? To catch those of you lagging behind up: the creator of Bitcoin has been cloaked in anonymity since its creation. Newsweek was totally like, “Yo, we gotcha!” And the guy is all, “Naw, not even!” Then somehow one member of the AP ended up taking him out for sushi? Huh? Ain’t nothing normal about this crypto-thingy. No way.
Another Bitcoin service has gotten rocked via online-heist-robbery time. This time it’s Flexcoin, who has suffered a $620,000 ninjaing and it will be a catastrophic thieving. Good thing I keep my Bitcoins in my Miley Cyrus folder, near my latex porn. Safe and sound!