Yo, ninja-heads! Why don’t you grab a slice of pizza and head over to the OL STORE? Don’t walk around flaunting your half-shells, cover up with one of our new t-shirts!

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Just because all of us geeks are shitting ourselves in fear of Michael Bay’s douchebag reboot of the Not Teenage Nor Mutant Ninja Turles doesn’t mean there ain’t anyone sweating it. Take for example the co-creator of the franchise. He’s like, totally in love with the enterprise.

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A Michael Bay movie is being pushed back because of script issues? This truly is the year of the Mayan apocalypse.

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Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the fucking man. Why, you ask? I ask you, why the fuck do you even have to ask! Have I said “ask” enough yet?

Let’s see. He’s a talking brain. A talking brain. He’s a talking brain with arms. And he’s a talking brain that controls a robot body. The robot body that wears sunglasses, despite not having to see, and violent red underwear. Who the fuck thought this shit up? It’s fucking brilliant. Just how much coke were people in the 1980’s on? Someone really sat there, and was like,

I have an idea! Let’s make a talking brain, with fucking arms! FUNNEL ME MORE DRUGS. And then, then, then…HE’LL USE A ROBOT BODY THAT HAS FUCKING SICK SUNGLASSES ON. MY NOSE BURNS I SEE GOD.

Well done, sir.