Someone call the fucking Thought Police, cause Kinect is staring at you, reporting you to Big Brother. Seriously, how fucking creepy is this?

Kotaku:

Speaking at an investor’s conference on Thursday, a Microsoft executive offered that Kinect not only knows how many are in the room when an ad’s shown, but what kind of team colors they might be wearing. Uh-oh.

How Orwellian is this shit? This sounds amazingly like the point in 1984 when everyone has to go through their morning exercise routines while the television prompter watched. Except now, they’ve merely tricked you into playing Dance Central Titty And Dong Shake Time. Yessir. It’s the same deal. They’re spying on you. But they wised up, and they’re not as obvious about it as they were in Orwell’s novel. They wised up, and drizzled their eerie spying in glitter and pom-poms!

Creepy shit! I mean, instead of being forced into this creepy Big Brother environment, we’re instead giving the keys to our souls willingly to giant corporations and marketing entities. But watch the fuck out next time you’re boning your hand in front of your Kinect! Kinect sees all. Kinect knows all. Kinect is selling your attributes to the highest bidder, so they can stream advertisements subliminally into your skull while you sleep at night. Laugh all you want, it’s fucking happening!

Back in the day, before Bungie had made Master Chief fanboy douchebags out of all of us, they were a bit strapped for cash. Looking for a sugar daddy to support them, former project lead Tuncer Deniz decided to hit up Daddy Stevey Jobs for some cash flow. Too busy trying to figure out ways to exploit all of us with over-priced, sexy, shiny objects (I’m a sucker for it), Jobs decided to demur and pass on the then fledgling studio.

For a bit.

Somewhere in his cranium, Jobs then decided that he would indeed like to very much purchase them. The only problem? Motherfuckin’ archnemesis Microsoft had swooped in, and bought them all up and shit. This did nothing less than send Steve Jobs into a Hulk-like rage.

Kotaku:

As soon as we announced we bought Bungie, Steve Jobs called,” former Microsoft VP of game publishing Ed Fries tells Develop.

“He was mad at [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer and phoned him up and was angry because we’d just bought the premier Mac game developer and made them an Xbox developer.”

He was so mad, in fact, that he needed to be called and talked back from the outskirts of cranky town.

Pretty fucking interesting, to say the least. What would have happened if Apple hadn’t been too late in snagging Bungie? Would all of us douchebag Master Chief boner-worshippers never have come aboard the Halo train? Or would all of the Xbots of the world simply been Mac dickheads? I shudder at the thought, since god knows there’s a lot of them already.

Steve Ballmer is lucky that Jobs didn’t take that motherfucker out. This is the same Steve Jobs that commands the Hand, and was stopped in an airport because he was trying to smuggle ninja stars onto his own private jet. You don’t fuck with shit like that! Jobs will cut you. Cut you deep, and wear your head on his cock like fucking Patrick Bateman. I’ve seen it.

Intriguing stuff.

Apparently the 360 dashboard is getting a redesign, soon? Tipped off by Logic Sunrise, Kotaku commented on it today. I have extremely undiscriminating eyes, and because of that, I struggled to figure out what exactly had changed. Thankfully the dudes at the K-Otaku spelled it out for me:

via kotaku:

The changes seen in the images include slightly smaller text for the menu options and presenting the sub menu as a series of side-by-side images rather than images that drop away from the screen.

Well, there you go! Are you satisfied? Hit the jump to get a bunch of new unthrilling pictures of the redesign.

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Boom! Hell yeah, fuck you Microsoft! That’s essentially what Square Enix president Yoichi Wada is saying. Dude is droppin’ verbal landmines at the feet of all those goofy ass douchebags dancing in the Microsoft Kinect promos:

via destructoid:

“I missed Microsoft’s conference. Having said that, I think that what they have focused on for Kinect is very interesting and I hope they will attract an even wider audience,” Wada states. “I would say it is no different from just the Wii.“

Oh shit! Volleys served! Bombs away! I want to give this dude a bro-hug and a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Chilled, of course. We can be tots buddies for life.

This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.

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If you’re like me, and you think that while Natal/Kinect is visually another sexy object, it is lame as fuck, the name sucks, and you generally abhor the direction of motion controls, then you’re going to love the Microsoft tagline. Or barf everywhere, laughing at the misdirection.

Tagline:

No barriers.
No boundaries.
No gadgets.
No gizmos.
No learning curves.

With Kinect,
you are the controller.

Really? Holy fucking shit. Fantastic. Reminds me of something out of Max Barry’s Syrup.

Hey dickheads! Now you can know the official name for the shitty, Minority Report-esque motion controls that Microsoft is rolling out! Project Natal? Naw man, that shit is fucking lame. Microsoft’s motion controls shall now be dubbed “Kinect!”

FUCKING RIGHTEOUS. I love make believe spellings and X-Treme names! From the company that brought you the XBOX, comes KINECT. So grab your family of fucking invalids, and begin karate chopping and kung-fuing and pretending you’re driving a a race car like a fucking asshole in peace! You’re ready to KINECT with other fat slobby people not resembling the eerily grinning couples and families that every fucking console company trots out when promoting their motion controls.

ETHNICALLY DIVERSE FAMILY FUN THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE DROOLING AT DANCING WITH THE STARS.

MICROSOFT KINECT!

FUCK YOU!

I’m playing through Arkham Asylum like any diehard Batman fanboy should be right now. It’s a pretty tight, but I’ll save my impressions for the review I’m working on over for Mishka Bloglin. What I wanted to comment on though, is how fucking jacked Commissioner Gordon looks in the game. No, seriously. The dude looks like a sixty year-old pile of muscles. Just stare at the dude. There isn’t a doorway on Earth that the guy could fit through. He looks like he’s training with Brock Lesnar and eating whole cows for dinner.

What the fuck is going on here?

It’s not confusing for any egghead who knows the engine the game is running on. Eidos is using the Unreal Engine 3. You may recognize it as the engine that brought the world the anatomical impossibility that is Marcus Fenix and the rest of the Gears of Wars cast. The engine is renown for building the enormous, Vin Diesel, HGH-popping body type; and then using it as the default shape of any male in the game.

I just didn’t think it would be used to craft Jim Gordon into the dude who not only runs the police force for Gotham, but probably also can fuck your mother while carrying her up a flight of stairs.

Bravo, Unreal Engine 3!