The Microsoft Kinect is the Juggernaut, bitch! Oh shit, old school internet shoutout! Seriously though. Microsoft has announced that they have sold 10 fucking million Kinects as well as 10 fucking million Kinect games. That’s a lot of Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

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Get your dick nice and hard! Adrenaline-pumping, adolescent chainsaw death raging fuckery! Gears of War 3 has a release date. This son of a bitch is dropping September 20, 2011. I can’t fucking wait. It’s been too long since I suited up as a nice meatheaded HGH-looking motherfucker and taken out some locuts with my giant raging bladed phallus.

Get some!

Throw a fucking rock! If you don’t hit your nana, a small child, an animal, or a building, you’ll probably hit a fucking Kinect hack. They’re like, totally blasé  at this point. Not this one though. Three dudes at the University of Amsterdam got together and hacked the Kinect to make a fucking Superman VR simulator. Hell yeah. That’s right. The dudes with fucking stunning names – Daniel Karavolos, Sicco van Sas, and Maarten van der Velden – just upped the game.

You throw on some fucking goggles, and control Superman with your body gestures. Tapping the VR goggles in according spots will trigger Heat Vision and Frost Breath. It’s dope as fuck.

Hit the jump to check it out in motion.

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Enlarge. | Via.

Brian Crecente is a lucky man living my dream. Working for Kotaku, he’s currently working through the early portions of Duke Nukem Forever. A kind lad is he, sharing his experiences through the internet article circulation pathways. Today he dropped this outstanding parcel of information regarding the Duke calling Master Chief and his band of Spartans a bunch of pussies.

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Well, all right. He wasn’t almost on Xbox Live, but Microsoft and Conan’s team were discussing the possibility.

Joystiq:

During the “Hollywood Creative Masters” session at CES last month, the executive producer of Conan O’Brien’s show, Jeff Ross, spoke on last April’s  short-lived rumor of talks to relaunch the show on a proposed Xbox Live channel (before the deal was made to bringConan to TBS), reports  Gamasutra contributor Chris Morris (who moderated the CES session). While Ross said it was “interesting to sit and look at it,” Microsoft’s proposal lacked a clear vision, and he recalled that “a lot of the conversations were, ‘Well, it’s a show, but it’s not a show and there are no breaks, but maybe there are breaks and it’s not 60 minutes — it’s this,’ and nobody really knew what it was.”

“So it was really going to be a leap of faith to jump in with these guys and figure something out which we didn’t know,” Ross said, later reiterating that “we had some eventual television offers and we basically shied away from the [Xbox thing].”

Imagine if this shit came to fruition? My asshole would have burst out of its confines, splattering the walls in confusion.

Finally the dream I’ve been waiting to become reality. I don’t want to just feel like a retard while I’m playing World of Warcraft. No. I want to look like one. Alright, you got me. More like one. Now I can with this Kinect hack. Who doesn’t want to waggle their arms, lean forward, lean back, and other things to control their WoW character? Probably everyone! We’re fat, and gelatinous. By and large. We like the sitting.

Hit the jump to see a dude play WoW with Kinect, which makes it look a lot like aerobics.

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Goddammit! Haven’t we learned anything. I was pretty sure that all this fucking around we’re doing with the Kinect is going to bring about the robot apocalypse. And now I’m getting more sure. The mad scientists over at the Hybrid Systems Lab at UC Berkeley have used the Kinect to construct an autonomous flying machine.

Kotaku:

Instead of being hooked up to an Xbox 360 to play games, Kinect is sending visual data to a Linux box onboard the mini-copter, letting the quadrotor fly autonomously, detect its own altitude and avoid obstacles. A back-up motion capture device provides other data–lateral and yaw–and provides a safety back up for altitude detection, should Kinect fail at some point.

It seems cool now, but when they’re used to fly over cities and drop nuclear caches, we’re going to be seriously displeased with these guys.

Hit the jump for the video of it flying. It’s amazing. And terrifying.

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So, despite my distaste for Kinect, I continue to chronicle the odd shit that the device is being co-opted to do. We’ve got lightsabers, and now we’ve got it being used to remotely control a robot. Oh good lord! Haven’t we all learned from Terminator? Next thing we know, this son of a bitch is going to go sentient, and then begin using the Kinect webcam to cyber robosex other mechanical non-organic beings.

It’s happening!

But no, seriously. Hit the jump to see Kinect as a means to remotely control a robot.

The apocalypse marches forward.

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This is the sort of dorky, bonerfying bullshit that makes me want a Kinect. The ability to act like an asshole, and total techno-wankery. I stipulated in the past that geeks hacking the Kinect are going to pull off some impractical, useless, but cool things. Case in point baby! Case. In. Point. As many have said, now we can all act like Lightsaber Kid in the glory of our own home. A real time tracking and rendering lightsaber on your computer monitor.

Dorky. Cool. Useless. Wankery. Well done.

Hit the jump for video.

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I can no longer worry about whether or not Kinect is going to succeed. I can no longer worry about whether or not yet another console is going to be indoctrinated into gimmicky, motion control bullshit. I can no longer worry about whether or not the Xbox 360 can stuff all those grandparents and happy family advertisements down the fucking Sarlacc Pit they belong in, incinerating their insipid banality into a forgotten realm of bullshit.

Who gives a shit if it’s gimmicky bullshit? Who gives a shit if it’s clearly spying on you for Big Brother Microsoft Cola? No ones.

I should have known better. Kinect isn’t just selling, it’s selling like fucking hot cakes.

Reuters:

Microsoft Corp said on Monday it has sold more than 1 million of its new hands-free Kinect gaming systems in the first 10 days since launch, putting it on track to beat its target of 5 million sales by the end of the year.

Son of a fucking bitch. Oh well. What does it really mean in the long run? A lot more units solid for the Micro-softs, right? They’ve totally out Wii’d the Wii. No longer must you sling phallic device! Now you dance your way into stupidity with Grandma! Watch as she dances her dying tribal dance! Watch as Papa’s hearing aid falls out in the middle of a lovely game of The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout! and the family cat dies from choking on it.

As long as it doesn’t affect the actual like, games being produced, I’m fine. There can be mountains of bullshit titles out there featuring Kinect-based controls, as long as I get my legitimate installments. But with news that there’s a Gears of War-related Kinect announcement soon, I fear! I fear the infection is spreading.

The bunkers, we must climb into them. The hatches, we must latch.

You fucking assholes.